


The Orphan

by x2XLyricsX2x



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: BoyxBoy, Friends to Lovers, Harry Styles - Freeform, Hiding sexuality, Liam Payne - Freeform, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, M/M, Niall Horan - Freeform, Orphanage, Scared to come out, Zayn Malik - Freeform, friends - Freeform, lilo, lilo paynlinson - Freeform, louam, one direction - Freeform, zerrie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2015-09-18
Packaged: 2018-04-21 07:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 79,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4820738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/x2XLyricsX2x/pseuds/x2XLyricsX2x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis' been at the orphanage since day one. Since then he's been in and out of many different homes, each one of them returning him because of the same reason; he's too different, not like other little boys. But one kid can only take so much rejection before he shuts down and loses all hope in himself that even when a family does take him home for good, treats him as their own child and loves him unconditionally for many years, he still has his doubts. When Louis returns from Uni to visit his family he finds himself struggling to keep the secret that he just knows will make him lose his family and he doesn't know if he could handle that. He knows it's what all those other families saw in him as a kid and he just knows that his family won't put up with it, why would they? </p><p>Will Louis be able to keep his secret? Does he really want to if it means living an extremely unhappy life, pretending to be something he's not and hurting someone he cares deeply for? Louis just doesn't know what to do, either way, he knows he is losing someone he cares about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Johanna hurried down the sidewalk, her bag strap digging into her neck, the crying newly born baby a heavy weight in her arms. She herself was crying, silent tears that ran down her cheeks and froze there. Her feet were sore, her body exhausted, her head ached and she really just wanted to lay down right there in the middle of the sidewalk. She didn't care that it was the middle of the night, she didn't care if it was snowing, she was tired and she wanted to sleep, but she couldn't. She had responsibilities to take care of. She was almost there, to the orphanage, once that was taken care of then she could sleep. She didn't really have a place she _could_ sleep, but she didn't care, she would find the closest dumpster and sleep there.

Johanna stumbled a bit when her foot hit a crack in the walk, she held the baby tighter so as not to drop him and continued on her way. She didn't want to do what she was about to do. She had already become attached to the little blue-eyed bundle of joy that was wrapped snugly in her arms. She had spent less than a day with him and she already loved him, but she wouldn't even allow herself to think about why she loved him, that's what got her crying in the first place. If she started thinking about that, she wouldn't go through with this, she wouldn't be able to leave him on the steps, but she had to. She was barely sixteen years old, she could barely take care of herself never mind a newborn baby. A perfect example is the fact that she planned to sleep in a dumpster on Christmas Eve.

She knew leaving her own son on the steps of an orphanage was pretty low but she didn't have an option. She had no way to feed him, nothing but this blanket to keep him warm and covered and even though he was tucked inside her jacket it couldn't be that warm for a newborn baby. She couldn't guarantee her own survival so she definitely couldn't guarantee his. She was not responsible enough to take care of a kid, the fact the she was even in this mess proved that. So she really had no option, it was what was best for him, whether he knew it or not and whether he would hate her for it when he got older, she had to do this.

Johanna came to the front of the orphanage. She looked up at it, the lights were off and the tall building looming above her was intimidating but either way she put her foot on the first step and climbed her way up. When she reached the top she kneeled down, pulling the crying boy from her jacket. The baby cried out when a few snowflakes landed on his face. She could tell he wanted to squirm and thrash his arms but he was too tightly wrapped to do so.

"Ssh, it's okay." She whispered. She glanced back at the building to make sure no lights had come on from the sudden noise. She looked down again at the boy, more tears spilling over her eyes as she pulled him into a quick hug, not wanting to let go. "I love you." She whispered placing a quick kiss to his forehead then gently setting him on the steps in plain sight so no one could miss him. With shaking legs she stood up, listening to the crying baby. It was as if he knew what was happening and he didn't want her to go. She knew that was silly to think, he had no clue what was going but it still had a sharp pain stinging her chest. With one last look at the boy she banged on the door, nice and loud so someone would hear and come running. As soon as her hand left the door she started having doubts. Maybe she _could_ take of him? She didn't know how, but she wanted to. She didn't want to leave him here with these strangers. How did she know these were good people? That they would take care of her baby? She didn't. But she couldn't really take care of him either.

A light coming on pulled her from her thoughts. She had to go. She glanced down at the baby as she made her way down the steps, stifling a sob with the back of hand. _This was what's best for him_ , she kept telling herself. She shuffled down the street, ducking behind a snow-covered bush and turned around to see the door opening. A tall, thin figure stepped out. Johanna could tell it was a girl by her slim figure and long loose hair. The figure immediately looked to ground where her baby was crying, the girl's hands came up to cover her mouth in shock. The girl dropped down to pick up the baby gently. She held him to her chest, rocking him back and forth while she looked out into the snow. She was probably looking for the guardian of the child but Johanna ducked down even further into the bushes, remaining out of sight. Eventually the girl backed inside, shutting the door behind her. Johanna waited five seconds before breaking out in another sob. That would be the last time she saw her baby boy.

Johanna held her face in her hands and allowed herself to cry for a good five minutes. She was just so alone, so scared and so helpless she didn't know what to do. She had no family to turn to, no friends to call, not that she had a phone to do so with anyway. The only person she really had had just been taken into an orphanage where she would never see him again. Even with the note she tucked away in the boy's blanket explaining her situation and who she was, she doubted the boy would ever want to see her again and she wouldn't blame him. In the note she asked that they save the letter and show it to him when he was old enough, whether they would or not, she had no clue but she had to try. He could decide then if he wanted anything to do with her after what she did to him.

Johanna finally picked herself up from the bush and turned around heading in the direction she came from. She saw a dumpster on the way here that she could hopefully use somehow. It was only a couple minutes before she saw the dumpster in the alley she had passed. She sniffled and wiped at her face, looking the overflowing dumpster over. It smelled horrible, like rotten piss but she was feeling to numb to care at the moment. Using what little strength she had she pushed the dumpster away from the brick wall a bit and flipped open the lid of it so it leaned against the wall providing a haphazard roof. Inside the dumpster was a bundle of cardboard that she pulled out and placed under her so-called shelter so she could sit about a foot off the ground and not have to sit in the snow. Finally Johanna sunk down, an exhausted and miserable sigh leaving her mouth.

Johanna was cold, wet, lonely, scared, miserable, and just all around _hopeless_. But her baby was safe, and that's what mattered at this point. Her carelessness brought that little boy into this world and she'd be damned if her carelessness was the cause of his leaving this world. He was safe now, and that's all that mattered.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I would love any kind of feedback!  
> (full story is already up on wattpad, if you want to read it there or don't want to wait for me to post the full thing on here. The only difference between that one and this one, is I've read through this one and edited it lol... there are probably still spelling mistakes but not an many lol. Same title same username)  
> :)

          Louis sat on the hard chair that sat outside Ms. Clemmings office, his little legs hanging off the edge, not even coming close to the floor. His arms were crossed over his chest, his face pointed at the ground in a scowl. He was listening to the words that were currently being shared between the adults inside the office because the walls of this place were very thin.

"He's too much to handle." The familiar voice of his current foster mother said. Louis huffed, _he was not_. Everyone who was interested in adopting a child first went through the phase of being a foster parent, mostly to test how well they could take care of a child so the child wouldn't be left to an unsuitable home, but also to see how well they meshed together, so far Louis wasn't very good at that part. "He's always getting into trouble at school and I can't afford to leave work every day to go and get him." _It wasn't every day_ , Louis thought to himself.

"What are you saying?" Ms. Clemmings voice asked sounding very tired.

"I'm saying, maybe this wasn't a good idea for us." His foster mother, or what he was assuming was going to be his _ex_ -foster mother, said with a sigh.

"You want to put him back in the orphanage?" Ms. Clemmings asked. Louis frowned, no matter how often this happened it still hurt every time. It still tore away a little piece of his heart and he wasn't sure how much more he could have taken away.

"Yes." Louis tuned out after that. He didn't need to pay attention to hear what happened next. They would sign some papers, and Louis would be sent off to his new room at the orphanage. He's done it before. In fact this is the sixth time he's been sent back into the care of the orphanage. He was only five. Louis didn't think he was 'such a handful' as others have put it; he was just energetic and got bored easily. Was there really something wrong with that?

Louis wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there but soon enough his ex-foster mother stepped out of the room with Ms. Clemmings right behind her. She smiled apologetically at Louis, kneeling down in front of him.

"It was fun, Louis." She said and Louis rolled his eyes, not caring if he was being rude. She _was_ returning him to the orphanage like he was some sort of defective merchandise. "I know someone will come for you soon." She said standing back up. Louis didn't reply, instead he hoped off the tall chair, gave a 'humph' and started marching down the hall.

"Louis. Come back here." Ms. Clemmings voice demanded. Louis froze in place and turned around slowly. Ms. Clemmings gave him an expectant look and waited patiently for him to shuffle back. Louis did, against his will, and stopped in front of his former foster mother.

"Thank you for providing such a lovely home for me," Louis spoke politely, a smile plastered on his face. "And thank you so much for dumping me on my arse." Louis said in the same polite voice then turned around again, noticing an angry Ms. Clemmings and the shock written on his ex-foster mother's face. Louis heard the apologies being exchanged between the adults but he didn't care. Instead he waddled his way down the hall, stopping in the playroom with the other orphans. There was a mix of expressions when he returned, some were happy to see him, others not so much, but they all had that same sympathetic look on their faces. He had been returned, again.

Louis ignored all the looks and sat his bum down beside a little girl about his age who he had befriended while he was here. Her name was Eleanor, she was sweet and kind and funny and really pretty, Louis didn't understand why no one wanted to adopt her. He assumed she would be adopted soon though, and he would be glad but he sure would miss her.

"Toy car?" She offered holding out her hand with a little toy car in it. Louis shook his head, he was never fond of cars or toys like that; he preferred to play with action figures and dolls. Eleanor dropped the toy and picked up a Barbie doll and tossed it at him. She hadn't said a word about his return and he was thankful, he didn't want to talk about it.

 

                             *                  *                  *

 

Two years later Louis sat in the exact same spot, this time his feet just skimmed along the floor, his face in a scowl again, his hands clenched the ends of the armrests in frustration as he listened in to the newest addition of the list of reasons why no one wanted him.

"He's just so different." The man said, he heard Ms. Clemmings sigh. "He's not like other boys."

"Okay." Ms. Clemmings cut him off, she sounded fed up which only made Louis feel worse. Ms. Clemmings was a nice person, the only thing even remotely close to a parent he had and he was causing her distress. But it wasn't his fault, he was only being himself. He couldn't help it if he didn't like toy cars and baseball. He couldn't help it if he didn't like playing with the other boys at school, all they talked about was baseball and other sports. He liked playing with the girls at school, they did more stuff that he was interested in; he couldn't help it.

"I'm sorry, but he's not normal." The man said, Louis didn't even bother to remember their names anymore, it was pointless when he was only going to be back here watching them walk away without him.

"Thank you, Mr. Murphy, that's quite enough, sign here." Ms. Clemmings said her words short and clipped. Not normal? Was that a bad thing? Louis frowned at the ground as he felt the familiar sting in his eyes as tears started to form. What was normal? Talking about baseball, wanting a fancy new toy car for your birthday, wanting to play in the mud and get dirty? Louis couldn't be that, that's not who he was. Should he just change himself?

"Thank you." Mr. Murphy said as he exited the office. Louis blinked back the tears immediately, not raising his head. "Well, this will be it, Louis. I hope you had fun and, I'm sure someone will come for you soon enough." Mr. Murphy said. Louis glared up at him, he was sick of hearing that. Why couldn't people just be honest and say they didn't want him, that no one wanted him? It would probably hurt less. Louis didn't reply, he was done talking to this man.

"Louis, would you like to say good-bye?" Ms. Clemmings asked. Louis looked to her in disbelief before turning back to the man standing in front of him. Louis shuffled off of the all too familiar chair, stood up straight and looked up at the man.

"Fuck you." He spat and made the familiar march down the hall. He heard the gasp Ms. Clemmings gave, he heard his name being called and he even heard Mr. Murphy saying something along the lines of 'I told you so' but he didn't stop. He couldn't stop or they would see the tears running down his cheeks. Louis stormed down the hall right past the playroom and down to the room that has come to be his permanently. He threw the door open, turning around and slamming it shut needing the full weight of his little body to do so. He climbed into bed, tears still falling from his eyes, and grabbed his pillow. So many tears have been wept into this pillow, so many screams muffled by it. It was the closest thing he had to a friend now that Eleanor had been adopted. It wiped away his tears and provided comfort when he needed it, it may be pathetic but Louis supposed it was fitting. He was pathetic, wasn't he? He was a pathetic excuse for a boy, that's basically what every parent has ever said about him. It must be true.

"Louis?" Ms. Clemmings voice came from the other side of the door along with a small knock.

"Go away!" Louis screamed wishing there was a lock on the door. There wasn't, so Ms. Clemmings walked right in, closing it behind her and approaching the bed cautiously. "Go away!" Louis repeated his voice shrill. He didn't want to talk to anyone, he didn't want anyone to see him like this. It was just another thing to add to list of reasons he wasn't a 'normal' boy. Boys don't cry. Girls cry.

"Louis, I know this is hard but you can't take it personally." Ms. Clemmings said quietly. Louis could barely understand her, he was after all only seven years old but he knew more than most children. He may only be seven but he's been through much more than some people three times his age.

"Go away." Louis repeated for a third time, his voice quieter. He sniffled into the pillow, clutching the fabric in his small hands.

"Okay. I'll leave, but I want you to know something." She said her voce soft and kind.

"What?" He asked quietly.

"There is nothing wrong with you. You're an amazing little boy, I want you to know that, okay?" She said but Louis didn't reply. He knew she was lying. She was only trying to make him stop crying so she could say she did her job. "Do you understand me?" She asked. Louis didn't like lying, he hated it and wished people would just tell him the truth but he knew if he told the truth right now she wouldn't leave.

"Yes." He said into the pillow. He heard her feet shuffling towards the door but they paused as she opened it.

"And you need to watch your language, young man. I don't care what the situation is, those words are not needed." She scolded then he heard the door being shut and the room was quiet, the only sounds were coming from his sniffling nose. Louis thought about what she said, not about there being nothing wrong with him, he knew that was a lie, but about his language. He knew he had quite the colorful vocabulary for a seven year old, he had picked it up in the many households he's been in. He knew they were bad words but they made him feel better when he said them, like for the millisecond it takes to say them it stabs just as much hurt as he feels into the receiver of them, if only for a very brief moment.

Louis rolled over, reaching under his bed to pull out a scrap piece of paper he had tucked into the bed frame. He grabbed a crayon from the small bedside table beside his bed and opened the paper. He looked it over briefly before adding one more tick beside the rest of them. He counted them, fourteen, fourteen little ticks written on a scrap piece of paper.

To a random person it wouldn't look like anything, it would just look like someone got bored or they were testing out different coloured crayons, but to Louis it was a lot more than boredom. It was the number of homes he's been to and kicked out of. It was the amount of times his heart has been torn to shreds, each time taking a shred and leaving it behind at the previous home. Louis wasn't sure how many more shreds of his heart he could lose before he just didn't care anymore. He wondered how long it would take before he would stop crying over people who didn't want him. He wondered how long it would be before he just decided to give up, not just on the orphanage but on life in general. Louis was faintly aware of the fact that a seven year old shouldn't be having those thoughts.


	3. Chapter 2

          Louis sat in the corner of the playroom, not really playing but watching other kids play. The other kids who were now several years younger than him. The average age of a child at the orphanage was six to nine years old, once you hit ten people tended to stop looking at you. Everyone wanted a younger child, someone they can raise from as close to scratch as they could. Being adopted after age ten or older was a rarity and Louis was now thirteen. He hadn't been to a new home in two years, and before that it had been a year. This was just fine to Louis because he always ended up back here anyway, might as well save himself the trouble.

Louis didn't enjoy playing like he used to, he didn't see much of a point to it anymore. It seemed like a waste of time, he didn't have anyone to play with anyway since none of the younger kids wanted to play with the older reject kid that nobody wanted. No, he was sitting all by his lonesome, waiting for the time to pass so he could have something for dinner and go to bed. Louis' home count had gone up to thirty-three, thirty-three different families that had tossed him to the side like the piece of trash he was. After number seventeen he stopped caring, he had basically given up and didn't even try to please his at the moment family. It didn't matter what he did anyway, eventually they all said the same thing, he was either too much of a handful or too different and no one wanted that. He found that his little heart just couldn't take any more heartache, if he allowed himself to continue caring he wouldn't have a heart left, at least not a functioning one.

So he switched it off, it wasn't as difficult as he thought it would be. He supposed there wasn't much left to switch off in the first place, so he basically just said fuck it and became this hollow shell of a kid. He barely spoke anymore, he didn't play with anyone even when a kid offered to play with him. When he ate, he barely ate anything and went to bed right afterward. In school he didn't pay attention so he was really behind in everything. He didn't do anything, he was just existing, passing the time until he could get out of this place. That probably wouldn't be for another five years though, when he turned eighteen.

Louis was pulled from his head when a stranger walked into the room. It was a lady with dark long hair, she had a kind face and a kinder smile. Beside her was a little boy, a couple years younger than Louis he guessed with dark curly hair and bright green eyes that shone in wonder as he glanced around the room of toys and children. Louis was about to look away because he knew why they were here, they were here to adopt and there was no way they would want him, but he didn't get a chance to look away before the curly haired lad locked eyes with him. The boy’s face brightened with excitement before he bee lined over to where Louis sat in his corner. Louis wasn't sure what to do, he had never had that reaction before.

"Hi!" The lad said his voice loud and excited.

"Hi." Louis replied quietly because this boy seemed to be too excited to risk ruining that by not answering.

"I'm Harry, what's your name?" He asked politely. Louis took a second, glancing behind him to the woman he came in with, his mum most likely, who was watching them closely.

"Louis." He replied finally.

"What are you doing over here by yourself, Louis?" The boy asked, his voice curious. Louis shrugged, not sure if he wanted to tell this boy the truth or not. He looked so happy and cheery that Louis just couldn't darken his mood with his pathetic life, so he lied. He was getting good at that.

"Just tired."

"Then you should take a nap!" Harry suggested but Louis shook his head.

“I’m not allowed." They weren't allowed to take naps right now because this was the time people came to look at the children. Louis thought he should be able to because no one was going to adopt him anyway but they wouldn't have any of it.

"Oh, do you like football?" Harry asked changing the subject. Louis shrugged, of all the sports football wasn't so horrible, he actually did enjoy playing it when he actually liked playing with the other kids. It was the only sport he actually kind of liked.

"It’s alright." Louis replied, he didn't know why he was even bothering talking to Harry. Even if Harry wanted to take him home it wasn't up to him, it was up to his mum who would probably prefer one of the younger children.

"Do you like baseball?" Harry asked, Louis shook his head. "Oh, that's okay, it's not that great anyway. Do you like Pokémon?" Harry was firing off question after question, Louis giving him honest answers and no matter what Louis answered Harry never minded.

"Hello there," Harry's mum said from behind Harry. Louis gave her a small smile as Harry gasped, his face excited as he turned around to his mum.

"Mum, I like him!" Harry said excitedly. He liked Louis? Why? Louis was nothing special, there were so many other kids that were so much better than Louis. "Can we take him home?" Louis' heart swelled at his words, he couldn't help it. There was something about this kid, he liked him too.

"Harry, love, he's not a puppy. And you haven't talked to any of the other kids." She said, crushing Louis' glimmer of hope. Of course, she didn't want him.

"I don't want to, I want a big brother!" Harry argued. "Please?" Harry whined, dragging out the word and tugging at her arm. Harry's mum chuckled slightly, her eyes glancing over at Louis. She looked at him differently than Harry, she had a sad look in her eyes, as if she felt sorry for Louis. But Louis didn't want her sorry, not if she didn't want him.

"Well, I think we need to get to know each other first." She said, sticking her hand out to Louis. "My name is Anne. What's yours?" Louis hesitated for a moment, trying to figure this out. Did this mean she was actually considering taking Louis home? He doubted it, she was probably only humoring her son. Louis took her hand anyway, not really knowing why.

"Louis."

"I already know everything about him, mum!" Harry exclaimed. "He kind of likes football, doesn't like baseball, loves Pokémon, he likes to read..." Harry went on to repeat everything he just learned about Louis, his mother listening intently, regarding him with a fond smile. She took it upon herself to take a seat on the floor with them, Harry falling into her lap as he continued to list off facts about Louis. There was a little pang of jealousy that rung through Louis, he couldn't help it. It usually happened when another kid with a parent talked to him. It was just, they didn't know how lucky they were to have someone who actually cared about you, someone who loved you, someone who looked at Harry the way Anne did with complete fondness and pride. Louis wanted that.

"Well, Louis sure does sound like an interesting little boy." Anne commented when Harry finally finished his list. Harry nodded eagerly, his curls bouncing around.

"Yeah! Please mum? Can we keep him?" Harry asked.

"Harry," Anne scolded. "Louis is not a puppy, he a human being." Harry mumbled an apology, looking to Louis as he did so. "But, if you ask Louis, and he would like to come with us, I would love to bring him home with us." He said. Harry's face brightened immediately, a small gasp leaving his mouth as he bounced in his mother’s lap.

"Louis! Did you hear that?" Harry said excitedly. "Do you want to?" He asked. "Do you want to be my big brother?" Louis' heart swelled again, this time to the point where it almost hurt, but in a good way. Did they really want to take him home? _Him_? Of all the kids here, they wanted him? Louis couldn't help the small smile that spread across his lips, the first true smile he's shown in a long time, he thinks. Louis nodded slightly, looking from the absolutely gleeful face of Harry to the fond expression of Anne.

"Yes." Louis whispered. Harry gasped again, turning in his mum's lap.

"Mum! Mum! Did you hear that? He said yes!" He said happily. Anne chuckled and nodded her head.

"Yeah, I heard." She smiled at her son then at Louis. "Okay, you boys stay here, I'm going to go talk to the nice lady and see what we do now." Anne explained, lifting Harry from her lap. She stood up, dusting herself off and headed out of the playroom.

"Louis! We're going to be brothers for life!" Harry said excitedly. Louis smiled at him, he was happy for the both of them but he couldn't help this nagging feeling he had that told him that statement wasn't true. Sure, Harry may always like him but soon enough Anne will come to the conclusion that Louis was too different or too much to handle and then he would be right back here where he started, again. Louis tried to keep the smile on his face but it was growing more and more difficult with each passing thought, every one of them reminding him not to care. If he cared he would only get hurt.

There was a small sliver of hope that he had though, one little ounce that he still thought was too dangerous to hold onto. Anne had asked him if he wanted to go with them, she had _asked_. Most people said, I want him, signed the papers and took him with them. He never had a say in the matter and that gave him that little sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe this family would be different.

 

                                       *                  *                  *

 

"Louis, they're here." Ms. Clemmings said from Louis' doorway. Louis sat on his bed, his small bag stuffed with his few articles of clothing sitting beside him. He raised his head when Ms. Clemmings spoke, nervous suddenly. He nodded anyway and stood from his bed, grabbing the strap of his bag. He shuffled passed Ms. Clemmings and down the hall where he saw Anne, Harry and a girl standing waiting for him. When Harry saw Louis his face brightened and he took off at a run towards him. It startled Louis, making him stop in his tracks.

"Louis!" Harry shouted as he barreled into Louis, throwing his arms around the older boy. "I missed you." Harry said squeezing Louis tight. Louis was unsure of what to do, he hasn't received a hug in... Ever. He's never been given a hug. He quite liked them, he decided. Louis dropped his bag and awkwardly placed one arm on the younger boy's back. He saw Anne smiling at the two of them standing just a few feet away so he tried his best to return it. Louis' eyes drifted to the girl standing beside Anne, she looked around the same age as Louis, maybe a little older. She had the same green eyes as Harry and the same long dark hair as Anne, you could easily tell all three of them were related.

"Louis, this Gemma. She couldn't come with us the other day but we told her all about you, she couldn't wait to meet you." Anne explained. Gemma smiled politely at Louis with a small shy wave. Louis smiled back, she reminded him of Eleanor. Not her looks, not really but the blatant kindness on her face. You could tell she was a nice girl from one look.

"Hi." She said quietly.

"Hi." Louis smiled.

"Okay, guys, let's go." Anne said. Harry let go of Louis, grabbing onto his mother's hand. Anne held out her other hand to Louis but he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. Obviously he was supposed to take it like Harry but he wasn't sure if he was ready for that. Anne seemed to understand though and instead placed her hand on his back, pushing slightly until he started walking, and picking up his bag again.

"Goodbye Louis." Ms. Clemmings called after them. Louis turned slightly, raising his hand in a small wave but he couldn't help but think this wasn't goodbye forever. She smiled then turned away, going into her office and leaving Louis to be taken away by these people.

Louis walked out into the parking lot with Anne, Harry and Gemma. There weren't too many cars parked there, a couple old beat up Junkers that belonged to the orphanage but near the end was a big black SUV, it was clean and shining in the sunlight, it looked new. It looked _expensive_. Louis wondered who it belonged to and why they were at the orphanage until Anne, Harry and Gemma started walking over to it. Louis stopped walking, taking in the fancy looking vehicle. How could they afford this?

"Are you coming, Louis?" Anne asked, turning to look at him. Louis nodded and started moving his feet again, walking up to the SUV and waiting for Anne to unlock it. When she did Louis and Harry both climbed into the back seat, Harry expertly doing so as if he's done it a thousand times even though it should have been awkward for him to achieve given his height. Louis on the other hand threw his bag inside and climbed in, slipping and tumbling onto the seat. Harry giggled a little causing Louis to blush and duck his head. Gemma climbed into the passenger seat with the same practice as Harry. The summer sun made the inside of the SUV really hot but he saw Anne turn on the air conditioning so he knew it would cool down in a little bit.

"You guys hungry? We could go out for diner to celebrate Louis joining our family." Anne asked. _Celebrate_. _Joining our family_. Most families he's been sent away with barley recognized the fact that he was supposed to be a part of their family never mind celebrated that fact. It baffled Louis for a minute but then he realized, he literally just left the orphanage; they didn't really know him yet. When they got to know him they wouldn't be so happy about it anymore.

"Yeah! Where do you want to go Louis?" Harry asked bouncing in his seat. Louis shrugged, he didn't know many restaurant names; he's never been to one. "Can we go to McDonald's? Please, mum?" Harry suggested when Louis offered no help. McDonald's he's heard of.

"Is that alright with you, Louis?" Anne asked looking at him in the rear view mirror. Louis nodded, he was curious about why this McDonald's place was so popular. With that Anne started up the vehicle, instructing for everyone to fasten their safety belts and then pulled out of the parking lot.

Louis watched as objects passed by the windows as Anne drove. Louis didn't get the chance to go in vehicles very often, when he did they were short and usually in small cars that were so close to the ground he could only see the other cars driving beside them. In the SUV though, they were well off the ground, high up enough so he could see over top of the other cars and see the buildings and trees that they passed. Louis kind of wanted to roll down the window and stick his head out but he wasn't sure if he was allowed to do that and he didn't want to upset Anne, she was nice. So Louis stayed seated, listening to the three others in the vehicle talk about what they were going to order. Louis didn't know what he would get or if he was even allowed to get anything. He supposed it could be just them allowed to order something.

"Louis, what would you like to eat?" Anne asked, glancing in the rear-view mirror to look at him. Louis looked around at the expectant faces in the car.

"Um, I don't know. I don't know what they have." Louis mumbled. He saw Harry's jaw drop, Gemma look to her mother in shock and Anne look at him in sympathy.

"You've never been to McDonald's?" Harry exclaimed. Louis shook his head, embarrassed.

"That's okay, Louis, They mostly just have different types of burgers." Anne explained as she pulled into a parking lot. Louis looked out the window to see a big yellow 'M' and a building that he could see had a play structure inside. Louis looked at in wonder, a restaurant with a play structure? He already loved this place.

The four of them climbed out of the SUV and walked into the building. There were families sitting at tables, laughing and talking amongst themselves. There was a small line up at the counter and kids running around everywhere. Anne pulled Louis over to the menu so he could pick what he wanted to order. There were so many options but Anne had said if he got a happy meal they gave you a toy and, honestly, who would pass that up?

"Mum! Can we go on the play structure?" Harry asked, pulling on his mother's shirt. Gemma nodded along, waiting for an answer. Anne chuckled and nodded and the two of them ran off towards the structure leaving Louis with Anne. Louis frowned, did they not want to play with him? It didn't surprise him, other kids usually didn't.

"Are you not going to go with them?" Anne asked, looking down at Louis. Louis shook his head.

"I don't think they want to play with me." He mumbled. Anne was about to say something when someone called his name.

"Louis! Come on!" Harry yelled running back to them and grabbing Louis by the arm. Louis was too shocked to do anything but allow Harry to pull him along. Gemma was waiting for them by the structure, her shoes already taken off and placed in the cubby holes. Once Harry and Louis took their shoes off Gemma declared they were going to play tag and that Harry was it. Gemma grabbed Louis' arm and pulled him into the structure. They climbed up a tower then crawled through a tube into an open area with a net surrounding them.

"Okay, you go that way," Gemma said pointing to another tube. "I'll go through here." She said and dashed off towards another tower, leaving Louis to stand there slightly baffled. After a few seconds Louis turned on his heal and ran towards the tube Gemma told him to go through. The tube led to a slide and yet another tube, leaving Louis unsure of where to go. He heard Harry call out to him so he decided quickly and threw himself down the slide putting him back at the bottom of the structure. He looked up and saw Harry just crawling into a tube and smiled, he had successfully avoided being caught. There was a loud squeal and a giggle then Harry called out again.

"Gemma's it!" He said and Louis found himself giggling as he dashed towards the tower. He climbed up, his heart jumping in his chest when he saw Gemma there waiting for him.

"Got you!" She giggled as she reached out and tapped him on the shoulder. "Louis' it!" Louis laughed and watched as she ran away, darting through a tube and disappearing. They played like that for a few minutes, chasing each other through the structure and calling out who was it once they caught someone. At first Louis was a little shy to call out who was it, but as the game went on he became more comfortable yelling out their names. He was having fun, something he hasn't had in a long time. He was laughing and running, his heart pumping fast in his chest. He was smiling from ear to ear and was almost disappointed when Anne called to them telling them that their food was ready, but then his stomach grumbled and he was actually happy it was time to eat.

Gemma and Harry ran off, grabbing their shoes and slipping them on and running towards their mother. Louis took his time, letting himself catch his breath because he honestly can't remember the last time he's run around that much. Once he had his shoes back on he made his way over to the table the three of them were sat at. He wasn't entirely sure if it was okay to sit with them. He knew he had come here with them and everything but it still felt weird just walking up and sitting down.

"Come on, Louis." Harry said and pulled out the chair beside him for Louis to sit in. Louis smiled and took his seat across from Gemma and waited patiently for Anne to hand out the food.

"How old are you?" Gemma asked, biting into a fry. Louis was surprised by the question, he had thought Anne and Harry would have known all that already and shared it with her.

"Thirteen." Louis answered quietly.

"Ha! I'm older than you!" She teased. "I'm fourteen." Louis chuckled and bit into a fry. "What's your favourite colour?" She asked, it was like meeting Harry again, she fired off question after question but at least most of them were questions Harry hadn't thought to ask.

"Red." Louis answered.

"Do you like music?" She asked and Louis didn't have an answer for her. He never really had the chance to listen to music. The orphanage couldn't afford radios and such and he was never really at any homes for too long to get the chance to listen to theirs.

"Um, I don't know. Never really listened to it." Louis answered. Her jaw dropped at this along with Harry's and Anne had that sympathetic look on her face again. Louis felt a bit uncomfortable with everyone looking at him like that, he needed for them to move on. "Will you show me some?" He asked.

"Yes!" Gemma answered excitedly. "There's this boy band that I just love-"

"Gemma, Louis doesn't want to listen to your stupid boy band, boy bands are for girls." Harry interrupted. Louis frowned at this. He always hated when someone said this was for girls and that was for boys. He thought anyone should be able to like whatever they wanted.

"If I've never heard them, how would I know if I like them or not?" Louis asked turning to Harry. Harry seemed to think about this for a second, his younger mind not being able to come up with a good comeback.

"Ha! See? He does want to know about them." Gemma said.

"Well, I will give them a shot, but I'll have to wait to listen to them." Louis reasoned, he didn't want to pick sides here. Anne chuckled at Louis' diplomatic reasoning and watched as the three children interacted. Gemma and Harry continued to ask Louis many questions, even throwing in their own answers so Louis would know something about them. Louis finished his meal, the hamburger tasting really yummy and the fries even better. The toy he got with his meal was a little dinosaur, it's arms moved up and down but other than that it really wasn't that exciting. It wasn't long after he finished that they were leaving the restaurant and heading to Louis' new home, well... He supposed temporary home.

 

                                       *                  *                  *

 

When Anne pulled into the driveway of a rather large looking house Louis' mouth dropped open. They lived _here_? Louis couldn't believe it, it must have been as big as the orphanage and the orphanage was built to house fifty kids and enough staff to keep it running. The house was white and about three stories tall. There was a balcony on the second floor on the right and a big glass window on the left. Over the door was an archway and on the ground in front of the house was a garden of flowers. It looked beautiful.

"Do you like it?" Gemma asked, looking at Louis' amazed face. Louis nodded, turning his head to look at her, a smile forming over his lips. Gemma smiled back and hoped out of the SUV followed by Harry then himself. Anne led everyone inside and this time Louis' jaw nearly hit the floor. If he thought the outside was amazing he didn't have a word for the inside. The door opened up into a big room with a staircase that led upstairs. On the left was another room that looked like a dining room. To the right was a room with a sofa and television and at the back behind the staircase was a sliding door that was currently closed.

"Would you like to see your room?" Anne asked from behind him. Louis turned to her in surprise.

"My room? My own room?" Whenever Louis was out of the orphanage he had to share his room with the other kids of the house or even just sleep on the couch while they cleared out a room for him but he never made it that far. Anne smiled down at him and nodded. She led him up the staircase and down the hall. She led him inside a room with a huge bed, a nice desk with a computer on it, Louis' never used a computer before outside of school, it had a closet for him, and his own bathroom. He couldn't believe it.

"Will this do?" Anne asked, looking down at him. _Will this do?_ Louis nearly laughed.

"Yeah. Yeah, this will do." Louis confirmed, setting his bag down by the closet. Anne regarded the tattered looking bag and frowned.

"Tomorrow, Harry and Gemma have school, you'll be starting Monday but tomorrow I think we'll need to take you shopping, is that okay?" Anne asked. Louis looked to her, completely confused.

"Shopping for what?"

"Clothes, silly. You'll need more than that." Anne replied pointing at this bag. "And school supplies and maybe a few extra things." Anne shrugged.

"Oh, you don't have to do that." Louis said, because honestly he wasn't expecting to stay here that long. He knew within a few days, probably before he even started school, they wouldn't want him here anymore.

"Don't be silly. We'll go tomorrow before Robin gets back." Anne said. This sparked Louis' interest, enough to forget about the clothes.

"Who's Robin?"

"Oh, he's my husband." Anne explained. Again, this surprised Louis. Usually when adopting a kid, both parents came to look at them. "He had to go away on a last minute business trip but he didn't want to put this off any further. So he said for me to still go and look and if we found a child we should bring them home. I'm sure he'll just adore you." Anne assured him but Louis wasn't so convinced. It was usually the father that started to hate him first.

"Louis! Come look at my room!" They heard Harry call from down the hall. Anne smiled at him, stepping out of the way so Louis could slip past her and down the hall to look at Harry's room.

That night Louis climbed into his bed, the mattress nothing like the one at the orphanage, it was thick and soft and warm where as the one at the orphanage was hard and cold and you could feel the springs poking you in the back. The pillows smelled clean and the blanket was soft and cozy. He easily fell asleep, and this time there wasn't any tears from no one wanting him. There wasn't any trace of fear of the other people living in the new home he'd been sent to. There was no doubt in himself, there wasn't any of that. There was only a small hopeful smile on his face as he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! And leave Kudos if you think it's worth it please! :)


	4. Chapter 3

As promised Anne woke Louis up the next morning and told him to get dressed to go shopping. Louis was tempted to argue that she shouldn't waste the money on him but figured it was futile so instead he crawled out of bed and sleepily shuffled his way into the bathroom, quickly doing his business and washing up then meeting Anne downstairs by the door. Louis had had time last night before bed to look around, Harry had taken him on a tour of the house, showing him where the kitchen was and all six bathrooms were. He showed him the basement which had a recreational room in it that had a pool table and also had another room with a couch and a television along with the laundry and one of the six bathrooms. Louis had a pretty good memory so he pretty much remembered where everything was.

Anne smiled at him as he put on his shoes, waiting patiently. Louis was a little hungry since he just woke up and hadn't eaten yet but he didn't want to be a bother and ask for some breakfast. He supposed he could wait till Anne offered or maybe even till they got back. Louis had no idea what time it was, he did however know Harry and Gemma had left for school already because they were nowhere to be seen.

"We'll get something to eat at the mall, okay? There isn't much here to eat right now, I haven't had time to go grocery shopping." Anne explained. Eating out two meals in a row? That was fine by Louis.

At the mall they grabbed a quick breakfast sandwich each from a restaurant Louis didn't catch the name of. They then proceeded to multiple stores, each one Anne would pick something out that she though would look 'just adorable' on Louis. Some of them weren't exactly Louis' style but he wasn't one to argue when someone was being so nice. By the end of it Louis had more clothes than he could possibly hope to wear and Anne had told him they weren't done yet. Next up was shoes. Anne insisted Louis get two different types of shoes and a pair of sandals. Louis thought they were unnecessary, he could after all only wear one at a time but again he didn't argue it. After that was school supplies where he got a new backpack, a bunch of pencils, new markers and pencil crayons, a new zip-up binder and a lot of other stuff that Louis didn't think he'd need but again, Anne insisted.

Louis liked Anne, she was nice and kind and always made sure Louis wasn't uncomfortable. She offered to buy him all this stuff even though she has no clue if Louis was staying for good or not. Louis was certain he wasn't and he was also certain he would have to leave all of his new stuff behind. Harry could use them when he grew a bit more.

"Okay, I think that's it unless there is something you want?" Anne asked looking down to Louis. Louis shook his head, there was no way he was asking for _more_ stuff. "Okay, then I guess we have time to go to the grocery store. Is that okay with you?" Anne asked. Louis nodded, he was still a little shy around Anne. With Harry and Gemma it was different because they were his age but with Anne he felt a little intimidated. He knew she was nice but there was still that authority figure part about her that made him shy.

 

                                       *                  *                  *

 

When they got back to the house, Anne helped Louis with his bags and brought them up to his room. Louis then helped Anne with the groceries and brought them into the kitchen for her even though she insisted that she could handle it. Louis wanted to thank her in some way for buying him those clothes, even if he wasn't going to be able to keep them. Anne then told him to go remove the price tags from his clothes and put them away in the closet. So that's just what Louis did, he didn't want to upset Anne in anyway.

Louis had to use the desk chair for a boost to hang up all his new clothes, the closet was pretty tall and he was fairly short for a thirteen year old. It didn't take him long to put everything away, he even set up all his new school stuff. He put everything in his binder and placed that in his new backpack along with his pencil case with all his new writing utensils. He placed some extra pencils at the desk in his room for homework and placed some extra paper in the drawers. Louis' never had the chance to set up a room before that was entirely his and with stuff that was his, however briefly they were his for. He placed his new shoes, the ones he didn't plan on wearing for a while at the back of the closet then closed it up. He wasn't sure what else he could do so he just climbed onto the bed and waited for Anne to come and tell him what he could do.

Louis was sitting there for quite some time before he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and more than one pair. He thought for a fleeting moment that Harry and Gemma had returned from school he then he realized the footsteps were much too heavy to be either of them. Louis forced himself to stay seated, he did not need to snoop around and get in trouble. But Louis didn't need to snoop to find out who it was coming up the stairs because soon enough Anne was standing in the doorway with a man that had his arm wrapped around her waist. The man had nearly grey hair though Louis could tell it had been brown once, it was cut short and neat and accompanied with a mustache to match. The man wore a business suit that fit his rather plump body pretty snugly, his tie was undone though, hanging around his neck loosely as if he had loosened it in a hurry to breathe better.

"So you're the famous Louis I've been hearing so much about." The man smiled at Louis, it was a kind, trusting smile that had Louis smiling as well. "I'm Robin, it's nice to finally meet you." Robin introduced. "Can I come in?" He asked when Louis said nothing. Louis looked around, why was he asking Louis?

"It's your house." Louis said with a small smile.

"Well, it's your house too, and more importantly, it's your room." Robin said stepping into the room with Anne behind him. Robin took a seat at the computer chair, Anne stood behind him with her hand on his shoulder. Louis smiled at Robin's words. _Your house. Your room._ Maybe this would last? Louis didn't want to get his hopes up though. "So I hear you've been shopping, did you get anything cool?" Robin asked. Louis nodded.

"Anne bought me a bunch of clothes and school supplies and shoes!" Louis said excitedly.

"Wow, and you put it all away already, you're fast." Robin commented, Louis smiled at him and was about to comment when he heard a door slam shut.

"Mum?!" He heard harry call from down the stairs and soon heard two sets up footsteps climbing the stairs. Anne called out to them, saying they were in Louis' room. _Louis' room_. "Robin!" Harry cried when he saw the man sitting in the chair. Harry ran towards him, wrapping his tiny arms around him and hugging him tightly.

"Robin, you're back!" Gemma shouted as well, running over to hug her father. Louis wondered why they were calling their father Robin but thought it might be rude to ask.

"Hey, guys. How was school?" Robin asked, doing his best to hug them both at the same time.

"It was boring!" Harry declared causing Anne and Robin to chuckle.

"It was alright." Gemma shrugged.

"Hey, Louis, do you want to play with me?" Harry asked shuffling over to the bed Louis was sat on.

"No! I want to show him the boy band I was telling him about!" Gemma whined. "You stole him last night so I get him today." Harry and Gemma began to fight over Louis and who got to spend time with him, it was a bit overwhelmingly. Louis looked to Anne and Robin for help.

"Okay, guys he's not a toy, Harry why don't you play with Louis after diner and Gemma can show Louis her boy band before diner?" Anne compromised. Louis nodded along, he didn't want people fighting over him.

"Fine." Harry grumbled.

"Yay!" Gemma squeaked, grabbing Louis by the arm and pulling him off the bed, literally. His feet almost didn't make it under him before he was being hauled off to Gemma's room.

As it turns out, Louis doesn't like boy bands. He supposes their music is alright but it just isn't his thing, it's too dance-y. And the videos Gemma showed him were weird as hell, a bunch of guys dancing around and spending way too much time starring into the camera was weird. Gemma liked it though, she couldn't tear her eyes away long enough to see Louis' distaste and he supposed if it made her happy he would humor her for a little while longer.

After dinner, which Anne actually cooked and they all sat down together to eat and shared stories from their day, Harry had dragged Louis into his room to play some video games. Louis had never played before but picked it up pretty quickly and found himself enjoying it. It was then that he decided he could ask Harry about Robin. He felt a weird sort of connection with Harry, he felt he could ask him anything.

"Harry, why do you call your dad Robin?" Louis asked after Louis had just won a round.

"He's not my dad, he's my step-dad," Harry shrugged. "Just feels weird calling him dad." Harry finished. Louis didn't understand, if he had someone as nice as Robin to call a father, he would. However, Louis nodded along anyway and dropped the subject. That night, Louis went to sleep with another smile on his face. He could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I would love to hear any kind of feedback :) and please leave kudos if you think it's worth it!


	5. Chapter 4

Louis made it to the first day of school, to his utter surprise. This family hadn't returned him yet but he still had his doubts. It was only the fourth day and they hadn't sent him to school yet. School and Louis didn't mix well, he got bored easily and tended to entertain himself much to the teacher's dismay. Surely Anne would be called down to the school in no time and that would be then end of this. Louis hoped he could pay attention and not get bored though, he liked this family. They treated him nicely but Louis figures that's only because they don't know the real Louis yet.

Louis was nervous when Anne dropped them off at school, he always got nervous when he started a new school because everyone would look at you, everyone wanted to know your story, who you are, where you’re from, why you moved, but Louis didn't like his story. He hated telling people he was an orphan, they either gave him that sympathetic look that he hated or they avoided him like some kind of disease. Either way, he never made many friends.

"Come on, Louis I'll show you to your class since it's closer to mine." Gemma said. Harry waved good bye to the both of them and went off in the other direction. He didn't want Harry to leave, he liked Gemma but he didn't have the same connection with her as Harry. Harry just seemed to make Louis feel more comfortable, like it was okay to be who he is, even if Harry didn't know what that was.

As promised Gemma showed him to his classroom, she even introduced Louis to the teacher, Ms. Moore. Apparently Gemma had her last year, she had been Ms. More's favorite student. Ms. Moore was an older lady with blonde hair wrapped in a bun. She wore a black pencil skirt and a white blouse and looked very much like a teacher. She was kind, she welcomed Louis to the class, introduced him and found him a seat near the front then went on to begin class.

Louis did his best to pay attention and when he couldn't he tried to be as quiet and non-distracting as possible. He mostly doodled in his binder, on a piece of paper because this binder wasn't really his to draw on. While he was drawing he could feel the sets of eyes on him from around the room. Every so often he'd hear whispers but he could never make out what they were saying. Louis was used to this though so he easily ignored them and before he knew it, it was lunch time.

Louis had to ask for directions to the cafeteria and soon enough found himself standing at the entrance to a big room filled with many students. His plan was to look for an empty table and sit there because he figured Harry and Gemma wanted to spend time with their friends but there wasn't many completely empty tables. There was one with two other kids at it, younger than him so he figured they wouldn't say much if he just sat at the end of their table. It was when he started to walk over to it that he spotted Gemma sitting at a table with a bunch of other girls, giggling and talking amongst themselves. When he saw her talking with her friends that only confirmed his feeling of not wanting to interrupt them.

"Louis!" He heard his name being called and spun around to see Harry sitting at a table with two other boys. Harry was waving him over, trying to get him to come sit with him. As if he would say no?

"Hi, Harry." Louis smiled when he approached them, giving his two friends a wary glance.

"Louis, sit with us! Guys, this is my big brother, Louis!" Harry said looking to his friends. Louis couldn't help but smile at his words, trying his best to ignore the immediate reminder that he most likely wouldn't be his big brother for long. He knew it wasn't a good idea to squelch that reminder because it'll only hurt more when he's tossed back to the orphanage. "Louis, these are my mates, Zayn and Liam." Harry introduced gesturing to the boys. Zayn was a slightly chubby looking boy, with dark hair that really just laid flat on his head. He had light brown eyes behind thick framed glasses, Louis thought he looked a bit awkward but you could tell that once he hit puberty and filled out a bit, every girl in the school would be all over him. Liam had lighter brown hair with darker down eyes that crinkled when he smiled politely at Louis. He was a small boy, short and thin but Louis thought he looked adorable, like a puppy.

"Hey, Louis." Zayn greeted him first, sliding over to allow room for him to sit.

"Hi, Louis." Liam followed and Louis took his seat beside Zayn.

"Hi." Louis replied quietly. He dug into his backpack and pulled out the sandwich and juice box Anne had packed him for lunch, setting them on the table.

"Harry, I didn't know you had a brother. I thought Gems was your only sibling." Zayn inquired.

"Mum adopted him." Harry answered. Zayn and Liam shared a surprised look then looked to Louis for confirmation.

"Well, Harry, she hasn't adopted me yet." Louis said because he was quite certain that Harry has in fact taken a shine to Louis, and as happy as that made Louis, he didn't want Harry to get his hopes up either and have them squished when Anne and Robin sent him home or he found out what Louis is really like.

"She's going to though," Harry countered. "And then you'll be my brother and Gemma's brother and mum and Robin's son." Harry explained. Louis really liked the sound of that but, he knew it wouldn't happen like that.

The second day though didn't go over so smoothly. It seemed like it was going to be an ordinary day, other students whispering behind Louis' back but that was nothing new. He had lunch with Harry and his two friends, and for the most part paid attention in class. It wasn't until after the final school bell had rung and Louis desperately needed to use the washroom that the trouble started.

Louis was just washing his hands, trying to be as fast as he could be because he didn't want to make Anne wait any longer and possibly get left behind. He wasn't familiar with this neighborhood yet and was sure he wouldn't be able to find his way back to Anne's house. So he scrubbed his hands with soap, rinsed them and grabbed some paper towel just as he heard the bathroom door opening. Louis was still uncomfortable and shy with most students here so he ducked his head and willed himself to be invisible.

He heard multiple footsteps shuffling inside, voices talking and laughing until everything went quiet, shoes making a squeaking sound as if someone stopped abruptly. Louis couldn't take the silence anymore so he risked a glance up and saw three older boys standing in the middle of the room, all looking at Louis. Louis tried a smile, he tried to be friendly but it didn't appear to be working.

The three boys consisted of a taller a boy with blonde hair that lay flat on his head, he had dull green eyes and wore baggy black clothes. This boy stood in between two others, the one on the left was short and chubby with enough acne on his face to last him a life time. He too had blonde hair, though you could tell it wasn't natural, you could tell his natural hair color was the same color as his eyes, brown. The one on the right had dyed blonde hair as well with green eyes and a cast on his right arm. All three boys wore black and baggy clothes as if they were trying to match each other.

The boy in the middle eyed Louis while the other two shared a interested glance with each other. Louis was beginning to feel very uncomfortable so he tossed the paper towel in the trash bin and went to pick up his bag but then the boy in the middle spoke.

"Tomlinson, right?" He asked. Louis nodded slowly, not used to being referred to by his apparent last name. The orphanage told him that was his name, whether it really was or not, he had no way of knowing. "Or is it Styles? Or Twist?" The boy asked, obviously poking fun now. Only it wasn't fun.

"He's an orphan, Billy. Might as well not have a name." The boy on the right said. Louis felt it was time to leave. Louis threw his bag over his shoulder and made for the door but was stopped by the chubby one.

"Where you going, orphan?" He asked, pushing Louis back slightly. Louis shuffled backwards, trying to find his footing without taking a tumble to the floor.

"Anne is waiting for me." Louis mumbled quietly, looking to the ground.

"Anne? That's that Harry kid's mum, isn’t it?" The boy in the middle said, the other kids had called him Billy. The two other boys nodded. "Why is she waiting for you? She's not your mother. You don't have a mother." Billy said. Louis ducked his head further. He knew that. He didn't need to be reminded of that fact, thank you very much. "Who would want to be your mum? Even you're actual mum didn't want to, why else would she have given you to an orphanage." Louis was fighting tears by now, they were burning his eyes and making the tiling of the floor go all blurry.

"He's probably-" one of the other two started, which one Louis didn't know because he refused to look up and show his tears.

"Louis?" Came a voice from the door as it opened. The three boys split apart, looking behind them and shutting up once they saw a new person had entered the washroom. It was Liam, Harry's friend from lunch. He looked confused for a second, taking in his surroundings. He looked from the three startled boys to the scared looking boy that was fighting with himself on whether to look at the ground or at Liam.

"Come on," Billy spoke and soon Louis heard them shuffle out of the room. It was quiet for a moment, Louis thought maybe Liam left with the rest of the boys because why would he want to stick around with Louis? Louis was nothing special, just an orphan who nobody wanted. But soon he felt a small hand on his shoulder and then Liam was bending down a little and sticking his face under Louis' so he could see him. Louis turned away, ashamed of the tears evident in his eyes.

"Louis, are you okay?" Liam asked, his voice soft. Louis sniffled and brought his hand up to his eyes to wipe at them. Liam backed up a step as he did so, obviously sensing Louis didn't want an audience for this. "Were they picking on you?" Liam asked. Louis didn't answer, he stayed quiet and let the boy think what he wanted. He wasn't a snitch. Louis knew from previous experience that telling on people only got you called a tattle tale and laughed at. "It'll be okay, we'll tell Anne-"

"No!" Louis said immediately, probably the loudest he's spoke in a long time. "No, please don't tell Anne or Harry or anyone. It's fine. They- they weren't bothering me." Louis tried but Liam obviously didn't buy it. "Liam please. If you tell they'll ship me back to the orphanage."

"Anne wouldn't do that." Liam said immediately but Liam didn't know anything about this stuff. He's never been through this like Louis has. Louis has been through this many times before.

"Yes, they always do. Please, Liam. Just- just forget it happened. They won't do it again." Louis promised for the boys even though he had no idea if this was a one-time thing or not.

"How do you know?" Liam questioned. Liam was apparently a stubborn little boy.

"Because, this always happens. I'm used to it, it's okay. They get in their words and then they leave me alone." Louis lied. "It'll be fine. Please don't say anything." Liam seemed to be at war with himself but eventually nodded.

"Okay." He said quietly then motioned Louis towards to the door. Louis sighed in relief and picked up his bag. Liam explained that Anne usually gave Zayn and Liam a ride home after school and when Louis hadn't shown up she sent out a search party for him in case he got lost. Louis was a bit surprised that Anne cared enough to do that but was thankful that Liam had come when he did. Louis was certain those boys had more planned for him then just a few hurtful words. But maybe Liam had scared them somehow into not attempting it again. Maybe it was just a one-time thing.

 

 ~

 

It was not a one-time thing. Suddenly Billy and the two boys were all Louis saw lately. When he went to the washroom, when he was walking to class or to lunch, they were always there, they were always giving him dirty looks and bumping into him and even spilling his books when passing in the hall. But Louis could deal with that. It was nothing compared to what they did after school on Friday.

Yes, Louis made it all the way till Friday without being shipped back to the orphanage. He could barely believe it. Anne and Robin were nothing but caring towards Louis, they made him meals, they watched movies with him, and they talked about how school was going. They were actually involved in Louis' life which was weird for Louis. Harry and Gemma were nice as well, always asking to play with Louis, Harry had even invited him to play video games with Zayn and Liam on Wednesday. But Louis knew better than to get his hopes up. Soon the novelty of having a new kid and a new brother would wear off and Louis would find himself back in the orphanage. At this point Louis was like a new toy, they were all excited right now, eager to use the toy and take care of it but soon they would get bored or the toy would accidentally be thrown into a fragile vase and they would be done with him. And Louis just knew with what the three boys did on Friday, the vase wouldn't survive the fall.

Louis was walking through the hall, a little later than usual because Mrs. Moore asked him to stay and talk to see how he was adjusting. Louis of course told her everything was fine because he knew she really didn't care, she was only asking because it was her job. She made sure that Louis understood that he could go to her about anything and Louis of course promised he would but knew he wouldn't actually. If he went to her about anything that was happening she would tell Anne and that would be the end of this family. And Louis really liked this family, he wanted to make it last as long as he could before they sent him back.

So Louis was doing his best to make his little legs move as fast as they could when he was suddenly grabbed by the shoulders and yanked backwards. He let out a surprised squeak as he was dragged backwards into the boy’s washroom. He dropped his bag that he had been just about to put on his shoulders on the ground outside the door but he didn't care too much for it right now. He cared more about the hands that were dragging him by the shirt Anne had bought him.

Once inside Louis was dropped on the ground, landing on his back and smacking his head on the concrete. He grunted at the contact and held onto the back of his head with his hands, his eyes instinctively squeezing shut. There was a small burning feeling on the back of his head accompanied with a slight stinging sensation. Louis slowly opened his eyes, slightly confused as to what was going on when he saw three blonde boys came into focus in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I love reading your comments! looking to improve my writing in anyway so if you have any advice, let me know! And please leave kudos if you think it's worth it! thanks! :)


	6. Chapter 5

"Louis?" Came a voice from somewhere in the washroom. Louis didn't look up, he didn't respond because he didn't want to be found. Not like this. Not crying in a corner surrounded by paper towel that had fallen from the holder he had stumbled into it. Not with blood and snot dripping from his nose, not when he looked so gross and pathetic.

"Oh my god, Louis!" They said more urgently and soon there was a pair of hands on his shoulders, pulling him up right from where he was leaning against the wall into a sitting a position. "What happened? Are you okay?" Liam asked as he frantically moved the hair from Louis' face to see where the blood was coming from. Louis pulled away from him, he didn't want to be seen like this but he couldn't make the tears stop. He couldn't make them stop because he was a pathetic excuse for a boy. Only girls cry. That's what the boys had told him and Louis knew they were right but he couldn't stop them.

"I'm going to go get Anne." Liam said beginning to stand. This quickly dried Louis' tears.

"No!" Louis shouted, frantically grabbing for Liam's arm and pulling him back down. Liam stumbled a bit but righted himself so he was kneeling in front of Louis. "No, please don't tell Anne. Don't tell anyone."

"Louis-"

"No. Liam, don't. It's fine." Louis tried to assure him while wiping at his tears.

"It is not fine, look at you! You're bleeding!" Liam said. Louis shook his head.

"That was my fault, I tripped and fell, honest. They didn't hit me." It was true, sort of. They had pushed him back when he tried to leave and Louis being the klutz he is tripped on his own feet and stumbled into the paper towel dispenser causing it to break open. But however truthful it was, Liam didn't look like he was buying it.

"Louis, they're just going to keep doing it unless you say something." Liam tried. Louis shook his head again.

"Please Liam, you don't know what you're talking about, you're too young. Just- please don't. I won't let it happen again." Louis promised even though he had no way of upholding said promise.

"You said that last time." Liam stated with a sigh. Louis gripped his arm tighter, desperately trying to get him to agree somehow.

"Please, I don't want to go back there." Louis whispered. Louis knew then that he had convinced Liam when he sighed and shook his head.

"Okay. I still don't think Anne would do that but okay." Liam sighed, reaching for one of the paper towels on the ground. "But if it happens again, I will tell. No matter what you say." Liam warned as he used the paper towel to clean up Louis' face. The bleeding had stopped a little bit ago so it didn't take long in cleaning it up.

"Okay. It won't though. I'll stay away from them." Louis said quietly. Liam nodded and kept wiping at Louis' nose. After Liam managed to get the blood off his face, Liam wet a new paper towel and dabbed at Louis shirt that was thankfully a dark color so the blood wasn't so easily seen, not that there was a lot on there. Once Louis looked like he hadn't just been beaten, Liam stood, offering his hand to Louis who took it willingly and was pulled to his feet.

"Thank you, Liam." Louis said meeting the younger boy’s eyes. Liam nodded with a small sad smile and started picking up the rest of the paper towel. He threw them all out then grabbed Louis by the hand and pulled him out of the washroom. Liam also picked up Louis' bag that was sitting outside the door and handed it to him before dragging him down the hall and out to Anne's car.

Louis was thankful for Liam helping him, more than he could convey to the boy right now. He knew Liam was only doing it because that's who Liam was, Louis has learned that much over the lunches he's spent listening to the trio talk. Liam was so polite and kind to everyone, even when Harry would teasingly make fun of him, Liam just sat there and took it, sometimes dramatically laughing or smiling fondly at the boy but he never returned the comment. Liam would never think of hurting a fly so he for sure wouldn't leave a kid to cry on the floor of the bathroom. It had nothing to do with Louis and Liam wanting to befriend him, because of course who would want Louis as a friend? He was pathetic, he had been told so many times. He's annoying and disruptive and he wouldn't be into the same things as Liam was anyway. He never shared much in common with other boys, they were all about sports and Louis was... Not. Louis wasn't sure what his interests were, he wasn't sure how to classify himself. He just knew he wasn't like most boys his age.

"What took you so long, Louis?" Anne asked as the two boys climbed into the SUV. Louis panicked for a moment, he hadn't thought of an excuse yet.

"He got lost." Liam jumped in, avoiding looking at Louis. "Found him in the music room, looking for the toilet." Liam smiled though Louis could tell it was fake. Louis assumed with the kind of person Liam was, all kind and honest, he didn't like to lie and now Louis was forcing him to. "So I took him there before we came out." Liam explained, still not looking at Louis.

"Oh, alright. Thank you, love. That was nice of you." Anne said as she pulled out of the parking lot. Gemma sat in the front seat, a book in her hands as she completely ignored her surroundings. Zayn and Harry sat in the back, discussing what video games they were going to play and Liam sat beside Louis in the middle, pointedly not looking at Louis. Louis knew for sure now that there was no way Liam would be his friend. Not after making him do that. Louis could tell Liam was upset with him.

 

~

 

Louis of course wasn't able to keep the boys from picking on him, it's not like it was his choice. He tried to ask them to stop but that only got him laughed at more. Louis was however able to hide it and keep Liam out of it. He learned that he couldn't just sit there afterwards and cry. He learned he had to suck it up and get himself together before Liam or someone else came looking for him. It's not like it was an everyday thing, so Louis would just quickly calm himself and clean himself up, whether that be tears or blood he did it and would always think of some sort of excuse as to why he had a cut on his cheek or a bruise on his arm. Louis had told Anne he was quite clumsy, which wasn't a complete lie, but she had accepted it and had grown used to Louis stumbling and getting hurt because it's what boys do, right?

Liam always looked like he didn't believe Louis, like he always wanted to call him out on his fib but he never did. He kept quiet, sometimes giving Louis a look that said he knew he was lying but Louis would just look away. He couldn't let Liam get him sent back to the orphanage. It seemed though that Liam started to come looking for him sooner and sooner up until the point where Louis would literally run into him when exiting the bathroom. Louis decided he would just have to be quicker.

Even with this happening, Liam seemed to forgive Louis for making him lie that day. He would invite Louis over to play video games with him, Zayn and Harry, or invite him along on trips to the park that the boys made. Zayn did it as well, always inviting Louis along but Louis knew it was only because of Harry. They were only being nice because he was Harry's "brother", but he appreciated the gesture. This way Anne didn't seem to be worried about Louis at school and if he wasn't fitting in and making friends because in her eyes, he had friends. But Louis knew better than that.

Louis tried his best to pay attention in class, trying not to be disruptive because he was actually making it pretty far with this family, to his utter surprise, and he didn't want to mess that up. Louis was tip toeing around everything so as not to get in trouble and have Anne and Robin send him back. And for the most part he was doing pretty good, he had yet to be sent to the principal’s office, though he has been warned to pay attention and to stop kicking at the desk in front of him, he's been warned that his homework was supposed to be handed three days ago and that if it wasn't in tomorrow Ms. Moore would be force to call home and Louis didn't want that. So it was going better than it usually did and Louis was actually somewhat happy, bullying pushed aside.

At the house Gemma and Harry continued to want to play with him, Robin and Anne continued wanting to spend time with him, taking him out or staying in and watching movies. He had been assigned some chores as well, not a lot like most families gave him but just simple things like taking out the garbage and doing the dishes twice a week. Louis' life was becoming normal, and Louis was so happy about that. He didn't want to do anything to disrupt that but of course, Louis' just isn’t that lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think and please leave Kudos if you think it's worth it! Thanks for reading :)


	7. Chapter 6

It was after school one day when Harry and Louis were playing in the living room that everything went down the toilet. They were just having fun, Harry had challenged Louis to a handstand contest and said Louis was too afraid to try it so naturally, Louis just had to prove him wrong. Harry had already done his, falling over on his first attempt but succeeding in staying up for about five seconds on his second try. Harry looked smug when he planted his feet on the ground, insisting that Louis couldn't possibly do better and waiting impatiently for Louis to gather the courage to try. The thing was that Louis didn't want Harry to think he was boring and no fun, he wanted Harry to keep liking him and wanting to play with him because Louis liked playing with Harry. He knew it was stupid to get so attached when he'd probably be sent back at any moment but Louis couldn't help himself. He just kind of connected with Harry. He didn't know how because really, they didn't have that much in common but that didn't seem to matter to Harry. He still found ways to make Louis laugh and include Louis in almost everything he did. Harry didn't seem to mind that Louis might be a little different from other boys and that put Harry at the top of every list Louis could come up with.

So when Harry insisted it'd be fine and that Louis was being a 'party pooper' Louis felt the need to prove Harry otherwise. With his lips between his teeth, he contemplated how to do so without damaging anything around him or himself and figured it was best to do it by the side of the sofa where there was the least amount of things he could break. It started off fine, he had pretty good balance so it was fairly easy to keep Harry's time when he was upside down and using his hands to stay up. He would move a hand slightly to re-adjust himself when he'd lean too far one way and start to tip and it was going good. Harry was cheering him on in disbelief and Gemma had even come to see what all the noise was about, shaking her head and rolling her eyes at the boys even though she stuck around to see how long Louis could last.

He was going on ten seconds when Louis went to shift his hand but couldn't get it up far enough and ended up tripping on it, sending him toppling to the side and into a table that held a vase that also went toppling to the ground once Louis fell into the table. Louis felt a sharp pain in his wrist, he heard Gemma's gasp of shock and Harry shutting up once he realized what had happened and Louis just knew that he had screwed everything up. All his hard work to stay here with Harry, Gemma, Anne and Robin had just been shattered along with the vase. All the work he had done in school, paying attention and actually doing his homework, the lying to keep the bullies a secret, the keeping his room clean and the chores he agreed to do, all of it, shattered in a matter of twelve seconds.

There was no way Louis would be sticking around now. Once Anne and Robin found out about the vase he was done for. They'd pack him up and ship him out. They'd have nothing to do with him because who wanted a kid that could do nothing but screw up? And that's exactly what Louis was. A screw up. He screwed up all the time, no matter how hard he tried, something always happened. Louis could feel tears of frustration burning his eyes and blurring his vision, the shards of the vase blurring together as he stared at it. He heard Gemma asking if he was alright and grabbing at the arm that he was cradling to his chest because his wrist _did_ hurt but he didn't care about that. He didn't want to go back to the orphanage. He hated it there. He couldn't go back there, he'd sooner run away then go back there.

"Louis, it's okay. You're going to be fine, I don't think it's broken." Gemma assured, examining his wrist. "Harry, go get Mum." She instructed.

"No! She- she's going to be so mad!" Louis exclaimed but Harry ignored him and took off up the stairs. "Gemma, please, help me clean it up, please don't tell them. I don't want to go back there." Louis begged, ignoring the throbbing coming from his wrist.

"What are you talking about? Louis, you hurt your wrist, Mum has to look at it." She explained softly but Louis shook his head frantically.

"No, I'm fine, I- we have to clean-"

"What happened here?" Someone exclaimed from behind them. Louis froze in his spot, recognizing the voice immediately only in a tone he had yet to hear. Anne sounded angry, very angry and Louis wished there was some way he could go back in time and stop Harry from challenging him. He wished he could glue the vase back together or anything, just something to stop all this. He couldn't go back there. He had worked so hard to be good for this family, it wasn't fair.

"Mum, he hurt his wrist." Gemma explained. Anne was by his side in a second, kneeling down and gently taking his wrist in her hands.

"Louis, I need you to bend your wrist for me, love. Can you do that?" She asked softly. Louis was confused. Why was she looking after Louis? She should be scolding him for breaking her vase. She should be demanding how this happened and how Louis planned to fix this. She should be telling him to clean it up and go pack. Why wasn't she doing this?

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Anne. I- I didn't mean to-" Louis started apologizing, only to be cut off.

"Lou, bend your wrist, does it hurt?" She asked, ignoring Louis' attempt to apologize. Probably because she's already made up her mind about returning Louis and nothing Louis could say would change that. Louis obeyed this time, moving his wrist around and wincing slightly but there was no excruciating pain.

"Not really." Louis mumbled, his voice sounding indistinguishable from the saliva and snot on his lips making it difficult to talk.

"Okay, let's get you up," Anne said, standing up and helping Louis to his feet. She led Louis to the kitchen, instructing Harry and Gemma to stay away from the glass and to follow them into the kitchen where Anne lifted Louis up and placed him on the counter. Louis sat silently as he watched Anne go to the freezer and retrieve a bag of frozen peas, wrapping them in a hand towel and placing it gently on Louis' wrist. The cold enveloped his wrist, making the pain a dull ache after a few seconds. Anne then proceeded to get a cloth, wetting it and wiping at Louis' face, ridding him of the snot and saliva.

"Anne, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Please, please don't-" Louis began to apologize again when Harry stepped in.

"It was my fault Mum, don't send him back. Please!" Harry begged.

"Send him back?" Anne asked, looking to her curly haired son. "What on earth..." She trailed off as she took in the pleading eyes of her son, the worried look of her daughter and the completely regretful and scared look on Louis. She sighed again, wiping at Louis' face one more time before setting the cloth down. "Gemma, Harry, go get Robin. Ask him to clean up the vase, please." Anne instructed. The children looked troubled, as if they weren't sure they should listen to their mother for fear of Louis being sent back without their consent. It was probably better this way, Louis thought, less embarrassing and all.

"But Mum-"

"Go," She said firmly, shutting Harry up and watching as Gemma lead him away to go get Robin. Anne turned back to Louis he had more tears running down his cheeks. His tears really had nothing to do with the pain in his wrist but the fear of being sent away. He hadn't realized just how attached he had gotten here. Not just to Harry but to Gemma and Anne and Robin. They were so nice and so welcoming, Louis didn't think he deserved such a nice family. He was just a screw up.

"Anne, I'm really sorry. I'll- I'll go pack." He said and made to jump down from the counter but was stopped with Anne stepping in front of him, keeping him up on the counter and looking into her eyes.

"Louis, I'm not sending you back." Was the first thing she said, completely throwing Louis off guard and rendering him speechless. "You're in a lot of trouble, don't think you're not, but there is no way I'm sending you back, love. These things happen. Things break all the time and we have to pay the consequences, yes, but those consequences will never be sending you back to that orphanage."

"But I-"

"No, love, you're staying here and doing dishes every night for a week with no TV. You're not going back there, Louis. You're a part of this family." Anne said this as she reached up and moved a stray lock of hair from his eyes, pushing it back behind his ear and keeping her hand there, holding his face so he would look at her.

"Really?" He asked, not really able to believe her. She nodded.

"I don't want you to ever think I would send you away for anything, okay?" Anne said, running her fingers through Louis' hair, ruffling up the work she had just done to keep it out of his face. "I love you, Louis. Robin and I love you, we wouldn't send you away for anything." And really, Louis was already crying so he thought a few more tears wouldn't matter. It's just, he's never heard that before. No one has ever told him that they love him. He's never had someone push his hair back so carefully before, he's never had someone take him as a priority rather than whatever he's broken. He's never had a family before, he didn't know what to expect.

"I'm sorry." Was all Louis could say. For the vase, for being a screw up, for lumping Robin and Anne with those other horrible families, Anne would never know that though.

"I know you are, love. But it's just a vase. I'm just glad you didn't break your wrist." She smiled softly at him and Louis couldn't help but return it.

"Okay, who's the little trouble maker that broke that ugly, err, I mean... Beautiful vase?" Robin asked, coming into the kitchen with a dustpan full of broken glass. He tossed the shards into the rubbish bin and grinned innocently over at Anne who was glaring playfully at her husband. Robin made his way over to them, sneaking his hand around Anne's waist and placing his other hand on Louis' back.

"I did." Louis admitted quietly.

"What'd she get ya for? No computer? Extra chores?" Robin asked like this wasn't that big of a deal. Like Louis didn't have fresh tears on his face, like Louis hadn't just broken a vase, an expensive looking one at that.

"Dishes for a week." Louis said, feeling a little bit better now that Robin didn't seem to be so mad. Robin gasped.

"That's a lot of dishes!" he exclaimed. Louis giggled slightly.

"And no TV!" Louis added in a huff.

"Are you mad?" Robin exclaimed, turning to his wife with a horrified look. Anne snorted and rolled her eyes.

"No, but I think you might be." She commented. Louis giggled at this, wiping at his face to rid himself of the tears.

"Mum, is Louis staying?" Harry's small worried voice came from the doorway to the kitchen. Gemma was right behind them, the same look of worry etched in her face. Robin gave his wife a confused look but she only shook her head and turned to her children.

"Of course, darling, come here you two." She said and waved them over. The two children shuffled over, Harry wedging his way in between Robin and Anne, Gemma coming to stand beside Anne and Louis' legs. "Louis is a part of this family. He's not going anywhere but up to his room because he is grounded for a week." Despite being grounded for a week, Louis couldn't help but smile. He loved hearing that. _Apart_ _of_ _this_ _family_. "And you will be following him because you know better than to be doing that kind of stuff in this house." Anne scolded Harry who pouted and hung his head. "Right, now off you go. I'll call you down for dinner."

That night Anne and Robin tucked Louis into bed, explaining to him that they were not mad at him in anyway, that they didn't care about a stupid vase as long as Louis wasn't hurt. Louis nearly cried again, only he didn't hate himself for it like he usually did. He found it hard to be mad at himself when Robin and Anne were looking at him so lovingly. He still didn't like the fact that he cried so easily but it mattered less if Anne and Robin didn't mind.

"On Monday you won't be going to school, love." Anne explained. She was sitting on the edge of Louis' bed, brushing some hair out of Louis' face while Robin stood beside the bed, looking down at Louis. It was hard not to jump to conclusions with what Anne had said. Louis immediately thought they were returning him to the Orphanage because, why else would he be not going to school?

"We've got to go back to the Orphanage and talk about the arrangements." Robin added, not doing anything to change Louis' assumptions.

"We've got to fill out some paperwork and then head down to the adoption agency." Anne said with a small smile. Louis frowned at this, Adoption Agency?

"Why?" Louis asked, not following what they were telling him.

"Louis, it'll be one month on Monday." Anne explained sweetly. Louis was shocked. He's never made one month before or even anywhere near it. He'd nearly forgotten there was a second step to all this. He was so used to just being moved in and out of different families, no one ever actually wanting to adopt him that he was honestly shocked he'd made it this far and Anne and Robin wanted to adopt Louis. They wanted to adopt Louis!

"Really?" Louis asked, sitting upright in the bed. Anne chuckled slightly and nodded but for some reason Louis needed even more conformation than that and turned to Robin.

"Really, son." He said, smiling down at Louis. Louis couldn't believe it. He was actually going to have a family. In two days, Louis would have a family. It's all he's ever wanted. He didn't care about cell phones or game consoles, he didn't need fancy clothes or the latest toy out in stores. He just wanted a family, people who loved him and cared about him and actually wanted him around. People who loved him no matter what. And he was finally getting them. Anne, Robin, Gemma and Harry were going to be his _family_.

"Okay, love, time to get some rest." Anne instructed, laying Louis back down in the bed. She leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Louis' forehead as she tucked the blankets over him. "Sleep well." She said before standing and heading for the door. Robin smoothed out Louis' hair, smiling down at him then following Anne out of the room.

"Goodnight, Louis." He said quietly over his shoulder before shutting the door, leaving it open only a couple inches to allow some light into the room.

Louis went to sleep that night with a big grin on his face. He was so happy, he could barely calm himself long enough to go to sleep but he didn't want to upset Anne or Robin so he forced himself to sleep, he had plenty of time to be giddy tomorrow.

 

                                       *                  *                  *

 

"Okay, that settles it." The lady behind the desk said, a smile on her face as she organized the papers they had just gone over. Louis hadn't really paid attention, it was a bunch of words he didn't understand all meaning one thing; Louis was officially Louis William Tomlinson-Twist. Not exactly easy to say and not something he was looking forward to filling out in paperwork similar to this when he was older but, he was happy with it none the less. Anne and Robin let him decide whether he wanted to keep his name or not but Louis somehow felt wrong throwing his old name out the window. Sure, he felt as though that's what his biological mother had pretty much done to him but he still felt as though it was a part of who he was and he didn't need any more confusion in that department so he asked if he could have both. They both smiled at him and nodded, completely understanding.

"That's it? We're done?" Anne asked, a bright smile on her face. The lady nodded again, slipping the paperwork in a file folder and handing it to Robin.

"We're done." The lady confirmed. "You and your son may go home." Anne thanked the lady happily and stood, Robin following.

"Ready, Louis?" Anne asked, holding out her hand to him. Louis hesitated for only a second then reached out and took her hand, hoping off the chair and allowing himself to be lead away. The three of them were all smiles all the way home, Louis feeling like he could fly. He had a family. He was going home. _His_ home, _his_ family. He couldn't believe it.

"That didn't take as long as we thought, you could still go to school, Louis." Robin said, turning to smile at him from the passenger’s seat. Louis frowned at this, he didn't want to go to school, school meant he might run into Billy and his friends and Louis really didn't want to ruin this day with that. "Or... We could go get some ice cream and watch a movie instead?" Robin said knowingly. Louis smiled and nodded eagerly, bouncing in his seat slightly. Louis has never been happier in his life than he was in this moment.

 

                                       *                  *                  *

 

Of course his happiness couldn't last long. It never did. Two days later after school Louis ran into Billy and his look-a-likes. He hadn't meant to, obviously, but they were hard to avoid sometimes. Especially when they looked for you in every possible corner you could hide. Louis heard them before he saw them and immediately turned the corner but wasn't fast enough to avoid being seen. They caught up to him and Louis barley had a chance to glance around to see if there was anyone to help him before he was on the ground.

"Heard you got adopted, Orphan." Billy said. Louis wanted to tell him to shut up. He wanted to scream at him because there was no way he was going to allow Billy to taint that part of his life. That was a happy part of his life and Billy had not right to take that from him.

"He's not an orphan if he's adopted, Billy." One of the two followers commented. Billy frowned.

"True, but they only adopted him because otherwise they'd look bad. Mr. Twist has a reputation to uphold, sending an orphan back would look bad to his customers. Besides, the only reason to adopt a kid is so they have a slave to do all the house work." Billy explained, bringing those damned tears to Louis' eyes. The other two boys laughed.

"Aw, he's already crying." One of them commented.

"You're such a girl, Orphan!" Billy said, making Louis flinch. "Stop crying! Boys don't cry!" He said and kicked out with his foot, hitting Louis in the shin. Louis made a noise in pain and grabbed at his shin, only to be hit in the face by a shoe.

"Stop, please." Louis begged, grabbing at his face instead. He pulled his hand away to see blood smeared on the tip of his finger, where it was coming from, he didn't know.

"Stop being such a girl and we will." Billy said again, kicking again and sending Louis backwards to smack his head on the concrete. "Stop crying, Orphan!" Another kick and Louis knew he wasn't going to make it to the car in time. Louis lost track of what hits went where, he only knew he hurt, a lot. He was also vaguely aware that Billy was the only one hitting him, the other two stood and watched as Louis actually became unaware of what was actually going on. He was slipping in and out of consciousness and was thinking how ironic it would be if he died right now. He finally got his family and now he was going to die before he had the chance to enjoy it. Louis thought that was really unfair.

"Hey! Leave him alone!" Louis heard a familiar voice say, Liam's of course, before he completely blacked out.

 

*                  *                  *

 

Louis woke up in emergency room. Or what he was guessing was the emergency room, he was lying in a bed that was in room surrounded in white walls. He hurt everywhere and couldn't help but groan when he tried to move.

"Louis?" A small worried voice came from his right. Louis opened his eyes to see Harry standing beside his bed, his eyes red and puffy as if he had been crying.

"Hi, Harry." Louis smiled weakly at him before turning his head to Zayn standing at the end of his bed, Gemma beside him and Liam on the other side of Louis. Louis frowned at Liam. "You told them." Louis tried to glare but wasn't too sure how it turned out.

"I told you, if I ever caught them again that I would." Liam said automatically. Louis really couldn't argue with that. He _had_ said that.

"You should have told us from the beginning." Gemma glared at the younger boy, Liam looking ashamed in himself.

"I asked him not to. Don't blame him." Louis said immediately.

"Louis," a new voice came from the door and then Louis was being engulfed in a hug. Anne sniffled in his ear before pulling away to look at him, holding his face between her hands as she examined his face.

"Oh, what did those boys do to you?" Anne asked. Louis assumed she wasn't really looking for an answer since she could clearly see what they had done to him. Louis was slightly confused at her reaction though, he was expecting her to be mad that she has to deal with this.

"You're not mad?" Louis asked quietly. Anne frowned in confusion.

"Mad? I'm very mad, but not at you, love." She added softly.

"Not at me?" Louis asked. The last time a foster parent actually had to deal with Louis' bullying they got so mad at him because it was such an inconvenience. Louis had to remember to not lump Anne and Robin with those families.

"Never." Anne assured him, placing a soft kiss to his forehead. The door opened again and Robin came into the room and he looked absolutely pissed. Louis couldn't help but try to hide under the covers. He reminded himself that they weren't like the other families.

"Mum, what's going to happen to Billy?" Gemma asked quietly. Louis didn't want to talk about them, not really but he was curious if he would be punished or not.

"Billy's been expelled from the school. The other two have been suspended." Anne explained. "We don't need to concern ourselves with anything else but Louis getting better."

"Come on boys, I'll take you home. You can see Louis later." Robin said, motioning for Liam and Zayn to follow him out the door. Louis couldn't help but be surprised that they even wanted to see Louis, they were Harry's friends. Weren't they?

Louis waved goodbye to Liam and Zayn either way, sinking into the mattress once they were gone. He was really tired. He just wanted to go to sleep and hopefully when he woke up he'd be healed and he wouldn't have a massive headache. Somehow though, he didn't think that would happen. Harry shifted, catching Louis' attention in time to see him crawling into the bed with him beside him, getting under the covers with him and curling up beside him. Louis couldn't help but smile at this. Despite the events of the day, he still had his family. It was going to take some getting used to and he'd have to remember to not compare them to those other families but he was happy. It felt good to have them all here for him. It felt good to know that they always would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! And Please leave Kudos if you think it's worth it! Thanks for reading! :)


	8. Chapter 7 (Seven Years Later)

_Seven years later…_

 

          Louis sat in the backseat of the taxi, starring out the window at the familiar roads of Holmes Chapel. It was the first time he's been home since he went off to university two years ago. He realizes what a dick move that was but Anne and Robin were very understanding that he needed to focus on his studies. He felt really bad about lying to them, because of course he could have made time to come home for Christmas at least but he didn't. He was worried that being around them would make them see through Louis' mask he's worked so hard to construct. He knew he couldn't be his true self around his family or they wouldn't accept him. He learned that early on, that he needed to act more like other boys or Anne and Robin wouldn't have kept him.

That's not to say he is a completely different person around them, no, just... More reserved in a way. There were certain things he didn't discuss with them or around them, certain things he didn't do around them and he was okay with that. Pretending just a little meant he could keep his family, his family that he has grown to love and cherish and would do anything for. He could hide this one part of himself if it meant keeping them happy because Louis knew they loved him. They wanted to keep him around but he also knew if they knew his secret it would destroy everything. He couldn't expect them to love him if they knew, they didn't adopt that Louis. They adopted a nice normal boy and it would be unfair of Louis to rip that from them.

So Louis spent as little time at home as possible because he was afraid of slipping up. He had to constantly be on guard and he didn't want to screw everything up like he always did. It was just better this way. But school had finished for the summer and Harry had graduated and Louis figured he'd be a right jerk if he missed this as well. Of course Harry's ceremony had already come and passed, there was nothing Louis could do about missing that honestly but today they were throwing a party for Harry and his close fellow graduates and Louis thought it'd be nice to surprise Harry.

No one knew he was coming, they all thought Louis had school for another two days so they were not expecting him. He did know however, that the party started an hour ago and if this taxi driver drove any slower he'd not be getting a tip.

Louis' nerves were at an all-time high. He was about to walk into his home and see everyone that he hasn't seen in years. What if they didn't like him anymore? Or they'd forgotten who he was? Not Harry or Anne or anyone like that but his kind of mates, more Harry's mates, but still. What if they forgot who Louis was or just didn't want him to come back? It was a legitimate concern since Louis was always on the sidelines through school. Sure, everyone invited Harry's big brother to the parties and football games but that's all he ever was. Harry's big brother, the guy that was good for a laugh and supplying underage teens with alcohol but not much else. Louis figured he would just have to push his worries aside, this day was about Harry, not Louis.

When Louis was finally dropped off in front of the familiar home, he paid the taxi driver and watched as he drove off, then he was turning and taking in the sight of his home. It was an odd feeling that came over him, he'd missed home a lot over the two years. He's missed Anne's cooking, Harry's even, he missed playing football in the back yard with all of them, he missed Gemma's obnoxious boy band music blaring from her room, he missed Robin trying to fix something and really only making it worse and calling a professional to finish it. He missed all that, and now it was right in front of him yet he was kind of dreading going inside. He knew going inside meant putting on that mask he's spent so long learning when to put it on and when to take it off, an he's become good at it but with the added pressure of his family... Would he be able to keep it up?

Louis picked up his bags and marched forward because it really was too late to back out now. He knew how silly he was being as well, this was his family after all, and he couldn't hide from them forever. He'd have to learn to keep up the act on the go he supposed. Louis didn't knock, he didn't need to and he didn't think anyone would hear him anyway if the amount of cars parked in the driveway was anything to go by on how many people were actually inside. He let himself in, kicking his shoes off and setting his bags to the side. He could hear music coming from the basement, probably where the more fun activities were being held and he could hear chatter coming from the living and the kitchen, he wasn't exactly sure where to look first.

He figured his best bet was to head for the kitchen, Anne was probably in there cooking enough to feed a village. He made his way through the familiar house, remembering each turn like he had just taken them yesterday until he was standing in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the frame and crossing his arms over his chest. He felt a small smile creep over his lips as he watched Anne hustle about the kitchen, slipping something that was covered in tinfoil into the oven. Gemma stood at the counter, cutting something up; both their backs to Louis. They probably wouldn't have noticed him if it weren't for Harry's friend Liam's mother Karen spotting him and gasping in surprise.

"Anne, there's someone here to see you." Karen beamed at Louis, her eyes already starting to tear up. Louis remembered that much about her, she cried at everything. Anne spun around in confusion, her eyes searching the room until they landed on Louis. She gasped as well, dropping her oven mitts on the ground, Louis thanks whatever god is up there that she wasn't holding a roast or something. Gemma turned as well, wondering who could have caused such a reaction and squealed when she saw Louis.

"Louis! You came!" Gemma said excitedly, making her way around the kitchen to pull Louis into a hug. Louis chuckled and wrapped his arms around her waist, hugging her tightly but also being cautious of the knife she still held in her hand.

"If you poke me with that thing, I'm gone." Louis teased as he pulled away, eyeing the knife. She grinned at Louis, then turned to set the knife down. Louis actually saw Gemma not too long ago so she really hadn't changed a whole lot since then. The only thing that's changed is she may have gotten a haircut, but Louis couldn't be sure. Anne also hadn't changed much, maybe a few wrinkles that Louis makes a note of not to mention to her, but really she looked the same to Louis. It was a bit overwhelming, being back in the same place where everyone around him hasn't changed really but he feels likes he's changed so much.

"Louis, my boy." Anne said in a sweet voice as she too made her way over to Louis, pulling him into an even tighter hug. Louis didn't mind though, he quite enjoyed it and even squeezed her back, trying to somehow apologize for not coming home for two years. She smelled like she used to, reminding Louis of home and making Louis think he ought to come home more often.

"Hi, mum." Louis mumbled into her hair. She kept her hold on him until Louis' back started to ache from the awkward angle and someone else's hand came down on his shoulder, making him pull away in curiosity. It was Robin, smiling at him knowingly as if he somehow knew Louis was planning this. Louis smiled at him and pulled him into a hug as well, Anne still clutching onto his side. "Dad. I'm sorry it's been so long." Louis apologized.

"Don't worry about it, we know you've got a lot going on at Uni. We're just glad you're here now." Robin replied, squeezing him back briefly then letting go. Anne still held on and Louis didn't think she was letting go anytime soon. He didn't mind.

"How is school going?" Anne asked, looking up slightly at Louis.

"It's good. Boring, but I'll live." He replied with a small smile. Anne rolled her eyes, smiling fondly at her son.

"Soon you'll be a nurse and I'll get to make fun of you in your scrubs." Gemma teased as she went back to cutting whatever it was she was cutting before. Louis silently mimicked her, making ridiculous faces she would never make and earning a light smack to the chest from Anne. Louis grinned at her innocently and stepped away, going to the fridge to retrieve a drink.

"Karen, good to see you again." Louis greeted as he passed, stopping briefly to give her a hug. She smiled and hugged him back, mumbling something about how happy she is to see him.

"I do hope you're going to be getting a haircut, Lou. Yours is getting a bit long." Anne said from behind him. Louis huffed but it ended in more of a chuckle because he hadn't even been home ten minutes and Anne was already fussing over him.

"Maybe." He replied, grabbing a soda from the fridge and cracking it open. "Where's Haz?" He asked turning around to see Anne giving him a look that said the hair conversation was not over but that they could move on for now.

"In his room with his mates." Anne answered. Louis nodded and said his farewells before hurrying up stairs to where Harry's room should be. He passed the living room and saw a bunch of people sitting about chatting, some people he knew but most he didn't so he kept going in search of Harry. He made it up the stairs and took a right, heading three doors down the hall until he heard Harry's familiar deep voice, he only knew his voice had deepened from the phone calls they had weekly. Louis slowed his pace, creeping up to the door so he could surprise them.

"Man, I'm still hung over from last weekend." A new voice said, an Irish voice Louis thought but couldn't exactly be sure. He wondered briefly where Harry had met an Irish man but didn't think on it long before he pounced.

"You're finally free!" Louis shouted as he jumped into the room, spotted Harry and jumped on him. Harry startled and spun around in time for Louis to tackle him to the ground. Louis landed on top of him, grinning down at the curly haired boy. Harry still looked confused but then his eyes were widening as he realized who had just tackled him to the ground.

"Lou!" He shouted, a big smile spreading across his face. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis as best he could while being squished by him at the same time. "You're here! I can't believe- I mean, I thought you had school?"

"Finished yesterday and got on the first flight I could." Louis grinned down at him. "Do you really think I'd miss this? I couldn't miss you becoming a contributing member of society." Louis said. He decided it was time to get up and haul Harry to his feet so he could breathe and they could give each other a proper hug. So that's just what they did.

"I can't believe this! You're actually home, I missed you so much." Harry said into Louis' neck. Louis felt bad about being gone so long, he really did and the feeling was only getting worse with each person he greeted. He really should come home more.

"I missed you too." Louis replied, squeezing him one last time before letting him go. Harry was grinning from ear to ear, his ridiculous dimples on display for everyone to see. Louis now had the chance to take in Harry, his curls, his eyes, and his height. "Jesus, when did you get so damn tall?" Louis asked, looking up at Harry who grinned down at Louis. "And muscly." Louis finished, poking Harry in the chest.

"I started working out..." Harry answered shyly. Louis could tell that much. Louis couldn't believe how tall he had gotten, he's changed so much. This made Louis feel a bit better about him changing and no one else changing but it also made him feel bad because he missed this. He missed Harry growing up because he was being an idiot and decided to avoid his family.

"Louis," A familiar voice said from behind him. Louis spun around to see what Louis could only describe as a model from a men's fashion magazine with the styled up dark hair, sharp jaw, mysterious dark eyes and pouty lips, but he knew this person was no fashion model.

"Zayn?" Louis asked more than said. Zayn chuckled, shuffling over to pull Louis into a quick hug. "Well, shit." Louis mumbled, looking Zayn over one more time. Honestly, if Louis hadn't known Zayn since he was eleven he'd probably have to scold himself into thinking appropriate thoughts about the bloke, but that was just weird to even think about and not something he should even be considering in front of his family. That would not help in keeping this mask of his intact. "What happened to the awkward podgy kid I used to know?" Louis teased, grinning at Zayn. Zayn rolled his eyes, shoving Louis slightly.

"He grew up." Zayn answered.

"That's for sure." Louis mumbled, more to himself than anyone else. It was then that Louis noticed a new face, one that he didn't recognize at all and not just because they grew up. This person had blonde hair with bright blue eyes and a friendly smile when Louis finally looked at him.

"Uh, Lou, this is Niall. He's a transfer student from Ireland. Transferred in the middle of last year." Harry explained. "Ni, this is my brother Louis." Niall's smile grew and the blonde held out his hand to Louis. Louis took it, returning the smile.

"I've heard a lot about you," Niall said, his Irish accent shining through. "You're all Harry can ever talk about." Niall chuckled.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far..." Harry mumbled, obviously a little embarrassed.

"I would." Zayn commented. Louis grinned at Zayn and was about to put in his own comment when Harry's bathroom door opened and in came a tall, muscular bloke, not taller than Harry but definitely more muscular, Louis could tell by the way his t-shirt stretched over the back of his shoulders. When the person turned around Louis was met with dark brown eyes that looked very familiar but the rest of him did not. His hair was shaved short along the side and longer on the stop, styled up into a quiff. There was a little bit of stubble framing his jaw and his arms. Good god, his arms. Louis desperately wanted to know why this person rang a bell in his memory but he couldn't place them, surely he'd remember a bloke this fit.

"Li! Lou's here!" Harry said excitedly. And wait, what?

"Liam?" Louis said in disbelief. Liam looked up and met Louis' eyes. He smiled shyly at Louis and Louis didn't blame him because he knew he was staring but he couldn't pull his eyes from him.

"Hey, Lou." Liam said awkwardly with a small wave. Louis really had to pull it together, he knew that but he couldn't believe this was Liam. He couldn't believe this was little scrawny Liam. Liam that begged him to tell on the bullies in school. Liam who cries at Toy Story, every time. Liam who always made sure to include Louis at the parties he was invited to. He couldn't believe this was Liam.

"Jesus, what's in the water here?" Louis joked, trying to cover up his utter shock and possible drool. All four boys chuckled at Louis, even Niall who really didn't know Louis. "I should have stuck around, I seemed to have missed the puberty bus." Louis joked, looking down at his smaller frame.

"You and me both." Niall agreed. Louis took in his body, it was similar to Louis', not tall and not well built but not horrible to look at. Louis smiled at him and stepped closer to the boy, slinging his arm over his shoulder.

"I like him." Louis admitted, earning a chuckle from each of them.

"Hey, where's my hug?" Liam asked quietly, making Louis remember just how polite Liam is. Even when demanding something, even if it is a hug, he still did it in a quiet manner with no real conviction behind his words, only hope. Louis dropped his arm from around Niall and stepped toward Liam, wrapping him up in a hug.

"Jesus, where's my little puppy? You're too big to hug." Louis teased. Really, Louis loved how big he's gotten, he actually enjoyed the way Liam sort of surrounded him.

"I'm still your little puppy, I've just grown up." Liam replied, still holding onto Louis.

"That's what everyone keeps saying..." Louis grumbled. He felt Liam chuckle more than he heard him.

"Well, that's what happens when you disappear for two years." Harry said jokingly though Louis could hear the hurt in his voice. He was a horrible brother, he decided. He should have come home. To hell with his mask, he had hurt Harry and that was just not okay.

"I'm sorry, but I'm home now... I get points for that, right?" Louis asked hopefully as he pulled away from Liam but making sure to not step too far away. He always had a weird connection with Liam. He was always there when Louis needed help no matter what it was, Liam always seemed to just know when Louis needed a break from people or when he needed to be around people. Louis didn't quite understand it, that's just how it was. He didn't even know if Liam knew that he did this, but he was thankful either way.

"Depends... How long are you staying?" Harry asked, folding his arms over his chest and giving Louis a look that said if Louis says anything less than three weeks, he will probably be shunned. The actual time frame of Louis' visit had yet to be decided but coming home now and seeing everyone and realizing just how much he had missed them decided for him.

"Until school starts up again," Louis said and smiled as Harry's face lit up. Two months, Louis had just agreed to spending two months at home where he'd have to lie most of the time about himself because surely those questions will come up. Questions like, 'got any girls back at Uni?' Or 'are the girls there really as fun as they seem in movies?' and normally those questions would be fine, they were expected and Louis should have an answer for them. But he didn't. Louis didn't have a girlfriend at Uni, he didn't know what the girls were like there because he never tried to pull any of them. He never tried because he wasn't interested, he had found this out around the age fifteen in the boys locker room and has been hiding it ever since.

Louis was gay. Louis was gay and not one single person knew about it. He's too afraid to tell anyone, he was afraid they'd reject them like all those families before. He knew that's what they all saw in him and that's why they didn't want him. He knew if he came out that Anne and Robin would disown him. The proof was in the families that saw it in him before hand and got rid of him before they had to deal with it. Louis couldn't tell Anne and Robin because that's not the kid they adopted and he wasn't going to ruin this. He loved his family and he couldn't live without them, even if that meant not being around them much or even being himself around them. Even if it meant he'd never be able to introduce them to one of his boyfriends and that probably meant he'd never seriously be with anyone. But that was okay, he'd rather have his family. It's the one thing he grew up desperately wanting and he wasn't throwing it away now.

 

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Later that evening when Louis made his rounds, greeting and catching up with the people he knew and Harry introducing him to the people he didn't, Louis found himself in the kitchen, needing a break from socializing and trying to be 'the funny guy' and making everyone laugh. Not that he didn't like making people laugh but there was a lot of people in there and it became exhausting after a while. In the kitchen were the remains of the diner Anne had cooked, leftovers stacked neatly on the counter, the dirty dishes overflowing in the sink, Louis didn't even want to think about who was going to have to wash all those. Surely they wouldn't make their son that just came home wash all those.

"You always did like your alone time." Came a voice, startling Louis away from where he was leaning on the counter. Liam smiled at Louis, obviously catching the fact that he scared him but was probably too afraid of offending Louis to tease him about it. Good old Liam.

"Just need a break." Louis said quietly, watching as Liam came to join him, both of them leaning back against counter, side by side. Liam nodded, seeming to understand like he always did. Liam crossed his arms over his chest and Louis couldn't help but notice a dark something on his forearm. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion because there was no way Liam Payne got a tattoo.

"What is that?" Louis questioned, pushing himself off the counter again so he could stand in front of Liam and examine his arm. Liam unfolded his arm and allowed Louis to maneuver it so he could see. Four dark arrows made their way up his arm, reminding Louis of the speed booster lines in Mario Kart. "Sick." Louis mumbled as he examined the arrows.

"Mum let me get it as a graduation present." Liam explained and when Louis looked up at him he could see the faint pink tinge in his cheeks. Louis smiled at him.

"Yeah? Still have to ask mummy for permission?" Louis teased because he really wasn't afraid to be an arse. The blush in Liam's cheeks brightened and Louis struggled for a word to describe him that wasn't adorable or cute. He failed.

"I’m not eighteen yet, Lou. Needed her legal consent." Liam mumbled, pulling his arm away and ducking his head. Definitely adorable.

"Ah, right. Always the youngest of the group." Louis teased some more. Harry and Zayn's birthdays were earlier on in the year and Liam's wasn't until the end of August.

"Not anymore, Niall's birthday is a couple weeks after mine." Liam defended himself.

"Oh? Is he apart your little group now?" Louis asked. Liam nodded, frowning slightly.

"He's a part of _our_ group, Lou. You need to stop cutting yourself out." Liam said sternly. Louis ignored this because he always did when Liam tried to tell him they were all best mates, as if they weren't only putting up with Louis because of Harry. He knew that's why they were friends with him, because of Harry.

"Is he a good guy?" Louis asked even though he already knew the answer. If he were a true arse, they wouldn't be friends with him and Louis could tell from what little time he's spent with the lad that he was at least a decent guy. Liam nodded his head.

"Yeah, he's really cool. Fun, carefree, likes to get into trouble so you'll probably get along with him." Liam said, apparently gaining enough confidence to tease Louis.

"Oh, really? I'll have to be the judge of that, Payno." Louis said. He was still standing in front of Liam, his arms now crossed over chest. Liam smiled at this, his eyes crinkling at the corners like they always did.

"I missed that name, you're the only one the calls me that." Liam said softly. "I missed you, Louis." He said, reaching out and poking Louis in the stomach. Louis' hands instantly went to cover his tummy, giving Liam a pouty face.

"No poking of my fat." Louis mumbled, rubbing his tummy. Liam rolled his eyes.

"Oh, please. You don't have any fat." Liam assured him. It was so Liam-like to do that, to assure there was nothing wrong with anyone, it was so familiar that Louis couldn't help but smile at him.

"I missed you too, Liam."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I love reading your comments :) and please leave kudos if you think it's worth it! Thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 8

"This summer is going to be ace." Zayn informed the other four boys while they waited for their food to arrive. They were sat in a local diner that they always used to eat at. Louis supposed they still ate here, it was only him that used to eat here. They sat in a booth with Zayn, Harry and Niall squished in on one side and Liam and Louis sitting comfortably on the other. Louis was looking around at the diner, seeing it really hadn't changed a bit. It still had the old beat up chairs and tables, the red booths still had rips in them, if not more, but Louis loved it all the same. It was a piece of home and Louis wouldn't change it even if he could.

"Yeah, we'll actually be able to score some beer without begging people to buy it for us." Niall said, grinning at Zayn. Zayn snorted.

"Who said you wouldn't have to beg? I want you on your knees, Horan." Zayn replied. Niall cocked an eyebrow at him, a small smirk spreading across his lips.

"Didn't know you swung that way, Malik." Niall commented, looking quite smug. The rest of the boys laughed, save for Louis because all though the joke was funny, he wasn't a snob and could appreciate a good gay joke, he just couldn't risk giving himself away and talking about stuff like that made him feel like he was in a spotlight with a sign hanging around his neck.

"Oh, piss off." Zayn grumbled, reaching over Harry to flick Niall on the forehead. It was Niall's turn to snort.

"And Lou's here, which makes it so much better." Harry said excitedly, grinning at Louis. Louis smiled back, then turned his smile on the rest of the boys.

"I'm glad I came back. Uni's been killing me, it's good to get a break." Louis explained.

"Is it really that bad? No breaks at all?" Niall asked.

"It's just- It's a lot of studying." Louis shrugged. He wasn't lying, it did involve a lot of studying but maybe not so much so you couldn't visit your family for two years.

"Really? My brother Greg says it's a lot of parties and hooking up with girls." Niall snorted. "But he's never been one for school... Just going to please Mum and Dad." Louis smiled nervously.

"Yeah, well... It also depends on what you're studying and how many classes you have." Louis shrugged, wanting to change the subject before it go onto topics he didn't want to talk about. "What should we do to kick off the summer?" Louis asked quickly, making the boys move on.

"We were going to go down the beach tonight, take some beer and maybe go night swimming." Harry said." You're going to come right?"

"Yeah, sounds fun." Louis agreed. Their food came shortly after that and Louis quickly learned that although the boy looked small, Niall could sure eat. Louis wasn't sure where it all went but he ate not only his own meal, but he finished off Louis' chips when he got full, stole half of Zayn's sandwich and ordered desert. How he wasn't bigger, Louis had no idea. Once they were all done, they agreed to meet up in an hour to head to the beach which was a half an hour drive so by the time they get there the sun would be setting and it would be just perfect to go night swimming. Louis and Harry walked home since it wasn't too far, assuring Liam that they could handle the ten minute walk and that he could pick them up to go to the beach if he really wanted.

"I'm glad you're here, Lou." Harry said on their short walk, bumping his shoulder with Louis'. Louis smiled but still couldn't help but feel bad.

"Was it really that bad without me?" Louis teased but apparently this wasn't a joke to Harry.

"It's just a lot funner with you here. You make everyone laugh and everyone loves you." Harry complimented him but Louis didn't do well with compliments. He didn't understand how somehow could think that about him.

"I don't think 'funner' is a word." He said instead of replying to his compliments. Harry rolled his eyes and shoved Louis to the side, causing Louis to stumble slightly but he quickly regained his balance.

"Seriously. The guys are happy too, even Niall's been saying he likes you and wants to hang out with you more." Harry said.

"Yeah? I like him too, he laughs at everything I say... even when I'm not trying to be funny." Louis chuckled as the approached their home. Harry chuckled as well, slinging and arm over Louis' shoulder.

"Yeah, that's Niall. Just wait till you see him with some kind of alcohol in him. The bloke doesn't shut up." Harry warned.

"He doesn't shut up now." Louis frowned.

"Exactly... Just imagine him now, only times seven."

"Seven? That's a pretty specific number." Louis stated, Harry ignored him.

"It's good though, he's a very friendly drunk. He likes to tell people how much he loves them, even if he's just met them. It's a good ego booster." Harry chuckled as he held the door open for Louis to walk in, shutting it behind them. Inside was a mess. It looked like the house had been broken into and someone was looking for something but Louis knew Anne's been home all day so he highly doubted anyone broke in. There were boxes piled along the side, clothes on the ground that had been pulled from a closet and thrown on the ground, a step ladder set up in front of the coat closet and a noise coming from inside of Robin's office.

"Mum?" Harry called out, his voice echoing Louis' confusion.

"In here!" Anne called out, her voice coming from Robin's office as well. Harry and Louis exchanged a look of confusion before Louis shrugged and followed her voice into the office. Inside the office, Robin's desk sat, all organized unlike the rest of the room that resembled the rest of the house. Anne stood on a step stool, pulling on a box that was too high for her to reach easily. Harry hurried over, grabbing the box without even using the step stool and pulled it down for her. She smiled gratefully at him and took the box from him, setting in on the desk.

"What's going on?" Louis questioned, eyeing the mess.

"Oh, well I was just looking for something and then I realised how much junk we have and decided to get rid of some of it." Anne explained, digging into the box. There was something wrong with her voice, like she was trying to hide something from them. Harry and Louis both exchanged a concerned look, they both knew that when their mother was upset, she cleaned.

"Everything okay, mum?" Harry asked. Anne nodded, still not looking up from the box.

"Everything's fine. Just can't find what I'm looking for." Anne explained.

"Can we help? What are you looking for?" Louis asked, stepping more into the room and looking around even though he had no idea what he was looking for.

"Oh, no. It's fine, you go spend time with your friends; I've got to clean this all out anyway." She said, sparring a glance up at Louis before returning to the box.

"Mum-"

"Boys, honestly, go have fun." She insisted. They shared another look, knowing it was pointless to try and argue any further.

"Okay, well, Liam is picking us up in an hour... let us know if you need any help." Harry said as he backed away from her, heading for the door. Louis followed.

"Thank you, I love you boys." She said, looking up at them again and looking them each in the eye.

"Love you too." They both replied immediately as they left. There was something wrong. There was definitely something wrong, Louis could tell and he could tell Harry knew as well. He just didn't know what. The two boys silently climbed the stairs to Harry's room together, Louis flopping on the bed when they got their and Harry flopping down beside him. Harry's room looked like any other teenager's room. A bed against the wall in the middle, a desk on the far wall that had his school bag hanging from the office chair there, and a TV on the opposite wall of his bed, facing the bed so he could watch while laying down. There were band posters lining the walls along with school awards and sports medals, most of them being the award for 'most improved' or 'hardest working' because Harry really wasn't very co-ordinated and tended to fall a lot but that didn't stop him from trying.

"What do you think happened?" Harry asked, finally breaking the silence.

"I don’t' know. She'd tell us if someone died, right?" Louis asked. Harry nodded.

"Could be nothing... She really could be just tired of all the junk." Harry said with a sigh. Louis nodded but he had a feeling that wasn't it. He let it drop though, Anne would tell them if it concerned them, so it must not have to do with them and they shouldn't try to pry if she didn't want to tell them.

"Yeah, you guys got messy while I was gone." Louis teased. Harry sat up at this, looking at Louis in disbelief.

"Oh? We're messy?" Harry challenged. "You're the one that had a new species of mold growing under his bed." Harry reminded him.

"Oh, whatever... It was just regular mold, nothing special." Louis grinned up at him as Harry rolled his eyes.

"Oh, cause that makes it so much better." Harry mumbled.

 

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"Come on, Payne! We're going to get there tomorrow at this rate!" Niall called from the bed of Liam's truck. The back window was open to allow them to speak to each other since they couldn't all fit into the truck. Niall, Harry and Louis sat in the bed of the truck, the wind whipping at their hair and making a right mess of it while Liam and Zayn sat comfortably inside.

"I don't want to hit a bump and have one of you go flying!" Liam called back. Niall snorted and turned around, shaking his head and settling back down in the corner. They were on their way to the beach, having already stopped to pick up some beer that sat safely with Liam and Zayn inside the truck. Of course the boys ducked whenever they saw a police car because there was no way this was legal but they had only seen one so far and they were nearly there.

"Don't worry about us, Payno, just get there tonight!" Louis called, grinning at Niall who grinned right back

"I'd rather get there with you in one piece." Liam mumbled back but it was difficult to hear with the wind.

"Shut it, he's doing fine." Zayn defended, turning around to look at the three boys. "Early morning swimming could be fun too." Zayn teased, earning a side glare from Liam and cackle from Niall.

"Aw, leave Lili alone." Harry said, pouting dramatically. "You'll just distract him and we'll never get there." Harry grinned. Liam raised his hand, one long finger sticking up at Harry that only caused the whole truck to burst out in laughter. It was hilarious seeing Liam flip someone off. He's definitely changed over the years. He wasn't afraid to fight back now.

Slowly but surely the boys made it to the beach, parking the truck by a tree ad hoping out. Niall grabbed the beer while the others grabbed the couple bags they packed with towels and a few snacks. Together they made their way to the beach to a more secluded part even though it was now late enough that everyone had already left. They trudged through the sand, Niall running ahead, or at least trying to while holding two cases of beer in his hands. When they reached an area a little ways away from the shore they set up the area, laying out towels and cracking open some beers. Liam didn't take one, claiming someone had to drive back so no one could really argue with that but Louis knew, and he assumed everyone else knew as well, that Liam just didn't like to drink.

"Who's up to getting in the water?" Liam asked, standing up from the towels they laid out.

"I'm in!" Niall shouted, already having finished his second beer.

"I'm not getting my hair wet." Zayn mumbled, tipping his back and swallowing from his beer.

"You came all the way to the beach to not get wet?" Harry asked curiously, standing as well and pulling his shirt over his head. Zayn shrugged, seeming not to care about the logic behind that, or lack thereof.

"Lou?" Liam asked hopefully.

"Uh, I'm good. I'll keep Zayn company. The water is probably freezing." Louis explained. Niall and Harry had already rid themselves of their shirts and jeans, leaving their boxers on and were making their way to the water.

"Aw, come on. We came all the way here." Liam pouted, pulling his puppy dog eyes out and sending them right to Louis. Louis groaned, he knew how lethal those things were.

"Li, it's going to be cold." Louis whined, trying to swat away Liam's hand as he tried to grab Louis' and pull him to his feet. He didn't succeed very well because now he was standing face to face with Liam.

"Please?" Liam asked.

"No." Louis said stubbornly. Liam gave him a look, kicking the puppy eyes up a notch so Louis had to shut his. "Liam, maybe later when I'm drunk and don't care how cold it- Hey!" Liam had bent down, wrapping his arms around Louis' legs and lifted him so Louis was now hanging over his shoulder. "Liam! No! Put me down!" Louis yelled.

"Nope, you're coming in." Liam said, walking towards the water. Louis could hear Zayn laughing at him though he couldn't see him. The only thing he could see was Liam's ass and Louis tried desperately to find something else to look at but it was pretty hard, both because he didn't have to upper body strength to lift himself like that and because it was a pretty nice ass.

"Liam, I swear to god, if you don't put me down I'll-"

"You'll what, Lou?" Liam said and he could hear the grin in voice.

"I don't know but you won't like it!" Louis said. He could now see water at Liam's feet, the waves lapping at them. His feet disappeared the deeper he went, the water getting deep enough so his shorts were now half submerged under water. "Liam, seriously, no!" Louis couldn't believe this was Liam, Liam would never do this. He's changed so much and Louis knew it was because he's been spending too much time with Harry and Zayn, probably Niall too if the stories he's heard were true. "Put me down, you - you gorilla!"

"Did you just call me a gorilla?" Liam asked, stopping in the water.

"Yes, you're too damn strong for your own good." Louis heard Liam chuckle and then felt his hands sliding up from where they held his legs to his hips and Louis knew this wasn't going to end in his favour. "Liam, plea-" Louis was tossed into the water.

The water wasn't as cold as Louis had predicted but it was still a shock from the warmth he had previously been feeling. Thankfully Louis had left his phone in the truck because he didn't want to get sand in it otherwise this would have been a lot more upsetting. Louis was quick to stand up again but not in time before he was fully submerged in the water, soaking him from head to toe. When he resurfaced he heard cackles from every direction, behind him from where Harry and Niall were, beside him from where Liam stood and in front of him where Zayn was rolling around in the sand, clutching his stomach.

"You will pay for that." Louis grumbled but Liam was already heading out of the water. "What? Where are you going? You throw me in the water and leave?" Liam started fiddling with the button on his shorts and soon they were falling to his feet on the sand and - oh. Liam pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it to the side and made his way back into the water. Louis might as well of stayed underwater because he felt like he couldn't breathe anyway. When Louis first saw Liam come out of the bathroom the first day he came back he was surprised and very pleased with who Liam had turned into. Now, seeing him nearly naked, jogging into the water took his breath away. Liam had a defined chest with a growing six-pack, his arms were nicely toned and that's all Louis could see in the faint light the moon offered but that's all he needed, or could handle even because he was fairly certain anymore and his brain might short-circuit.

"What are you going to do about it?" Liam asked, grinning at Louis as he approached but Louis wasn't capable of speech right now. "Hmm?" Liam encouraged and frowned when all Louis could do was stare. "Lou? Are you okay? I didn't hurt you did I? Lou?"

"Hmm, what? No! No, I'm fine." Louis said quickly but Liam continued to frown at him, probably worried that Louis was pissed at him now. "Just pissed that I now have to ride home in soaking wet clothes." Louis glared playfully at Liam trying to make sure he knew he wasn't really mad while simultaneously trying not to stare at the god-like body standing in front of him.

"You could go take them off and they might be somewhat dry by the time we leave." Liam offered shyly, ducking his head. Louis figured he was still worried about Louis' possible anger.

"Yeah, okay." Louis mumbled and trudged out of the water, stomping up to a still laughing Zayn. "Shut it." He grumbled and he fiddled with the button on his own shorts. Louis glanced out at the water again, only seeing three figures mucking about in the water. He was only able to tell them apart from Harry's height, Liam's bulkiness and Niall's thinness. He was a little self-conscious about taking off his clothes in front of them, well... if he were honest it was Liam he was nervous about. He had that professional athlete look to him and did things to Louis he wasn't willing to address at the moment because this was Liam and Louis had this tiny frame and pudgy tummy and it was just a bit intimidating.

"You okay?" Zayn asked, cutting his laughter off as he noticed Louis' shaking fingers trying to get his shorts down.

"That water is freezing." Louis answered quickly.

"Just stay here." Zayn said with a shrug. Louis chuckled, finally getting his shorts down and kicking them off, then laying them out.

"He'll just come for me again." Louis muttered, because although he put up a fight he didn't want to miss out on this, he was already having fun. Zayn snorted and took a swig of his beer, silently agreeing with him. "Why did he not throw you in?" Louis asked grumpily, starting on his shirt.

"Cause he knows I'll kill him." Zayn said immediately.

"What, and I won't?"

"We all know you wouldn't even think about harming him." Zayn said almost as quickly. Louis frowned, mostly because of Zayn's comment but also because getting a wet shirt over your head was incredibly difficult. "You've always been very protective of him." Zayn said as if reading Louis' thoughts and really, Louis couldn't argue with that. He kind of has.

It was a bit odd. You'd think after the bullying Louis had endured when Anne had first adopted him that Liam would be protective over him but that's not how it turned out. Louis had gained more confidence after he actually obtained a family, when he knew he had people who actually wanted him and he started to come out of his shell a bit. Somewhere along the way, Liam had started to shut down and Louis began to notice and started questioning the boy. Liam of course brushed Louis off and said it was nothing but Louis knew better than that.

When he found out that Liam had actually been getting bullied he sort of took it upon himself to return the favour and protect Liam. Granted, he didn't beg Liam to tell someone; that was more Liam's style. Instead he threatened to beat the shit out of the kids bothering Liam, and almost did but a teacher stepped in and resolved the whole thing. Resolving the issue meant Louis got suspended for a week and the other kids got detention every day after school for just as long which Louis thought was totally unfair, but the teacher hadn't caught them threatening to shove one of their heads up the other's ass. It's not like he actually meant it, that's pretty impossible, but he was still punished all the same. Ever since Liam had followed Louis around, apparently seeing Louis as a permanent protector or something, and Louis didn't find that he minded.

"Yeah, well, now I think my bigger concern is the fact that he could probably throw me in the water from here if I tried." Louis grumbled, still struggling with getting his shirt off. Liam obviously didn't need Louis protecting him anymore. Zayn snorted, and sipped his beer again.

"Yeah, he's gotten quite big, huh?" Zayn commented. Louis glanced over his shoulder, wiggling his elbows to get the shirt that was sticking to his body to move, to see Liam's figure facing them. Louis smiled at him in case he could see them, letting him know he had nothing to worry about and that they weren't planning some big scheme to get back at him for carrying Louis into the water, though Louis should really consider it. "He took up boxing when you left, surprised us all." Louis had successfully got the shirt past his shoulders but it got stuck again and now he was standing there with his arms over his head, unable to move them.

"He boxes?" Louis questioned as he felt finger tips slip under the shirt and then Zayn was helping him pull it off his head, laughing to himself as he nodded at Louis' question.

"You better get back in there before he comes for you." Zayn teased, taking Louis' shirt and laying it out for him. Louis groaned and slowly made his way back to the water where he was welcomed with shouts of joy and Harry jumping on his back and pulling them both under water.

Swimming was fun, the boys played a short game of water tag but quickly got bored since they were no longer ten years old and switched it over to just wrestling in the water, seeing who could pull the other under first. Louis' main goal was to get Liam under water since he was the biggest but he wasn't succeeding very well. Whenever Louis would pull on his arm Liam would just pull Louis towards him and dunk him. When Louis jumped on him, he would either fling Louis off on dunk them both underwater. He was going to need to recruit someone to help.

"Hey, Niall." Louis called as the group decided to take a breather, Harry sprawling out on the water and floating around and Liam playing with some sand he had brought up from the bottom. Louis motioned him over, keeping his eyes on Liam to make sure he didn't see the boys plotting against him. "I'm going to jump on Liam, I need you to like... hold his legs or something so he can't fight back." Louis whispered. Niall grinned and slowly made his way over behind Liam. Niall gave Louis a quick look then ducked under water as Louis got ready to jump. Louis knew Niall had a hold of Liam's legs when his head snapped up in confusion then back down to see what was going on. Louis took the chance to lunge himself at Liam, wrapping his legs around his waist and his arms around his neck as Liam stumbled, tripping over Niall and they both went under water.

There was a lot of limbs flailing and water rushing but somehow Louis made it up again before Liam and got to see Liam jump up from the water, spluttering and gasping for air. His eyes met Louis' and Louis couldn't help but grin at him, happy with victory.

"You cheated!" Liam called and dove for Louis. Being in water made it difficult to run so Liam got to him easily enough, grabbing him around the waist and picking him up. Louis let out an involuntary squeal, something he tried to play off by just being more dramatic and screaming some more. He started flailing around, making it difficult for Liam to keep his hold on him but he did manage. He was carrying Louis back to shore, why Louis had no idea but he didn't really want to find out, but before they could make it there Louis' flailing caused Liam to trip and they both went tumbling to the ground in the shallow water. The water didn't even cover Louis' body as he got squished between the sand and Liam, it covered his legs but got shallower as it went up his body, leaving his waist and up exposed. He felt more than heard Liam laughing since he was lying on top of Louis and he couldn't help but join in, lifting himself up on his elbows but not able to move much more than that since Liam prevented that.

"Oops." Liam mumbled, lifting his head and looking Louis in the eye. Louis' laughter died off slowly as he looked at Liam. His eyes just looked so brown and deep, like Louis could dive in and get lost for days, and they shone with a silent laughter as Liam's own laughter was dying off as well as they continued to stare at each other, it was hard to pull his own away. Louis felt like he couldn't breathe again, and not only because Liam might be squishing him, not that Louis actually minded that, but because of this feeling inside him. It took his breath away, making his stomach flutter and his heart skip and what was he doing? This was Liam. He shouldn't be feeling this when he looks at Liam. Liam was his friend, has been since he was thirteen, he shouldn't get that kind of reaction from him. It was one thing to think he was fit when he took his shirt off, who wouldn't? But this was different. This feeling was more than just physical attraction, it was more than muscles and tanned skin. He wasn't sure what to call it exactly but he knew it wasn't something he should be allowing at all.

"What, did you break him, Li?" Niall's voice brought Louis back to the water, to the sand and the moon shining above and out of Liam's brown eyes starring right back at his own. Louis shook his head, looking over Liam's shoulder where Niall and Harry stood watching them.

"Sorry," Liam mumbled and picked himself off Louis and stood, holding out a hand to help Louis to his feet. Louis took it, standing and dusting himself off even though he was soaked and he couldn't really 'dust' anything. Really, he just needed an excuse to not look at Liam so he could get himself under control. "Sorry." Liam repeated.

"It’s okay, my fault really." Louis assured, clearing his throat. He felt weird, his heart wouldn't calm down and his mind couldn't form much more to say without the words getting scrambled. He was nervous, he realized. Had Liam seen what Louis felt? Did Louis' expression give him away? "I'm just going to- Um, I'm going to go sit with Zayn." Louis managed as he backed away. He didn't know if Liam noticed or not but he knew he would notice eventually if Louis couldn't get himself under control and that just wasn't going to happen with Liam around. Liam nodded, seeming confused himself, probably because Louis wasn't acting as normal as he would like to think he was and was basically fleeing the scene.

Zayn didn't question him when he sat down beside him. Instead he handed him a beer and left Louis to his thoughts. It wasn't surprising, Zayn wasn't the type to pry. Zayn thought if there was something someone wanted to tell him, they would. He didn't think prying was very nice, bless him. Louis wasn't sure if he couldn't explain himself anyway.

He wasn't sure of what happened there or if anything had happened there. It had happened so fast, maybe he imagined it? It's quite possible, though Louis knew deep down he hadn't imagined it. He knew deep down exactly what it was that he felt and it scared him. There was no way he could fall for Liam. Liam was one of his best friends... one of his only true friends, how could he even consider him like that? Why couldn't he be a normal boy? Why did he have to be attracted to boys? This always happened. He'd make a good friend and then he'd develop feelings for them and it'd mess everything up. It was horrible. Only this time it was worse. Liam was one of his oldest friends, he was Harry's best friend, Anne was practically like a second mother to him; he couldn't do this with Liam. It'd screw everything up even more and then everyone would find out what he was and who knew what would happen then.

He refused to let himself feel this way, not with Liam. He couldn't do this to Liam, it wasn't fair to put him through this. Louis would just have to get himself under control, he would have to learn to control this, for everyone's sake.

The rest of the boys eventually made their way out of the water, coming to join Louis and Zayn on the towels and cracking open another beer each. Liam took a seat by Louis and he was afraid it'd be awkward, he was afraid Liam might have already figured it out but it didn't appear as though he did. He seemed back to normal, forgetting about what happened earlier and just talked with the boys like he would any other the time. The boys joked around and laughed, making it easier for Louis to forget as well and just get back to normal but he still couldn't help looking at Liam differently now. If Louis thought about, he really wasn't looking at him that differently. If he was honest with himself he supposed he always looked at Liam a bit differently than the rest of the boys.

He always found the way Liam's eyes would crinkle at the corners when he smiled adorable. He's always loved the way Liam would frown when he didn't get a joke because he was too nice or innocent to think that way. He always found it intriguing when Liam would start in on a lecture on whatever topic was being discussed. He's always thought his laugh was something he could listen to all day and he knows he's always worked a little harder to make him laugh just so he could hear it more. He knows all this, he's just never realized it before and never realized what it meant. But he knew now, boy did he know now and he knew it had to stop. He knew he couldn't have what he wanted, he's known this for a while. He knew one day he would most likely meet someone he loved and couldn't have, he just hadn't realized he had already met him. But now he knew so he could stop himself before it got worse and ruined everything.

Eventually the boys piled back into the truck, Louis's clothes still a little damp but dried by the time they got home from all the wind. Louis and Harry were the first to be dropped off, a promise of the boys coming over the next day being exchanged and then they were headed inside. The house at least was back to a some-what normal state. There were still some boxes lined up along the wall but Louis presumed that was the stuff Anne had planned on getting rid of. Harry and Louis silently made their way to their rooms, Harry seeming tired from the night's events but Louis wide awake from his revelation.

"Louis?" Anne called, her voice coming from in his bedroom. Harry gave him a puzzled look but Louis just shrugged him off and promised to let him in on whatever Anne wanted tomorrow. Harry seemed too tired to argue.

"Goodnight." Harry mumbled and then he was shuffling into his own bedroom. Louis made his way into his room, surprised to see both Anne and Robin sitting on his bed. Anne's face was wet, like she had been crying and Robin's face showed his nerves. What was going on?

"What's going on?" Louis asked. Anne patted the spot beside her on the bed, signalling for him to take a seat, so he did.

"Louis, honey, you know we love you, right?" Anne asked. Louis swallowed, suddenly not having the greatest feeling about this.

"Yeah..." Louis answered cautiously. Anne and Robin both shared a look before Anne reached inside of her sweater and pulled out an envelope. The envelope looked old and worn with nothing written on the outside and it shook as Anne handed it to him, her own hands causing the shaking. "What is this?" Louis asked as he accepted the envelope, turning it over to double check that there was no writing.

"It's a letter, baby." Anne said, her voice shaking. "The orphanage gave it to us when we adopted you." Anne explained. Louis looked up at the mention of the orphanage because they hardly ever talked about it. "It's from your biological mother."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! and please leave kudos if you think it's worth it! :) Thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter 9

Louis sat on the edge of his childhood bed with his eyes locked on the envelope in his hands. He only stared at it because he didn't know what to do with it. He didn't know why Anne and Robin had given it to him. He didn't know why he was dwelling on it either. It was just a letter. Supposedly a letter from his biological mother that's he's never even seen before, but still, just a letter. Obviously he should open it, he should read it and try to make sense of it but he couldn't. There was something stopping him. What, he did not know, but there it was inside him, preventing his finger from tearing open the envelope and seeing what was inside.

It was just, he's never wondered about his biological mother. Not really. Sure, for a while he wondered why he was dropped off at orphanage in the first place but he's never actually wondered about what his mother looked like or what kind of person she was. Although he hasn't got a lot of faith in someone who was able to leave their kid on the steps of an orphanage. He hasn't given her a lot of thought because he figured it was pointless. It was pointless to sit there and daydream about something that wouldn't happen, about someone who obviously didn't want him and nothing good would come of it.

Thinking about it would only cause him to do just that. Think about it. And he didn't want to. He didn't want to think about why his mother abandoned him. He didn't want to think about how he was probably some mistake that happened in the washroom of a club or in the back seat of a car. He didn't want to think about how his mother could just leave him on the steps like that in the cold. He didn't want to think about it because it hurt. It hurt way too much to think about everyone who ever told him that they didn't want him, that nobody ever would want him because he was a freak and that they were right. They had to be right. If they weren't, why would his own mother leave him like that? So, no, he didn't want to think about it.

But sitting there, the letter in his hands, he was forced to think about it. All the questions plaguing his mind, all the hurtful words ever thrown at him being remembered like a punch to the gut. He's done well over the years in shoving those questions and memories down where they couldn't claw their way back up. Pretending to be okay, that nothing was bothering him and that there was nothing wrong with him, that he wasn't hiding a huge secret about him or that he was really an insecure little kid at heart that feared he would inevitably be rejected, even by his family. He had gotten good at it, almost believed it himself at times, but this letter has ruined that.

He couldn't help the feelings washing over him, the tears threatening his eyes or the shaking of his body. He had no idea how long he had been sitting there, but he didn't really care. He was too exhausted to care. He'd been up most of the night, tossing and turning, unable to really go to sleep. He couldn't keep his eyes off the letter, a curiosity burning within him unlike anything he's ever felt but also a fear too strong to overcome and open it.

What if he opens it, reads it and finds that his fears were true. That he was a mistake, that his mother really didn't want him and didn't care about him. What if it's somehow worse, like she just wrote the letter to remind him that nobody would want him. He doubted someone would write that about an infant but then again, maybe she saw what all those other families saw in him and just knew what he was. He didn't know how she would see that in a baby no more than a day old but his mind wasn't exactly thinking clearly at the moment. What if it was the complete opposite? What if there was a reason she had to give him up and that she did want him but couldn't keep him? And he would have just spent the past however long thinking poorly of her. That didn't make him feel any better.

"Lou?" A voice pulled him from the envelope, completely taken off guard and forgetting that he probably looked like he was on the brink of a breakdown. Liam stood in the doorway to his room, his hand resting on the frame as he looked at Louis with concern. When Louis looked up, his eyes widened and Liam rushed to his side, looking ready to knock out anyone who dared threatened Louis in anyway. That's just how their relationship worked, both of them ready to protect the other from anything. "What's wrong?"

"N-nothing." Louis croaked out, clearing his throat when he realized how horrid he sounded.

"Now we both that's not true." Liam replied, sliding his hand up Louis' arm and squeezing his shoulder slightly. Louis leaned into the touch subconsciously, wondering what Liam was even doing here then remembered that they all had plans today and that the rest of the boys were probably down stairs. Louis sighed and stood, slipping the envelope into the drawer of his nightstand. He knew he wasn't being very subtle but he also knew Liam wouldn't _make_ him do anything.

"I'm fine, let's get going." Louis said, his back to Liam as he wiped at his eyes. There was a pause, a decision being made in Liam's mind on whether or not to keep prying. Louis prayed he would let it go, the orphanage and Louis' childhood was not something he talked about with anyone, not Harry, not Zayn, not Liam, no one.

"You'll probably want to get changed. We were thinking about going to the mall." Liam finally said, letting the issue drop, sort of, as he stood up. "I'm here if you need, Lou. Always." Liam said, his words seeming so cliché but so real at the same time, and Louis could feel the truth behind them. "I'll let them know you'll be down in a few." Liam called over his shoulder as he left.

Louis nodded again even though he knew Liam had left the room, his eyes locked on the closed drawer of his night stand. He really wanted to know why his mother left him that letter but he was too afraid to open it. Both feelings were just as strong and he found it difficult to move away from the drawer. It was the laughter coming from downstairs, Niall's no doubt, that had him changing from his pajamas that he hadn't realized he was still in until Liam said so and into some skinny jeans and a t-shirt he plucked from his closet, one he hasn't worn in years. He stopped himself from looking at the drawer because he wasn't sure if he could actually leave if he were to look at it again.

When Louis got downstairs he walked into the kitchen to see the four boys waiting for him. Harry was perched on the counter by the sink, his long legs dangling over the edge as he swung them and knocked them into the cupboards below. Louis was certain Anne would have smacked him over the head for it if she were here. Liam stood a couple feet away from him, leaning back against the counter with his arms folded over his chest. Louis could tell he was thinking deeply about something, most likely about what had been bothering Louis. Niall and Zayn sat at the table on the tall chairs that surrounded it, Niall tipping the chair forward on it's front two legs as he leaned forward onto the table and Zayn sitting rather low in his with his feet up on the table. Again, Anne would have smacked him upside the head for that.

"Good morning, sleeping beauty!" Harry called from the counter as Louis entered the kitchen. Louis smiled lazily at him, trying to make it seem like he hadn't been up for hours already, staring at an envelope.

"Morning, lads." Louis mumbled as he made his way to the fridge to get a drink, well aware of Liam's brown eyes watching him with concern. When Louis had his drink he went to stand between Harry and Liam, subtly squeezing Liam's arm on the way by to let him know everything was okay but it didn't seem to calm him any. "What's the plan for today?" Louis asked.

"We were going to go down to the mall and just look around, maybe buy a new video game to play tonight." Zayn explained. Louis nodded, trying desperately to ignore the brown eyes staring at him but it just wasn't working. He needed Liam to lay off, he understood he was concerned but Louis could handle this and he was fine.

"Okay, let's go." Louis said and pushed himself off the counter.

"You don't want to eat first?" Liam asked though Louis could tell he was asking a lot more than just if he was hungry or not.

"Nah, I'm fine." Louis answered, turning to look at Liam where he met his eyes, hopefully answering Liam's unasked question.

"To the mall!" Harry cheered and hoped down off the counter and ran for the front door. Niall and Zayn took off after him and Louis was about to follow when a hand came down on his shoulder.

"Louis," Liam's voice came from behind him, soft and concerned. Louis turned around and looked up the couple inches to meet Liam's eyes. Liam's hand on his shoulder tightened as if to re-assure that Liam was in fact there. "Are you sure want to go? I can tell them you're not feeling well." Liam offered and Louis really wished he would stop. Something about the way he was looking at him, like Louis looked about ready to break down, made Louis feel like he was actually about to break down. But he couldn't. Not yet. He had to stay strong and just get through the mall.

"I'm good, Li. Really." Louis said more cheerfully than he felt. Liam continued to look at him, his eyes searching Louis' face for any doubt. Louis wanted Liam to understand that he was fine, that he didn't need to pretend to be sick or that he didn't need Liam to coddle him and talk about what was on his mind because he didn't want to talk about whatever was in the letter or the letter in general. He wished the letter just didn't even exist but at the same time... He doesn't. It was confusing and scary and he just didn't want to deal with it right now. The mall might be a good distraction.

Something changed in Liam's features, his concern softened briefly, his eyes continuing to roam Louis' face as the hand on Louis' shoulder slowly slid down his arm a bit as if Liam couldn't be bothered to keep it there or remove it entirely, or like he didn't want to. Louis didn't know what Liam was thinking or what he was doing but he couldn't find it in him to ask him or step away for fear of ruining this little moment. It was nice, just standing here with Liam, his hand on his arm and his eyes seeming to take in every feature in Louis' face. He liked that it wasn't awkward either, it didn't feel weird to let him look at Louis like that. He liked that Liam didn't seem to want to let go, that Liam was happy to just stay here with Louis. Louis liked that, and he knew he shouldn't, he knew he was reading too much into it and that he should stop. He just couldn't though. Liam's eyes flicked down one final time before meeting Louis' again, a small frown crossing his face now.

"Sorry," Liam mumbled, removing his hand quickly, Louis tried not to frown himself. "We should go then. They're probably waiting." Liam mumbled, slipping past Louis quickly. Louis followed after him, taking a deep breath to clear his head of thoughts of both the letter and Liam because he couldn't think about the letter without someone asking him if something was wrong and he couldn't think about Liam because... Well, just because. That would only lead him down to the intersection of confusion and heartbreak and that wasn't a place he fancied visiting.

Of course, it didn't work very well. Louis was probably uncharacteristically quiet on the ride down there, or the whole trip really. No one else seemed to notice, or if they did they didn't point it out. Liam obviously noticed because he kept giving Louis wary glances, checking on him and making sure he was okay and not about to break down and that really didn't help with Louis' inappropriate thoughts because it only made Louis think about how good of a person Liam was and that lead to other areas he was not willing think about.

Louis just felt like his whole snow globe world, his perfectly planned out and well-hidden world, has been shaken and the pieces would just not settle down. It felt like somebody shook it slightly when Liam started to look like more than a friend and then somebody just went and tipped it upside down entirely when he was given that letter. He felt all out of sorts and he didn't know what to do and he couldn't help but think that maybe coming home wasn't the best idea.

At the mall Louis tried to distract himself with the boys and it kind of worked. He went with Niall to pick out a video game that they would probably end up playing later on. He went with Zayn to that hair and beauty place that you can smell from halfway across the mall and left with a mild headache from all the smells. He went with Harry and Zayn to a tattoo parlor because Harry was thinking about getting one but never actually did, apparently he didn't feel inspired enough, because all of his other tattoos, the 'hi' written on his arm or the cliché big black heart, were so inspirational. At that point Liam and Niall came and dragged Louis away, leaving the other two boys behind to gawk at tattoo designs, and brought him to a clothing store. Liam claimed that he really needed new clothes because he's been wearing the same ones for what felt like ages but Louis was certain that his mother took him clothes shopping every year before school started. Louis didn't argue however and tagged along.

"Hey, guys! What about this?" Niall asked, earning Liam and Louis' attention and coming out of the change rooms, sporting a loose muscle shirt with armholes that you could probably fit three heads through.

"Were you able to get your arms through alright? Those holes look a bit small." Louis commented, his tone filled sarcasm. Niall threw his head back and cackled, earning a look from the employee folding jeans at the other side of the store.

"Looks good, Ni." Liam commented with a smile. Niall nodded and retreated to the dressing room. "What about this, Lou?" Liam asked, holding up a light blue button up with short sleeves. Louis eyed the shirt and started giggling as he tried to imagine Liam in it.

"I don't think it really suits your... Body." Louis said, his giggles dying off and turning into an awkward clearing of his throat as he tried to talk about Liam's body like it was no big deal. But then Louis was smiling to himself again as he imagined Liam trying to pull it off, for some reason an image of the hulk transforming and ripping his clothes came to mind and Louis just lost it again.

"I was actually thinking for you..." Liam mumbled but Louis ignored him.

"Oh, you have to try it on now." Louis demanded and started pushing Liam into the change rooms. Liam had already picked out a couple other shirts along with a pair of skinny jeans that were hung over his arm.

"But- Lou, I don't think it's my size." Liam argued as Louis closed the door in between them.

"Just try it on, and I want to see it!" Louis said, grinning to himself. Louis waited patiently, leaning against the wall across from Liam's door. He could see Liam's feet through the bottom and could see he was trying on the skinny jeans as well. Niall had come out sporting some new shorts and a different tank top that Louis gave him a thumbs up to and was about to head back in but stopped when Liam's voice came through the door.

"Lou, it's too small. It looks stupid." Louis could hear the pout in his voice.

"Come out and show me." Louis said anyway, he wanted to see this. There was a loud sigh, the clicking of the lock and then the door was slowly being opened to reveal Liam standing there in his new skinny jeans and the button up shirt. Liam stepped out a bit into the open area not looking the least bit happy. The jeans fit good, there was nothing wrong with the jeans but the shirt did look a bit tight, though not as tight as Louis had imagined. The fabric stretched across Liam's chest, pulling at the buttons slightly and making it look like it wouldn't be easy to move. The sleeves looked strained as well and it looked like he was being choked by the collar. Niall threw his head back in another cackle, nearly falling over in the process but he caught himself. Louis but his lip, hard, to stop himself from laughing as well but it didn't work at all.

"I told you." Liam mumbled and went to turn around but Louis grabbed at his shoulder.

"Wait! It's- it's not so bad, right Niall?" Louis tried, looking to Niall who was visibly trying to collect himself. He succeeded for all of three seconds before keeling over and grabbing onto his stomach. Liam made to leave again but Louis wouldn't let him. "Here," Louis mumbled and undid the first three buttons so Liam didn't look like he was choking, he pulled on the shirt trying to adjust but it was tighter then it looked and wouldn't really budge. Louis took a step back for a second look but it really didn't look any different and he still had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

"It's a good look, Li." Niall commented through his laughter. Liam made an aggravated noise and started unbuttoning the shirt quickly.

"I told you it wasn't my size." Liam grumbled, taking the shirt right off and chucking it at Louis. Louis just barely managed to catch the shirt, his full attention occupied by a topless Liam. Niall continued to laugh as Liam retreated into the change room but Louis' laughter had dried right up, his mouth suddenly feeling dry and his face hot. Liam shut the door and locked it, mumbling something about how he should look into new friends while Niall slowly calmed down.

"You know you love us!" Niall called out so Liam could hear, turning to grin at Louis but Louis still stood frozen, starring at the spot Liam previously stood. Niall cleared his throat, bringing Louis out of his daze feeling a bit flustered. Liam was definitely not allowed to go shirtless anymore.

"What?" Louis asked, thinking that Niall cleared his throat for a reason but Niall only stared back at him, eyebrows raised in curiosity and a small smirk on his lips. "What?" Louis repeated, his face getting hotter. Had he been caught staring?

"Nothing'" Niall said simply then turned away to head back into the change rooms but not before Louis saw the grin on his face.

Panic shot through Louis, his heart pounding in his chest as he wondered if he had just been found out. Did Niall suspect something? Was he in there laughing at Louis? Would he tell Liam? Or Harry? Louis prayed he didn't, he couldn't have Anne and Robin finding out; he couldn't lose his family. He refused to let a ten second mistake ruin his life. He prayed Niall didn't notice.

"Can we go to the food court after this? I'm starving!" Niall said as he reappeared from the changing room in his own clothing, the clothing he wanted to buy hanging from his arm and any and all hints of amusement gone from his features. He honestly just looked hungry.

"Yeah, I could eat." Liam called back from in the changing room. Niall looked over at Louis expectantly, wanting to know if Louis was hungry or not and nothing more.

"Yeah, sure." Louis answered, relaxing immensely when he saw that Niall didn't seem to suspect anything and that his attitude and behavior towards Louis hadn't changed at all. Louis had been given a second chance and he would not mess up again.

It just... It was hard and it only got harder as the day went on. Louis would catch himself staring at Liam, not even realizing that he was and then Niall would nudge him or clear his throat and raise his eyebrows at him. Louis couldn't help it. He knows that to him, Liam has always had a special place in his heart, a different place from Harry or Zayn but he just refused to acknowledge it. He could play off the feeling of adoration when Liam would rush to help a little old lady carry her groceries to her car as friendship. He could play off the fondness when Liam didn't understand a dirty joke because he was too innocent as friendship. He could play off all those feelings as friendship and nothing more but this? This was definitely not friendship.

Friends didn't daydream about what their friend’s lips felt like. They didn't daydream about holding their hand as they walk through the mall or at the park. They didn't secretly want to fake sick so they would stay and take care of you while the others went off to do whatever and you'd be alone together. Friends didn't think about all the things they could if they were alone together, so no. This was not friendship. He couldn't ignore it anymore or pretend it was something that it wasn't. He liked Liam. Like, like liked Liam and it was horrible because to Liam their friendship was still the same, nothing had changed on his end but on Louis' end he was in a whole other ball park.

Self-control has never been Louis' strongest feat. He couldn't stop his thoughts from going there and he couldn't stop himself from sitting a little closer than normal just so he could accidentally touch Liam without it seeming like he wanted to. He couldn't stop himself from being a little touchier with Liam than he was with the other boys, not that it seemed to bother Liam too much, he didn't even seem to notice. He'd just smile that stupid smile of his and go back to whatever he had been doing. But even though it appeared Liam hadn't noticed Louis' change in demeanor, Louis did notice a slight change in Liam's. It was almost as if Liam was trying to return the affection, but Louis knew better than to get his hopes up.

Liam would throw his arm over his shoulder or rest his chin on his shoulder when they were just standing there talking with the guys. He would poke at Louis to annoy him or stroke his back when he thought Louis was being too quiet. Louis didn't pick up on it at first, he just thought that maybe... Maybe Liam wanted to do this stuff with him. That maybe, on some off chance, maybe Liam wanted to do all the things that Louis couldn't stop thinking about. He would catch himself thinking that as he leaned into Liam's touch but then would immediately scold himself for being so stupid because there was no way Liam wanted those things from Louis but then Liam would pull him into a side hug and hold him there and then it did click for Louis.

Liam wasn't doing all this because he wanted to, he was doing it because he thought there was something bothering Louis. He was just trying to make Louis feel better and show him that Liam was there for him. Which Louis was thankful for but... It still crushed what little hope he did let himself have.

"Lou, can you get me a drink?" Harry asked from the couch where he was squished between Zayn and Niall. The boys had gone back to Louis and Harry's to play the game Niall had bought and were currently in the basement all huddled around the television. Louis had gotten up from his spot beside Liam, the last available seat when he came down into the basement after the boys rushed down to get started, and Harry was apparently taking advantage of his trip up stairs.

"Me too, Lou?" Zayn asked, looking up at Louis with a sweet smile.

"I wouldn't mind one..." Niall said hopefully and Louis snorted.

"I've only got so many hands." Louis replied but he made his way up the stairs anyway. He would figure out a way. Louis had originally just wanted space, his thoughts were getting the best of him and since the game was only a two player game he had plenty of time to think. His thoughts had moved on from Liam though, sort of, because they never seemed to be truly off Liam lately, and had moved back to the letter sitting in his bedside drawer.

Questions were still burning inside of him, one after an other popping into his head. It was annoying. He's never wondered before, he was fine not knowing, he had accepted that he wouldn't know a long time ago but this letter had screwed all that up. He wanted to know now. He wanted the answers but he was also afraid. What was he supposed to do after he knows? Go find his mother? Try to contact her and try to have a relationship? If she even wanted one? Did Louis want one? He didn't know. What would Anne and Robin think if he tried to find her? Would they think he didn't love them? Because that would be ridiculous, he'd always love them and there wasn't a thing in the world that could change that, even his apparent mother.

Louis really wanted to go upstairs to his room and open the letter but he knew the boys were waiting and he knew he'd probably only end up staring at it for another few hours, so instead he headed to the kitchen and started pouring some juice into the glasses he brought down from the cupboards.

Louis was startled when a slight pressure appeared on his shoulder, nearly making him drop the juice container he had been holding. Louis turned his head slightly to see Liam resting his chin on Louis' shoulder, grinning sheepishly up at Louis. He obviously knew he had startled Louis but again wouldn't tease him about it.

"You need to stop doing that." Louis grumbled, going back to pouring out the drinks.

"Doing what?" Liam asked, standing up straight and taking a step back.

"Scaring me."

"You've gotten a bit skittish, haven't you?" Liam asked, a slight teasing tone to his voice.

"I have not. You've just gotten sneaky." Louis replied, capping the juice again and setting it in the fridge. Liam chuckled slightly, opening a cabinet and grabbing a larger bowl that was usually used for snacks.

"Or you just space out a lot. Don't pay attention." Liam said, his voice suggesting something Louis wasn't following.

"What do you mean?"

"You just seem like you've got a lot on your mind lately..." Liam explained and Louis tried not to groan. Why did Liam have to be so observant? Why couldn't he be oblivious like the other three doorknobs downstairs? "I just... You know I'm here, right? Whatever it is... I won't judge you or make fun of you. I'll listen, I'll try to help if I can." Liam explained, looking over and meeting Louis' eyes. Again Louis tried not to groan because those stupid eyes were looking right at him, pleading for Louis to let them in and Louis was never good at standing against those eyes.

"Liam, I'm good. I promise." Louis said though even he wouldn't believe himself right now. Normally Louis wouldn't have a problem talking to Liam but Liam couldn't know about one problem and the other was hardly ever mentioned. No one ever talked about the fact the Louis was adopted. It wasn't because they didn't want to but growing up Louis would always shut down when it was brought up so they've stopped trying to talk about it. Louis didn't want to talk about it, not then and not now.

"Lou-"

"Can you bring the other two?" Louis asked as he tried to hold three drinks in two hands. He could feel Liam's eyes on him as he struggled to make this work but he refused to look up. A moment later a tray was being set beside the drinks on the counter, a wooden one that Louis remembered Harry had made in shop class in school years ago. Louis remembered Harry complaining that he'd much rather take cooking instead but that the guys would have made fun of him for it.

"I've got a bowl of crisps to bring down." Liam said, meeting Louis' eyes briefly then going back to the bowl he had taken down before. Louis quietly thanked him and loaded the drinks onto the tray and said he would see him down stairs. Louis felt bad for brushing him off, he was just trying to help but there was nothing he could do.

It went on like this for a while. Louis would spend his nights staring at the envelope, too afraid to open it but too curious to just throw it out. He wasn't getting a lot of sleep and Liam wasn't the only one beginning to notice. Everyone was starting to comment on how tired Louis looked and asking if he was alright but Louis would just brush it off, making up some excuse about not being used to his bed and they'd move on. Liam, however, wasn't buying it. He would constantly check on Louis, asking if he needed anything or if he wanted to talk. For the most part he was pretty subtle about it but sometimes he would be a bit more direct and ask Louis to open up, if not to him then just someone so he could get help. Liam's gone as far as begging Louis, pleading he just wanted to help and that he hated seeing Louis like this and that he was beginning to worry. Louis of course felt bad for putting Liam through this but it's not like he was moping around and begging for the attention.

No, Louis was as upbeat as ever, pushing through the exhaustion and ignoring everyone's comments about how he should be going back to bed. He would brush Liam off, assure him he was fine and it was just that his childhood bed wasn't as comfy as two years ago, but Liam wouldn't back down. Which was really just making matters worse because now Liam was always there, always around Louis making sure he was okay, trying to make him laugh when he couldn't get Louis to open up. He seemed to touch Louis a lot more as well, which was just distracting. If it wasn't playful pokes in the side it was soft brushes of his hand on Louis' arm or even face. Louis knew it was Liam's way of saying he was there for him, that he could trust him but Louis couldn't make himself open up.

And to make things worse whenever Liam would get touchy-feely, for some reason, Niall was always there. He was always watching from the other side of the table or room, or just happened to walk in at the right time making Louis feel like they had just been caught even though there was nothing to catch. He would always raise his eyebrows in a question but then immediately got distracted and never said anything about the actions. Louis was always trying to be extra careful around Niall, he didn't want Niall to see just how these friendly gestures, because that's all they were, affected him. He didn't want Niall to see the flush in his cheeks when Liam looked at him intensely, only trying to get Louis to open up but Louis was sure that wasn't what it looked like. He didn't want Niall to see how he maybe longed for those touches even though he knew he shouldn't be allowing himself to want them. He didn't want Niall to suspect anything out of nothing, ask Harry about it and have everything he's ever worked for crumble down around him.

He was doing good, he made up a few stories to tell the guys about a couple girls from Uni, claiming he wasn't the type to just sleep around though they didn't look like they believed that. Louis wasn't sure if he should be offended or not. He told them he had a sort of serious relationship with a girl named Jamie near the beginning of Uni which wasn't a complete lie. He did have a relationship with someone named Jamie, it just wasn't that serious and she wasn't a girl.

Anne had demanded to know why she had never heard about this girl but Louis blamed it all on 'her' saying she was afraid of going too fast. Anne had also asked about the letter one day in private and Louis had mostly told her the truth, saying he hadn't even opened it but that he didn't want to. She tried to encourage him to open it but again he sort of just shut down and the subject was dropped though he was sure not for good. It wasn't until one night that the boys had invited him along to a party that one of their former classmates was throwing that things went haywire.

It was a Saturday night... err, Sunday morning? Louis didn't know, and quite frankly he was a little too drunk to care. They were at this bloke's cabin at some lake he forgot the name of and there must have been fifty people here at least. The rooms were crowded, stuffed with people some-what dancing along to the music blasting through the cabin. Louis had lost track of the guys long ago, settling for standing in a corner, watching and waiting until he spotted one of them. He was getting impatient though, wanting to dance or play beer pong or something, anything that didn't involve mindlessly standing in a corner playing spot the curly haired kid. He had no idea what drink he was on, only that he felt good.

He hadn't thought about the letter all night, which was refreshing, and he was getting caught up in the party scene and wasn't thinking much at all about anything. He just wanted to have fun so he pushed himself away from the corner and stumbled his way through the crowd of dancing bodies and snogging couples. One of those snogging couples, he noticed, was Zayn and a blonde haired girl. Louis giggled to himself as he passed because he remembers when Zayn was a shy little shit and didn't have the guts to ask a girl for a pencil, never mind a snog.

"What are you giggling at?" Came a familiar voice, a voice that made Louis go all warm and fuzzy inside, a goofy smile crossing his lips. Louis turned to see Liam standing there looking at Louis with an amused glint in his eyes.

"Zayn used to be so shy." Louis admitted, giggling again. Liam quirked an eyebrow and glanced over at the snogging couple and apparently they weren't as far away as Louis thought because Zayn was flipping them off behind his back, his mouth still firmly attached to the blonde's. Liam chuckled slightly, an adorable sound that Louis wanted to hear again before the night ended, and grabbed Louis by the arm, pulling him down a hallway. Louis went without question because it was Liam and he would probably follow Liam anywhere.

Liam pulled Louis into a room, Louis assumed it was the laundry room since it had a washing machine and a dryer to the right of the door that Liam closed. Liam turned to Louis, his eyes seeming to inspect Louis but again, Louis didn't question it because it was Liam and Liam was great and he loved Liam and Liam could do whatever he wanted where Louis was concerned.

"How drunk are you?" Liam asked, his voice sounding amused but it was slightly hidden under the concern and disappointment.

"Pretty drunk." Louis admitted, not even slightly ashamed because he was feeling good for once and he wasn't going to let anyone mess with that. Liam nodded and just kind of stood there. Louis wanted to ask why they were in here but he didn't, he figured Liam had his reasons and even if he didn't, Louis was happy to just be around Liam.

"We should get you home, it's pretty late and your mum is going to be worried." Liam said but Louis only snorted because he really was drunk and he really wasn't thinking.

"My mum won't care, Liam. She hasn't cared for twenty years... Why would she start now?" Louis asked because it was an honest question, one he couldn't help but ask with a bit of venom as his mood suddenly dropped immensely.

"What?" Liam asked, confusion evident on his face but Louis didn't understand why. It's not like it was a complicated question. Sure Louis didn't expect Liam to have an answer but he didn't expect to have to explain himself.

"Why would my mum care about where am I when she dumped me at an orphanage with a note and nothing more?" Louis questioned and he was vaguely aware he was making a mistake at the moment but didn't know what exactly that mistake _was_. Liam's confusion only grew but now it was accompanied with concern.

"Lou... Are you talking about your biological mother?" Liam asked and really, Louis wanted to yell 'duh' at him but the word was trampled over by a sob that escaped his mouth without his permission and then Liam was holding him, his shirt soaking up sudden tears leaving Louis' eyes because he was drunk and had had enough of hiding his emotions and Liam said he would be there for him, and he was and it was all just a little too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you like it :) Or if you don't... lol I would like to know either way, I want to improve in any way I can! Thanks for reading and please leave kudos if you think it's worth it! :)


	11. Chapter 10

Louis has always been an emotional drunk, everyone knows that. Everyone knows he's more likely to declare his love for you, loudly and repeatedly. They know he's more likely to take things seriously so they like to take the piss out of him to see if he'll cry. He's been known to have a mental break down a time or two because there was no vodka left and he loves vodka. Louis thinks it's because for a very brief moment he's able to be anyone he wants to be and he can pass it off as just being drunk. He's able to be a side of him he never gets to be so his mind jumps at the chance and takes it too far and more often than not, he ends up a blubbering mess.

So he really shouldn't be surprised when he wakes up the next morning clutching onto... _something_ , his head pounding from the sunlight pouring in through his windows and his eyes cemented shut from dried tears. When he stirs he's unable to stop the groan that leaves his mouth because he's been lying in a very uncomfortable position all night and his back aches. He ignores the small chuckle that comes from above, he especially ignores the way that small chuckle sounds like music to his ears, and tries desperately to get into a semi-upright position.

"You might want to take it easy." A voice says and Louis recognizes it immediately, he could never forget that voice, but Louis only groans in response and releases his clutch on Liam's shirt. That chuckle sounds again as Louis squeezes his eyes shut and wills the room to stop spinning and the throbbing in his head to go away. He hasn't even looked at Liam yet, not sure he wants to because surely he did something embarrassing last night, but he still clears his throat and speaks without thinking.

"Please tell me you're in my bed because you were too drunk to go home last night." Louis mumbles, pressing the heel of his palm into his eye. There's a pause and Louis' heart just kind of stops because, did he really just imply that he and Liam slept together?

"I don't drink, Lou." Liam says quietly and Louis' whole body stops this time because, no, they didn't- there is no way they- "You asked me to stay last night." Liam elaborated and Louis could hear the amusement in Liam's voice.

"I would go with begged or forced myself, Li." A familiar deep voice said from somewhere off in the room, earning another small chuckle from Liam. Louis finally lifted his head, chancing a glance around the room to see Liam laying in his bed in the clothes he was wearing last night, his back pressed to the headboard and his legs outstretched in front of him. Harry was now sitting at the end of the bed having just entered the room with a glass of water and two little pills that he offered Louis. Unlike Liam, Harry had changed since last night and was in nothing but pajama pants, his tattoos on full display and Louis knew he had a lot of tattoos, he just never realized he had so _many_.

"I love you." Louis grinned at his brother as he took the glass and pills from him.

"Yeah, I know. You told me many times last night." Harry grinned. Louis shrugged before popping the pills into his mouth and swallowing a mouthful of water, it's not the worst he's heard of himself after a night of heavy drinking.

"Lou, do you remember last night?" Liam asks cautiously, the air around them growing tense and serious. Louis doesn't remember, not really. He remembers a game of beer pong against Niall that he lost but he could of swore Niall cheated at. He remembers giggling and he remembers someone flipping him off, he remembers trying to dance with a random girl that kept trying to grind against him but these memories were hazy and only came in flashes so he could honestly say no, he doesn't remember last night and that scared him.

It scared him because Liam and Harry are looking at him seriously, like there was something wrong, something they had to talk about. Louis panicked because he had no idea what he did last night. Did he say anything revealing? Did he do something that would give away his secret? He really shouldn't have drank so much, it was stupid of him. It was reckless and idiotic and all around dumb of him to do because now he would lose his family and Liam would probably never talk to him again. Harry would be disgusted with him, Gemma would never treat him the same, Anne and Robin would most definitely kick him out and cut off all ties with him. They would never look at him the same way, only with disgusted looks and hurt.

Only, they weren't. Harry wasn't looking down at him, he wasn't turning up his face at him and neither was Liam. They were regarding him with concerned looks, their faces soft and gentle. Liam looked a bit hesitant, a bit unsure of the topic about to be discussed but other than that there was nothing but concern. Maybe he hadn't done anything too bad. Maybe he shouldn't put the cart before the horse and just listen to what they had to say.

"No, not really." Louis answered slowly, his eyes shifting from face to face.

"You kind of- Well, you told me something." Liam said cautiously, sending Louis' heart and mind into another panic attack. What did he tell him? Harry shifted on the bed, leaning over Louis' leg to pull Louis' bedside table drawer out. Even though Louis' heart should be calming down because he apparently hadn't told Liam what he thought he did, his heart remained pumping at a speed that had him feeling a bit dizzy because Harry reached in and pulled out the letter he stuffed in there and never looked at again.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Harry asked, holding up the unopened letter. Louis didn't say anything. He couldn't say anything because he didn't really have an answer.

"I knew something was bothering you." Liam mumbled. "You said it was nothing, you promised you were fine." Liam added with more volume and Louis picked up on the hint of anger, more like frustration, in his voice.

"I am fine." Louis mumbled because it was the only thing he could think of to stay.

"You're not though," Liam argued, sitting up properly to look at Louis. "You were crying, Lou."

"I always cry when I'm drunk." Louis defended meekly. Liam shook his head.

"Not like this. You were sobbing, asking me why she left you. We had to leave early and take you home because you wouldn't stop." Liam explained.

"I was drunk." Louis replied. "I'm fine, it's nothing." Louis mumbled, his words feeling empty and meaningless.

"It's not nothing, Lou." Harry said, moving closer to Louis. "You never talk about her. You never have." Harry stated as if Louis didn't know this. "It's okay to talk about her. It's okay to have questions. It's okay to want to know who she is and maybe meet her-"

"No!" Louis cried, Harry's words too much for him to handle right now. He was hungover, he felt like shit, and he didn't want to deal with this, right now or at all. "No, I don't want to know. I don't care who she is. She doesn't matter, she left me. She left me so she has no right to come into my life randomly and fuck everything up. I don't care what's in that stupid letter. I don't care what she has to say, I don't care about _her_." Louis said firmly, his voice shaky. Harry and Liam shared a glance, a silent message being shared between the two friends, a message that said they didn't believe Louis one bit and honestly, Louis didn't blame them.

"Lou-" Liam started but Louis was already done with this conversation.

"No. Please leave." Louis interrupted.

"Louis, we-"

"Leave." Louis asked them to leave repeatedly, he begged them and pleaded for them to leave him alone because he can't do this. Not now, not with them, not ever. He hadn't even read the letter and it was already making his life harder than it already was. He doesn't know what he'll do if he reads it and it only confirms his fears, he might lose it. He didn't want to go down that road. He wanted things to go back to the way they were before he came home. Everything was fine then.

"We aren't going anywhere." Harry said trying to hold Louis' gaze but Louis refused. "Just open it. What's the worst that could happen?" Harry asked and Louis nearly scoffed at him.

"What's the worst that could happen?" Louis echoed, snatching the letter from Harry's hands, wanting to crumple it up and shred it to pieces but he just couldn't make himself do it. "How about I find out I was a mistake? That she never wanted me? Or how about she did want a kid but I wasn't what she was expecting?" Louis asked, his voice cracking and his eyes burning because he's never voiced these worries before.

"She could have wanted you though," Harry cut in. "But maybe she couldn't take care of you?"

"Okay, let's say that's what happened. What now? Am I supposed to track her down? Go live with her, forget about you and Gemma, Mum and Dad?" Louis asked, ignoring the way Harry flinched at his words. "Am I just supposed to forget that she dumped me on the steps of an orphanage the day I was born? Am I just supposed to forget about all the families that didn't want me? Am I supposed to forget all the nights I cried myself to sleep because she couldn't take responsibility for what she did? Fuck that. She can take her letter and sh- I don't want to read it." Louis finished, sinking back into the bed, wishing it would just swallow him up. There was another silence, the boys too shocked because Louis' never told anyone that. Not a soul, he's never even hinted at being that bothered by the situation and now he just dumped it on them so he supposed the shock was warranted.

"You don't have to do any of that, Lou." Liam said, finally breaking the silence, reaching out and brushing some of Louis' hair out of his face. "You don't even have to read the letter. It's your decision, but you had a lot of questions last night, ones that we can't answer, but this letter- It might have what you're looking for. This letter is nothing but a possible answer. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean that you have to go find her, it doesn't mean that you're a mistake because you're not." Liam said, his hand resting on Louis shoulder. "You're not a mistake because you were meant to be here, with us. It just happened in a not-so-normal way... but you've never been normal, have you?" Coming from anyone else, Louis would of probably been offended but he wasn't when Liam said it because he said with such fondness and love that Louis' tears spilled over, coating his cheeks no matter how hard he fought to keep them at bay.

"You've always been this amazing guy," Liam continued. "You're the strongest person I know, you've been through so much and you still wake up with a smile on your face every day, ready to take care of everyone else, make them laugh when they need it, listen when they ask, punch someone if they want." All three boys cracked a smile at that, Louis' small and wet, because it was true. He's gotten into more than enough fights on someone else's behalf. "You're not a mistake, no matter what this letter says, you were meant to be here, with Harry, Anne, Robin, and Gemma. You were meant to meet Zayn and I, and Niall. Without you our lives would be boring and uneventful and just wrong." Louis took a deep breath, letting it out in shaky bursts as Liam reached up to wipe at his cheeks. Normally he'd feel like an idiot for crying but he couldn't find that feeling in him with Harry and Liam looking at him the way they were.

"You can throw out the letter if you want, we just don't want you to keep going without the answers you want if it can be avoided. Just remember when you're reading it, no matter what it says, you will always have people who want you. Seven to be exact and that's just counting the people in this house right now." Liam smiled softly, wiping at Louis' cheek again because the tears were still coming strong. He knew he was loved, he knew he was wanted but it felt nice to hear it even though he felt a tiny twinge of guilt for keeping a part of his life a secret from them. "The letter could be nothing as well, could be an apology, could be telling you who she is... Hell, it could be a treasure map, you don't know. And you won't know unless you open it. Wouldn't it be nice to just _know_?" Liam asked and yeah, it would. Louis had to admit he had a point.

"Okay." Louis mumbled out quietly. "I'll read it, but only because now you've planted the idea of a treasure map in my head." He added to lighten the mood because it was getting way too serious and mushy for his liking.

"Okay, but you have to share if it is." Liam replied, wiping once more at Louis' cheeks and this time they remained dry. As Louis took a deep breath, preparing to open the letter he noticed Harry and Liam sharing another look but they didn't appear to be agreeing on anything. Harry's face was smug and all-knowing while Liam looked a bit flustered and awkward.

"What?" Louis asked, curious as to what he missed and only partially stalling.

"Nothing." Liam said quickly.

"Nothing at all." Harry said in a voice that suggested it was something but Louis didn't get a chance to question it. "Well, we'll leave you to it then. Zayn and Niall are downstairs, crashed here last night, should go get their lazy arses up." Harry said and they both started to get up but Louis reached out to the closest wrist, which just so happened to be Liam, and pulled.

"No, please. Don't- I mean... I don' want to be alone." Louis admitted, looking into his lap. There was a pause and Louis could feel his cheeks heating up but then he felt Liam settle back on the bed, right next to Louis.

"Do you mean just him? Am I supposed to leave still?" Harry asked from beside the bed, a small smirk making it's way to his lips. "I don't want to... intrude on-"

"Sit down." Liam said quickly. "Please, sit down." Harry snickered to himself and Louis didn't even bother to question why they were being so weird because he's learned to just go with it. Louis took another deep breath as Harry settled himself down on Louis' other side, resting his head on Louis' shoulder and wrapping his arms around his torso. He was so focused on the letter in front of him, his shaky fingers carefully peeling open the letter, he didn't notice yet another look shared between the two other boys, Harry's mischievous and Liam trying to look menacing.

"Okay." Louis breathed out, the envelope opening easily since the glue sealing it shut was old and barley holding on. Louis slipped his fingers inside and pulled out the single piece of paper inside, the paper old and crinkly.

"We're right here." Liam assured when Louis paused.

"We're not going anywhere." Harry added, squeezing Louis a bit tighter. Louis nodded once before opening the paper, his eyes going over the hand written words, the writing looking hastily written though somehow still neater than his own printing.

**_ December 24th, 1991 _ **

_ Hello, I'm not sure what I should be writing here but I felt I owed you an explanation. I don't expect you to forgive me, I don't expect you to even care but I felt that maybe if you had some questions, this would help you. _

_ My name is Johannah Poulston, right now I'm fifteen years old, almost sixteen and that is really the main reason I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm not old enough to take care of another living being, I don't have the funds or even a place to raise you. I don't even know where I'll be sleeping tonight and that isn't a suitable life for a baby. I'm a teenager who made a mistake and now has to pay the price. I want to keep you, I really do but I just can't. This is what's best for you. You deserve a family that's going to be able to take care of you and love you like you deserve, not a little girl that can't even take care of herself. _

_ I don't expect you to try and find me, to be honest I don't even know if I'll still be alive by the time you get this letter, or if I am, I don't know if I'll be at an address to even come looking for. I wish I could meet you but I know that's probably not going to happen, even if you do find it in your heart to forgive me. _

_ I'm looking at you right now as I'm writing this, you're just lying there, sleeping. I know I'm going to miss you, I know you'll be in my thoughts every day from here on out and I want nothing but the best for you. I hope a nice family sees what a special boy you are, I hope a nice mother adopts you and loves you. I hope you'll have a nice father to teach you about life and how to be a gentlemen. I hope you have siblings, a sister to protect or a brother to pick on. I want you to have a proper family like you deserve. _

_ I don't know if the orphanage will have told you but your name is Louis Tomlinson and I'll be honest with you, your father didn't want anything to do with you or myself. Like I said, I don't expect you to forgive me, all I ask is that you try to understand my situation and that I really didn't want to give you up but I had no other choice. You may have not been planned, but you are everything I now know I wanted. I'm not sure what else to write here, I'm only fifteen and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared and alone and I just want to make this right. I don't know if that's what I'm doing but it's the only thing I can think of that's best for you. I'm sorry. I truly am. Please don't think this has anything to do with you, this is all my fault and no one is to blame but myself. If I do ever end up meeting you, I look forward to seeing you and seeing the great man I know you'll grow up to be. If not, I understand and goodbye, Louis. _

_ Love, Johannah. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! And please leave kudos if you think it's worth it! thanks for reading! :)


	12. Chapter 11

Louis wasn't sure how he felt. If Harry and Liam were to ask him if he was okay, he wouldn't have answer. If someone were to ask him if he wanted to cry, he wouldn't know. If someone were to ask him if he wanted to scream or throw something, he'd have no clue. He didn't feel angry. He didn't feel sad. He just didn't really _feel_. He was expecting this letter to change his opinion, to change how he felt, to change _something_. But it didn't. The only thing that changed was that he knew his mother had been too young to take care of him, and yes, that explains some things but he still had questions.

He still wanted to know _more_. He didn't know why he wanted to know more, he shouldn't care what she looked like or if he looked like her. He shouldn't care what her voice sounded like or what colour her eyes were. These things shouldn't matter because she wasn't a part of his life and she never would be. She didn't raise him and give him a home to live in; she didn't feed him and care for him, she didn't lay in bed with him when he had a bad dream or rush him to the hospital when he was thirteen and beaten pretty badly. She wasn't there for everything she should have been and because of her he spent half of his life scared and alone.

All he's ever wanted was to be wanted, to be loved and accepted. He wanted someone to look at him like he was something special, like they were proud of him. He wanted someone who wanted to be a part of his life; someone to care for him and tell him it'll all be okay when things were getting to be too much. He wanted someone to accept him for who he was but he knew that was asking too much. He knew to ask his family to accept him for him wasn't fair. He knew that he hadn't turned out to be the person they thought he was when they took him in, he knew that so he was willing to do all he could to be that person.

He's been doing it since day one, trying his best to be that perfect son because they deserved that much from him after giving him a home and a family. They gave him what Johannah Poulston never did and that's why he didn't _want_ to want to know more. He couldn't do that to his family. He couldn't just forget them and try to find this person who may not even be alive, this person who so easily _abandoned_ him. He couldn't and he wouldn't, he would move on from this letter. He got his answer, she was too young, and that would be that.

Louis lowered the letter from his line of sight when he felt he had read it enough time to recite it in his sleep. Harry and Liam remained silent as Louis chose to re-read it the amount of times that he did. How many times that was, Louis had no idea, but they didn't complain or question him. They just sat by his side, a silent presence to reassure him that they were there if he _did_ need to cry or scream, but he didn't. Louis was startled by a loud crashing noise coming from somewhere in the house, the house being otherwise silent. He felt Harry sigh more than he heard him and then he was gone, standing up from the bed, his right side instantly turning cold in Harry's absence.

"Better go check what the two doughnuts broke." Harry mumbled as he made his way to the door. Harry closed the door behind him, leaving Liam and Louis in silence, the only sound being from Louis' fingers numbly folding the paper back up and slipping it into the envelope.

"Do you want me to go?" Liam asked quietly, glancing at Louis. Louis knew he should say yes. He's kept Liam here all night already and that wasn't fair to Liam but Louis really didn't want him to leave. He wanted Liam to stay and tell him he was wanted again because it felt so believable and nice coming from him. He wanted Liam to hold him tight, stroke his hair and tell him everything was okay. He'll admit, only in his head, that he wanted Liam to kiss him, kiss him until he knew what to feel again and all he could think about was Liam's soft looking lips on his and his strong arms holding him close. "If you want to be alone, I under-"

"No." Louis interrupted quietly because fuck what he _should_ do, he was hung-over with a massive headache and an empty sort of feeling he feared would only grow stronger and more crippling if Liam left. "The last thing I want to be right now is alone." He admitted with his head ducked to hide any traces of blush. He was afraid of what his mind might get up to if he were left alone.

"Okay." Liam replied. He seemed to think on something before shifting a bit, turning his body toward Louis and slipping his arms around his waist, pulling him close and tucking Louis' head under his chin. "Is this okay?" He asked, sounding uncertain. Louis knew he should say no, push him away and ask him to leave instead, because this didn't mean to Liam what it meant to Louis, but it felt too nice to do that. Liam was also willing and Louis just wanted this one moment in the shit storm that was becoming his life.

"Yeah." He answered in a whisper, turning his body as well and cuddling into Liam further. Liam didn't protest, instead he held Louis tighter, his hand reaching up and stroking Louis' hair as he rambled nonsense into the silence that wasn't really sinking in but felt nice all the same. It was everything he needed and wanted, well almost but Louis' supposed he couldn't have everything.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Liam asked after his rambling died off, his voice turning into a whisper to match Louis'.

"No."

"Okay." Liam didn't push any further, he just held Louis close and left him to his thoughts but Louis wasn't so sure that was a good thing. He could feel himself slipping, slipping into a hole he wasn't sure he'd be able to drag himself out of and the only thing he had to hold onto was Liam. Liam and his caring eyes and warm smile, his strong arms and gentle touch and it should be enough. It should be enough to keep him from slipping into the empty pit that he felt like because Liam made him feel _good_ , but it wasn't. It wasn't enough because Liam wasn't his to hold onto and he never would be.

It was really frustrating because he needed Liam. He needed his stupid jokes and caring nature, he needed his friendship. He needed it now more than ever to keep him from his own thoughts but he couldn't even let Liam make him feel better because it hurt knowing that Liam didn't see him like that. It hurt to think that Liam didn't really know Louis, that if he did he wouldn't be sitting here cuddling him and trying to make him feel better. He hated to think that none of his friends, his family even, really didn't know him because he knew they wouldn't like who he was. He hated lying to them and hiding from them but he knew it was better for everyone if he did.

But the good that Liam made him feel by just being around him trumped the tiny flicker of hurt over Liam not being interested in Louis that way. It was better to be his friend than to not be around him at all because Liam made him feel good. He made him feel like maybe who he is was okay, even if he didn't know that one part of Louis. He kept him from getting too deep into his head where he knew he would only just lose himself in the storm going on in there.

Louis wasn't sure when he fell asleep or how long he had been asleep for but it didn't really matter because when he woke up Liam was _still_ there, holding him gently so as not to wake him up. Louis probably wouldn't have woken up either if it weren't for the poorly concealed fit of laughter. There were other voices as well but Louis was in the state of awake but not really so he couldn't make out what was being said. Instead Louis just focused on the warm body he was wrapped in. He focused on the beating of Liam's heart, slow and steady, and slowly lulling him back to sleep which was fine by him. If he woke up, he would be forced to face the world, do something and be productive and that just wasn't appealing at all.

So he allowed himself to go back to sleep, slowly drifting off with a steady _thump thump_ under his ear, Liam's familiar scent filling his nose. Liam smelled of fading cologne and the telltale signs of a party but underneath that was something that was just Liam and Louis loved it. He was nearly back to sleep when another roar of poorly concealed laughter sounded and the steady _thump thump_ started to pick up and turn erratic.

"Aw, look at the cute couple." Came a familiar Irish accent that Louis has come to love. It was just something about Niall that made you love him, made you smile. He had so much energy and it made you feel energetic as well, as if it he had too much of it so it radiated off him to be soaked by anyone around him.

"He's just upset. That's it." Liam's voice came through. Since Louis' ear was pressed to Liam's chest it sounded like a low rumble of words coming from somewhere inside him. "You guys are going to wake him up." Liam warned and Louis figured he probably wasn't going back to sleep now.

"Too late." Louis mumbled, stirring a bit but finding that he really didn't want to move away from Liam and the warmth he offered.

"Good job." Liam scolded whoever was all in the room, Louis still hadn't opened his eyes.

"Hey Lou, how are you feeling?" Came Harry's deep voice. Louis felt the bed dip behind him and he figured he really should let go of Liam now. Cuddling while upset and sleeping was one thing, cuddling while awake and having had time to calm down might send up some red flags. Louis groaned and pulled away from Liam, allowing him to stretch out his arms because they were probably a little stiff. He dug the heal of his palm into his eyes before opening them to see Liam sitting beside him with a shy smile, Harry sitting on the edge of the bed and Zayn and Niall standing at the end of the bed.

"Like shit. I was hoping if I slept again it would trick my body into thinking it shouldn't be hung-over anymore." Louis explained. They all grinned at him but Louis could see the uncertainty in all of their eyes. Great, Louis thought, they all knew.

"You just need a shower and some food." Harry stated, squeezing at Louis' knee. Louis smiled at him, knowing he would make him something to eat.

"I didn't know you were adopted, mate." Niall said, kicking at the bed gently. The other three boys froze at this and Louis thought that maybe he should be a little more put out then he felt but he wasn't. He's come to learn that that was just how Niall was, honest and to the point and he didn't mind, he actually kind of admired it.

"Yeah, when I was thirteen. Harry didn't tell you?" Louis questioned, turning to Harry who just shrugged.

"Didn't seem important to point out." Harry smiled.

"What'd it say?" Zayn asked softly. He had his arms crossed over his chest and his posture was stiff, Louis could tell something was off with him but he was a little too focused on his question to think about it. It was weird talking about this, he never talked about being an orphan and he still wasn't sure how he felt about this letter but these were his mates and they were only concerned.

"Uh, not much. Just... Her name is Johannah Poulston and she was fifteen when she had me... That's why she couldn't keep me." Louis mumbled, looking into his lap.

"Are you going to try and find her?" Niall asked and suddenly Louis didn't care if they were only concerned, he really didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted to move on.

"Um, no. I- I got my answer and that's all I wanted." Louis said, ignoring the way it felt like a lie to his own ears. "And I really don't want to talk about it... It's just a bit much right now." He said honestly because these were his mates and he knew they would understand.

"Of course, Lou." Harry smiled, standing up from the bed. "Come on lads, let's go make something to eat for your Majesty." Harry said, marching out of the room with a grin on his face. Niall followed behind without a fight, sending Louis and apologetic smile that Louis accepted with a nod. Zayn stayed for second, looking as if he wanted to say something but seemed to think better of it and followed Niall out into the hall.

"I think I'm going to go for a quick shower." Louis mumbled because Liam was still there, not that he minded, but he wasn't sure what else to say. Now that they were alone again it felt a bit awkward. Louis felt a bit embarrassed that he had Liam cuddle with him and Liam looked like he wanted to say something but didn't know what. Louis really shouldn't have told him to stay, he probably made Liam very uncomfortable but Liam was too nice to deny someone who needed help. He should have known that Liam might find it a bit weird but he hadn't been in the clearest state of mind.

"Oh, yeah. I, uh, I'll just go... make sure they don't make a mess." Liam said awkwardly, shuffling off the bed and making his way out of the room without another word. Louis sighed as he stood from his bed, grabbing the first shirt he saw from his closet and headed for his shower. When Louis turned on the shower after stripping out of his clothes from the night before, he turned it on hotter than he normally would, wanting to feel something other than the mess that was his emotions. These feelings for Liam were making things difficult for him, his feelings for his supposed mother were confusing him and he just wanted something to feel that wasn't _that_ and if that was the searing hot water against his skin then it would have to do. It would give him something to focus on, something that wasn't a written letter, inappropriate feelings for an old friend or the concern of his brother and friends. It was something he could control, it was something he could easily fix if he wanted to, unlike the rest of the problems in his life at the moment.

Louis stayed in the shower, standing there and letting the hot water turn his skin red and sensitive, until the water started to turn cold. When he towelled himself off he had to be gentle because his skin was so sensitive and tender that it hurt when he rubbed the towel against it. He quickly changed into the clothes he had chosen and made his way downstairs, ready to move on from all this and let any distractions keep him from dwelling on that letter that he had slipped back into his bedside drawer.

~

Finding a distraction wasn't hard in this group of friends he had. Between the four of them it was never hard to come up with something to do but now they had Niall and his ideas were usually crazy and perfect for distracting Louis. He wasn't sure if they knew Louis wanted the distractions but they all seemed to be trying extra hard to get Louis out of the house and keeping him busy. Louis tried to remain in a good mood, trying to be that happy fun guy everyone was used to but it wasn't always that easy. He was getting a lot of mood swings lately and he knew it had to do with everything going on and not the people he was surrounded by but sometimes it was difficult to remember that. But for the most part he thought he did pretty well, of course he'd often get an a concerned look from Zayn when he'd get too quiet or a questioning eyebrow from Harry when Louis got a bit snappy and Liam checked in on him every day but for the most part no one brought up the letter again and Louis was able to enjoy his summer for the most part.

That's not to say the letter wasn't always in Louis' thoughts, the words running through his head on repeat but he did his best to ignore them and it was easy to do with the help of his friends. When the conversation dwindled Niall would always fill it with crazy stories from when he lived in Ireland, they usually started with Niall getting drunk and ended with someone getting hurt, but they were funny none the less. Zayn and Harry had an idea of them all getting matching tattoos, an idea that Niall was not fond of for once and refused to do it but the boys were still planning it out. They often went to the pub at night, having to sneak Niall and Liam in because they technically weren't old enough yet though Louis had a feeling the bartender knew they weren't, he probably just didn't care so long as they didn't get too rowdy.

One night after having gone to the cinema to see _Horrible Bosses 2_ , that's where they found themselves, all squished into a booth at the back of the pub. Zayn and Harry shared a side comfortably, looking quite smug about the amount if elbow room they had while Louis sat with both Liam and Niall on either side of him, Liam squished up against the wall and Niall hanging off of Louis to avoid falling to the floor on his arse. It wasn't that busy in the pub, a few people sitting at the bar and a couple groups similar to their own spread out amongst the area.

Niall was already a few drinks in, obviously past a little tipsy and his accent growing thicker by the pint. Louis could hardly make out what he was saying but he thought Niall was talking about pretending to kidnap Zayn and demand a ransom from his friends because _'it worked so well in the movie, Lou_ ' and Louis didn't think he's really thought that through but he went along with it anyway because he was bored.

"We could just sneak in while he's sleeping and tie him up, he'll never know what hit him!" Niall explained in Louis' ear, his breath hot against his skin and smelling of beer.

"Except for the fact that I'm right here and you're a shit whisperer." Zayn pointed out. Niall frowned at this, apparently very disappointed that his plan had been foiled by his lack of whispering skills but then a pretty bleach-blonde waitress brought him another pint and he perked right up. The girl smiled at Niall politely but her attention seemed to be stuck on Zayn, not that Louis could really blame her. The thing that surprised him was that Zayn's attention seemed to be stuck on her as well.

"So you _do_ remember me?" The girl asked, taking Zayn's staring as a sign of familiarity and resting a hand on the table, leaning slightly towards Zayn. Zayn grinned at her and nodded.

"Of course, how could I forget you?" Zayn asked but the blonde didn't seem convinced.

"What's my name?" She asked. Louis wondered where Zayn would have been able to meet such a pretty girl when all his time was basically spent with them but then he remembered that party they went to and something about her did seem kind of familiar.

"Perrie." Zayn answered immediately, looking quite proud of himself when the girl looked surprised that he did in fact remember her.

"Oh." Was all she said before Zayn was moving on.

"I never got the chance to get your number that night." Zayn stated. Perrie still looked a bit shocked that Zayn wasn't some scheming player but then a pink blush was tinting her cheeks as she took in all the watchful eyes of Zayn's mates and the shock disappeared.

"Um, do you want it?" She asked shyly as Louis elbowed Niall in the rib to stop the snicker that was leaving his mouth. Zayn nodded and pushed a napkin toward her, waiting patiently as she wrote down her number then walked away to get back to her job. Louis was only slightly impressed.

"Jesus, the Zayn from two years ago would have been a stuttering, blushing mess. What the fuck happened?" Louis asked, a teasing grin on his lips. Now Zayn _was_ blushing, refusing to answer but he grinned back at Louis all the same.

"A lot has changed since you left, Lou." Liam mumbled, his glass of water apparently fascinating as he stared down into it.

"Yeah, _a lot_." Harry emphasized, a smirk playing at his lips. "A lot of self-discovery went on, wouldn't you agree, Li?" Harry asked, his tone sounding a bit odd to Louis' ears but he may have just had more to drink then he thought. Liam didn't answer Harry though, he only shot him a glare that made Zayn and Niall throw their heads back and laugh.

"Okay, what am I missing?" Louis asked, eyeing each of them. Niall raised his hands up in defense, as if saying ' _don't look at me_ ' while Zayn just shrugged and took a sip of his beer. Louis turned to Harry who looked to Liam but all Liam did was shrug as if to say he didn't know what the other three were on about. "What? What's going on?" Louis asked a little louder but none of them said anything, all looking at anything but Louis in an obvious way except Liam, Liam continued looking into his drink. Louis huffed in annoyance then turned to Niall. "Move, I’ve got to piss." He said maybe a little more harshly than intended but they were all hiding something from him and it was pissing him off. Niall stood, stumbling over his feet a bit and nearly bumping into the guy sitting a table beside them, letting Louis stand and make his way to the toilet.

"Wait, Louis!" He heard Liam call after him but he kept going. He didn't like being left out of the loop. He could understand a secret, he had many of his own, but when everyone else knew something and you didn't and they flaunted it but wouldn't tell you, that pissed him off. "Lou, come on, come back." Liam pleaded but Louis kept going because ever since that letter, his moods could go from zero sixty in one point two seconds and he couldn't control it.

He threw the door the toilets open and made his way for the sink because he didn't really have to use the toilet he just wanted to get away from them. He knew he was over reacting but he couldn't help it lately. He had a short temper and his moods could drop with a single word. He knew he wasn't actually mad at the boys, he was just mad in general. He didn't like that they all seemed to know something and it felt like they were making fun of him for not knowing. Of course it could have just been friendly teasing but he wasn't in the mood for that kind of teasing right now.

"Lou?" Liam's voice echoed through the room. Liam slowly appeared from around the small divider, looking a bit uncertain. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." Louis said, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"Just ignore them. They're just being idiots."

"What are you guys hiding?" Louis asked, ignoring Liam's advice.

"Nothing, it's nothing." Liam tried but Louis wasn't buying it. He knew them well enough to know that it was not nothing. Liam sighed, his shoulders sagging a bit. "Okay... this isn't really the place I wanted to tell you but..." His words died off and his whole demeanor changed. He looked a bit scared, worried about whatever it is he was about to tell Louis.

"What? What is it?" Louis asked, his anger diminishing when he took in how vulnerable Liam looked. He didn't like seeing Liam like this, Liam shouldn't be scared or vulnerable. He should be happy and smiling. Liam should be able to tell Louis anything, he would never judge him or make fun of him. "Li, you can tell me anything." Louis encouraged. Liam nodded, taking a breath and letting it out so he could talk.

"Okay, well... A lot really has changed since you left. I've found a lot out about myself and I've been trying to find a way to tell you, I'm just not sure how you're going to react." Liam said, obviously stalling.

"Li, I'm going to listen and then we're going to back out there knock their heads together for being idiots." Louis explained, trying to lighten the mood and hopefully make Liam a bit more comfortable. It seemed to work because Liam smiled and took a step or two towards Louis, meeting his eyes but Louis couldn't meet his. Liam was looking at him differently, with an intensity that had his heart racing and breathe catching. He didn't know why but he had a feeling Liam was about to tell him something big, something that was going to affect him in a big way. What was Liam about to tell him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would love to hear what you thought of this :) (The chapter or the story so far) And please leave kudos if you think it's worth it! thanks for reading!


	13. Chapter 12

"Louis, I- I'm-" Liam started just as the door to the toilets flew open and two loud men stumbled through, talking to each other but loud enough for the whole pub to hear.

"Oh, man you should have been there, dude." One of them said to the other, slapping his mate on the shoulder. The other grinned back at him as they made their way to do their business. "The look on her face was priceless!" Liam sighed as he eyed the two men, his mouth pressing closed because there was no way he was going to confess now. With a glance over his shoulder, maybe it was a glare, Louis lead Liam out into the hall but instead of going to join the boys, he pulled Liam down the hall where they met a dead end but they were alone.

"Go on," Louis encouraged. He wanted Liam to be able to trust him. Liam had been there for Louis when he needed him and Louis wanted to be there for him. Liam sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth, chewing slightly on the already raw flesh. He looked incredibly vulnerable again, worried and nervous about whatever was going on. His eyes couldn't seem to decide on a spot to focus on as they roamed over Louis' face, the wall beside him and the floor beneath them. "Li, it's okay, whatever it is... It's probably not as bad as you're making it out to be."

"I'm- well I'm-" Liam cut himself off, sighing and looking to the dirty floor beneath their feet. He took a moment, thinking about something or composing himself before continuing, his whole demeanor changing as he spoke. “I’m thinking of not going to Uni." Liam finally got out, letting go of his lips and focusing his eyes on Louis'. Louis was a little caught off guard, a little thrown off because that's not what he was expecting at all. He was expecting some big confession of some kind, or maybe he was just hoping, he was not expecting to hear about Liam's education choices.

"Oh." Was all Louis could manage to get out because there was a sort of disappointment settling inside of him even though he had no right to be disappointed over anything. He didn't know why or what he had been expecting, or maybe he did, but he knew he shouldn't have been expecting anything. It never paid off to jump to conclusions. Liam let out a small laugh, reaching up and scratching at the back of his head, seeming to be relieved.

"See? They were just being idiots. They've been bugging me about not wanting to go to Uni and saying I should tell you. They got me all worried that you'd be disappointed in me or something." Liam explained, dropping his hand to his side. Liam was talking fast, something Louis knew he did when he was nervous or attempting to lie which he wasn't very good at.

"Why? It's your decision." Louis mumbled, not sure why this was such a big deal to tell Louis. It's not like Louis has ever shown a strong belief in school and it's not like he really would be disappointed in Liam just because he didn't want to go to Uni. "If you don't want to go, you don't want to go. It's not a big deal to me." Louis shrugged. Liam nodded, mumbling out a thanks then started to back away to go join the boys. After a moment Louis joined him but he felt as though something was off. In the toilet Liam looked so vulnerable and scared, he was afraid of something. In the hall that vulnerability and worry disappeared. Something had changed, whether that be that Liam realized he could trust Louis or something else, he had no idea but he figured that must be it.

"Did you tell him?" Louis heard Harry asked as he approached the table. Liam took a seat in the booth, now with Niall squished up against the wall and leaving Louis the aisle seat.

"Yeah, I told him I don't want to go to Uni and it's not a big deal so stop fussing about it." Liam grumbled, grabbing his drink and taking a long sip. Harry frowned for a second but nodded anyway as Louis took his seat, half his leg hanging off the end.

"Uni's overrated anyway." Niall said after a few heart beats of silence and soon Zayn was nodding along as well. They were acting different now, Louis noticed. Before they were in a teasing mood, apparently finding it amusing to tease Liam about Uni but now they were quiet, giving Liam concerned looks. Maybe they thought they had pissed him off?

"Don't know why you guys thought I would care." Louis said with a shrug. "It's his decision, he can do what he wants." Louis explained. There was a moment of silence before Harry picked up his own drink, looking into it in thought before tipping his head back and finishing it off.

"Yeah," Harry muttered, setting his empty glass down. "I guess you're right."

 

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The moonlight shone through Louis' window, making everything glow a faint silver light in the darkness of his room. He was laying on his side, his back to the window so he couldn't actually see the moon but he didn't really care to see the moon anyway. He was more focused on his bedside table and the letter it contained. After some time to think about it, Louis' discovered he just feels empty. He's realized it's not a new feeling though, which he supposes is why he didn't feel that different after reading the letter. He's realized he's always felt like this on some level. There was always something missing, he's just never realized it until now.

Even though he was happy to have finally found a family that was willing to take him in, there was always that knowing he was rejected by the one person who was supposed to love him no matter what. It's always been there and it's always had an effect on him because now it's his biggest fear, being rejected. He doesn't want it to happen again so he pretends to be someone he's not so as not to upset the people he cares about. Now he realizes that it may not have been what Johannah wanted but he still felt like maybe she didn't think he was worth the trouble that keeping him would have meant.

He felt that maybe if she truly wanted him, she would have found a way. Sure, he may have had to grow up on the streets or something and not in the big house that he did but at least he would have had his mother. But then, she wasn't his mother. Anne was and he felt horrible for even thinking these things but he couldn't stop himself. If she had only kept him and took responsibility for what she did then maybe he wouldn't be the way he was today. Maybe he wouldn't be so scared of the people he loves leaving him. But then, if she had kept him he might not have met the people he loves today and that thought alone was just dreadful. So why couldn't he let this go?

How could he want her to have kept him but still want to have had this life? He was really confused and it was keeping him from getting much sleep lately. Instead of sleeping he would lay awake and just think over the same things, the same questions and never getting any answers. He was sick of it, it made him short tempered and it was exhausting running over the same theories and questions every night. He wasn't sure he could do it anymore.

Louis threw back the covers of his bed, the cool air creeping over his skin and making him shiver. He contemplated wrapping himself in the blanket and taking it with him but decided it would be more work than it was worth and a safety hazard when trying to descend the stairs. He left the blanket and shuffled his way out of the room, trying to be as quiet as possible so he didn't wake anyone up. As he passed Harry's room he could hear his quiet snoring, something he refuses to believe he does every time Louis points it out. As he passed Gemma's room he could hear a soft hum of music playing, not quite loud enough so he could hear what song but just enough to get rid of the eerie silence she always complained about as a child, he supposed it was habit now and she probably couldn't sleep without it.

He turned down the stairs and quietly made his way to the kitchen, planning on making some tea in hopes of calming himself so he might be able to catch at least a couple hours of sleep before the boys came banging on his door. He loved them, he did, but they did not understand the concept of sleeping in, which he found odd for a bunch of teenaged boys. He was surprised and only a little startled when he turned into the kitchen and saw Anne sitting at the kitchen counter, a cup of tea in her hands as she stared down into it. She was in her house coat, her dark hair a bit ruffled from her bed but she didn't appear to be overly tired. He didn't say anything when he walked in and neither did she, they only exchanged small smiles before Louis went to the cupboard and got himself a teacup.

Louis used the hot water his mother had boiled to make himself some tea then sat by his mother and rested his head on her shoulder. She immediately wrapped him in her arms, sensing something was wrong and forgetting about her own tea. Louis nuzzled further into his mother's arms, loving the warmth she provided and couldn't help but be reminded of his earlier thoughts. _This_ was his mother. This was who he should be thinking about, so why was he so confused?

"Couldn't sleep, baby?" Anne asked quietly though it sounded loud in the silence of the kitchen. Louis just shook his head, bringing his tea to his lips and taking a cautious sip. "Something on your mind?" She asked, her fingers playing with his hair. Louis imagined she was probably thinking of ways to get him to cut it.

"Why'd you give me that letter?" Louis asked instead of answering. Anne's fingers stilled in his hair, only for a second but Louis still noticed. Anne took a moment before answering, her fingers returning to playing with his hair.

"Because it was yours." Anne answered. "She asked that it be given to you when you were eighteen but I honestly forgot all about it until you came home, and then I couldn't find it and- Well, that doesn't matter. It was yours to do with what you wanted, not for me to decide." Anne explained gently. "Is this what's been bothering you? I've noticed you've been acting different and Harry's been all kinds of worried." Louis thought about how there was always something bothering him but he couldn't really confide in his mother about that so he decided to stick to the letter and nodded his head.

"I just- I don't know- What, like- You're my mother, not her, but I can't help but wonder- about her." Louis explained, hoping he made some kind of sense. Anne's hold on him tightened, her hand now holding his head close instead of playing with his hair.

"Oh, baby, I know that. I know I'm your mother and I know you know that but it's perfectly fine to have questions. It's fine if you want to know more about where you came from." Anne explained. She paused for a second, taking a small breath and it wasn't until now that Louis noticed the shakiness of her voice. "Baby, it's fine if you want to go find her, it's only natural. I just hope you won't forget about us." She added quietly. Louis pulled away at this to look at her because surely she didn't really think that Louis would just forget about them. He could never forget about them.

"Mum, I could never forget about you." Louis said. Anne smiled, a small wet smile, her hand shakily raising to move the hair from Louis' face.

"I just want you to be happy." She said, her eyes roaming over his face as if she was committing every detail to memory because she was afraid he'd just disappear. It was heart breaking to see his mother crying like that, to see her crying because of him. He just wanted her to stop, he wanted her to be happy, so he told her the only words he knew that would do just that, even if it felt like a lie.

"I am happy." He said, giving her a smile. Anne smiled back with a nod, then pulled him into her once again. They sat like that for a moment, just letting each other calm down.

"I really do think it's a good idea though." Anne said after letting Louis go so he could drink his cooling tea.

"What is?" He asked.

"Finding her. She wrote that letter for a reason Louis, and I'm sure you have questions you'd like to ask her." Anne explained and she must have seen the refusal on his face before he even said it because she just kept going without giving him a chance to speak. "Even if it's once and you never see her again, just so you know, get some closure."

"Mum, I-"

"Louis, I'm not saying go live with her. I'm saying go have a chat, a cup of tea. That's it." Anne explained as Louis sighed.

"I don't even know where she lives or if she's even alive." Louis explained ignoring the way a lump formed in his throat around those words.

"Do you know her name?"

"Johannah Poulston."

"Okay. Leave it to me and go to bed. It's late." Anne scolded as she stood, placing her tea cup in the sink. Louis was a little too confused to even bother reminding her he was twenty years old and watched as she headed out of the kitchen. "Goodnight baby, I love you." She said as she disappeared through the entrance.

"Love you, too." He mumbled, not expecting her to hear it but needing to say it anyway. Louis didn't go to bed, he stayed up and stared into his emptying tea cup. He supposed he felt a little better about the letter, if only a little confused as to if Anne was going to find Johannah for him and how he felt about that. He had to admit that the idea of meeting Johannah had him equally excited and terrified. He was excited to maybe get answers but terrified he wouldn't be who she expected, but he supposed he shouldn't think about it too much since he may not even meet her.

Although he did feel better about the letter he couldn't help but think about how he lied to his mother. He realized he was not happy. As much as he put on an act, laughing and smiling, he was not truly happy. He hadn't been for a few years he supposed. Sure, there are moments in his life that are happy but he is not happy lying about who he was. He was not happy planning his every move so as not to give himself away. He was not happy not being able to tell the guy he cared about how he felt. He just wasn't happy and he wasn't sure how to fix that.

 

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Louis decided not to dwell on anything for too long, it never helped and it only made more people worry about him. So Louis ignored the way he'd rather just lay in bed then go hang out with the boys. He ignored the way it feel like a chore to smile most of the time. He ignored all the urges that had him wanting to escape, to just be alone with himself so he didn't have to pretend like he was okay, so he didn't have to act like another person. He loved his family and he loved his friends, that's why he was doing what he was doing but he couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to live in a world where he could be himself, his true self and not have to worry about losing the people he cared about.

He wondered what it would be like to talk to Harry about boys, or even Gemma since she'd probably be a little more interested. He wondered what it would be like to bring a boy home on Christmas to meet his family. He wondered what it would be like to hold his hand when he was hanging out with the boys, to cuddle on the couch while watching a movie even with Robin right there in his office, sneaking glances at them. Then he wondered what it would be like to do all these things with Liam, but again, dwelling on these things he couldn't have never did him any good, so instead he tried to focus on not focusing on how good looking Chris Hemsworth is in that ridiculous cape. Like really, who can actually make a cape look sexy?

"Man, Jane is so fit." Zayn muttered before shoving a handful of popcorn in his mouth. They were in the basement watching Thor even though they've all probably seen it about fifty times. Zayn and Niall were sharing the smaller couch, Niall's feet thrown over Zayn's lap after Zayn finally gave up fighting him on it. Louis, Harry and Liam shared the bigger couch, Harry in the middle, leaning on Liam on the end and Louis on the other end with his feet thrown over both of their laps. Harry didn't even flinch at the action and Liam only made a weak complaint about getting the feet but otherwise they weren't nearly as opposing as Zayn.

"Her name is Natalie Portman." Niall informed him around an already full mouth, some popcorn falling out and tumbling to the floor where it sat, ignored.

"I know what her name is." Zayn grumbled, then focused his attention back on the movie. Louis was trying to do the same when he felt something poke at the bottom of his foot. He pulled his eyes from the screen and looked to the end of the couch where Liam sat smirking, his eyes on the screen. It was possible Louis imagined it but he doubted it with the way Liam was smirking at the movie during a scene that wasn't even funny, but he ignored it anyway. He looked back to where Thor was flying up into the sky with his hammer, but then it happened again. This time it wasn't a poke, it was multiple fingers shuffling along the bottom, successfully tickling Louis' foot and making it twitch without permission. Louis pulled his foot away, knocking it into Liam's stomach gently to tell him 'okay, enough' but he didn't stop. Liam's fingers went back to his foot, this time with more purpose, going after both feet.

Harry didn't seem to notice, or if he did he was pretending to be entranced by the movie. Louis tried digging the heel of his foot into Liam's thigh but that didn't stop him. He tried moving his feet closer to Liam's knees but that didn't work either. Liam kept finding his feet and tickling them as Louis tried to keep them away. He knew he could easily pull them back and tuck them under himself but he had to admit, he was having fun and he enjoyed any kind of attention he could get from Liam. Liam clamped a hand over one foot , holding it in place while he tickled it with the other hand relentlessly and this time Louis let out a little noise, something between a yelp and a gasp, trying to pull his foot back but he just ended up pulling himself closer to Harry, his other foot knocking into his brother's leg.

"Okay, enough. Watching a movie here." Harry informed them though he looked just as amused.

"It's- It's not my- fault, Liam!" Louis basically yelled between gasps of air, wiggling around to try and break free. Louis' plea went ignored, a grin spreading across Liam's lips. Louis must have twisted the wrong way because the next thing he knew he was on the ground, cradling his elbow from where it smacked against the coffee table.

"Oh my god, Louis? Are you okay?" Liam asked, stumbling off the couch to Louis' side. Louis groaned, playing up the pain when really it didn't even hurt anymore. Louis heard the movie go quiet and then Liam was flipping him over, concern all over his face. Louis took that moment and leapt at Liam, caught up in the moment of just having fun with his friend, forgetting about all his worries and problems and just _living_.

Louis collided with Liam, his hands going for Liam's sides as they fell to the ground. They landed with an 'Oof' but Louis didn't waste time in righting himself, getting to his knees and tickling Liam in any place he could. Unfortunately Liam was stronger so he easily flipped them over, nearly knocking them into the television stand, and started to tickle him again. Louis was thankful when Liam lost his balance and fell, it nearly crushed him but it did get Liam to stop and Louis was thankful for that because he was out of breath.

"Okay, o-okay. Truce?" Louis huffed out, resting a tired hand on Liam's shoulder. Liam shifted, picking himself up so he was hovering over Louis, looking down at him with a grin.

"Okay, but only because you look about ready to pass out." Liam replied, his tone playful and his eyes amused as they stared down into Louis' blue ones. Louis smiled back up at him, without having to think about it or make himself do it, and made the mistake of looking back into Liam's eyes.

It was only a mistake because once he did meet the deep brown of Liam's eyes, he couldn't really look away. Louis' always been amazed at how dark Liam's eyes were, yet they still had little golden flecks in them that made them shine. It was fascinating, more than a little intriguing and downright distracting because while Louis was getting lost in Liam's eyes, he didn't notice the looks being shared between the three other boys. There were looks of 'I told you so' and excitement, there were looks of anticipation and the waggling of eyebrows before they schooled their features into sort of amused, sort of annoyed looks in time for Liam to pull himself from the blue of Louis' eyes and the warmth of his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think and please leave kudos if you think it's worth it! Thanks for reading!


	14. Chapter 13

"Knock, knock." Came a voice from behind Louis, startling him out of his half asleep state. Louis' eyes flew open to see the sun shining through his window and immediately squinted against the brightness. He hadn't even realized he was falling asleep, he had just come up here to get some peace and quiet. Not that he didn't like hanging out with the boys but lately he just felt off. He felt like he was being watched, his every move being analyzed, his every word trying to be deciphered like it had some hidden meaning even he wasn't aware of.

He honestly just felt trapped, like there was nowhere he could go where there wasn't someone watching him or asking him questions. He wasn't sure if he was just paranoid or not but he felt like maybe someone suspected something. What exactly that was, he wasn't so sure. It was just that Harry was coming into his room at night a lot, asking him if there was anything he wanted to tell him or talk about. Louis would always say no, of course, and when that happened Harry would either assure him that Louis could tell him anything or he would open up about something that was apparently bothering him. Louis felt like he was maybe hoping if he opened up, Louis would as well.

Niall was always asking him questions, claiming he just wanted to get to know Louis better but he would always ask the same questions. He would always ask him about Uni and the girls there, asking him to open up some of the 'wild times' Louis must have had. Louis tried humouring him, especially when he had all of the boys' eyes on him, making up stories about this one girl he used to talk to. She was nice, fun and they would often study together but they never did any of the things he told Niall they did. He would incorporate some of the things he saw in the porn videos he used to watch when he was younger and still trying to convince himself he was watching the girl and not the guy. He would use real stories from when he would discretely hook up with a couple guys, changing their names and body parts but now he was running out of ideas and Niall would still question him once in a while.

It wasn't necessarily out of the ordinary, Niall was just like that. He shared everything about himself and expected you to do the same, whether that was some crazy sexual experience or what you had for dinner last night. It was the way Niall would ask and the way he would listen that made Louis paranoid. It was like he was analyzing every word he said, paying close attention, too close, to each story. Now whether or not that was because he was a horny teenager or a friend with an ulterior motive, Louis couldn't tell.

Even Zayn was being nosey and Zayn was never nosey. Zayn always let you come to him. Sure he would remind you that he was there if you needed him when he noticed something was wrong but he would never push you to tell him anything you didn't want to. It was one of the many things Louis loved about him. But now Zayn was constantly inquiring about Louis' life, he'd corner Louis and ask how he was, if there was something he wanted to talk about even though Louis was pretty sure he hadn't acted in any way that would raise suspicion about his well-being. When he couldn't get Louis alone he would give him questioning looks and curious glances when Louis would do or say certain things. For the most part Louis would pretend to ignore the looks but it was difficult to ignore him when he was cornered, and he was cornering him a lot lately.

Zayn claimed he needed girl advice, which would have been fine and Louis was happy to help but in between the simple questions like 'What should I wear?' or 'Where should I take her?' there would be the question that set Louis on edge. Louis tried to do his best to answer what he could but then he'd always get thrown off when Zayn got really intense and asked him more personal questions. A few days ago Louis had been about to revise some of his school work, he knew it was summer but it didn't hurt to refresh himself so he wouldn't forget, and Zayn had come a knocking on his door and started gushing about this Perrie girl he had met. Louis was more than happy to listen but he thought it was odd that Zayn was talking so deeply about a girl he had just met.

The red flags really went up when Zayn asked if Louis' had ever felt his way about someone, it was a normal enough question, but it was the wording that had Louis going on red alert. The words still rung through his mind sometimes when he got a little paranoid; 'You ever feel this way about a girl, Lou? Or anyone?'. Louis wondered why he felt the need to clarify the 'anyone' part and he felt like he was being asked a lot more than just if he's ever felt that way before. He supposed it could all be just his imagination but either way, he still felt trapped and he just needed a break.

Louis rolled over in his bed, taking a peek at the door to see Liam standing in the doorway, a soft fond smile on his face as he regarded the bed rumpled figure in front of him. Louis was hit with the sometimes overwhelming rush of affection he got quite often now when he looked at Liam and couldn't help but smile at him. With everything going on, Liam was the one person he didn't feel trapped with. He didn't feel like he should be paranoid and cautious of his every move. He just felt normal with Liam and it was nice. But that was only when they were alone. If the boys were there, that feeling came crashing down around him again, somehow feeling even worse which is why Louis thought that maybe it _was_ just his paranoia after all. He was probably just paranoid of them seeing the emotions Louis felt for Liam when he was trying so desperately to keep them hidden. It was just hard.

Over the past couple weeks Liam's been growing more and more playful, teasing Louis every chance he got in many different ways. Whether that be with words or holding things out of his reach, it seemed that's all he did lately. Not that he was complaining. He loved the attention from Liam and the look of concern or worry when Louis would pretend he had gone too far was priceless and just adorable. It all seemed to start with that night they were watching Thor and it ended up in a tickling match. Liam's gone from reminding Louis of embarrassing moments, like when him and Harry walked in on Louis trying to wank off, to throwing Louis over his shoulder and carrying him around like a sack of potatoes, much like at the beach, forcing Louis to try and not think about how easily Liam can pick him up and how he sort of liked that.

The truth was, Louis enjoyed it. He found it easy to get lost in these moments and preferred it to his depressing thoughts. He enjoyed that Liam seemed to always be there, always keeping Louis' mind off things and making him smile. He enjoyed being around Liam but sometimes he found he would be enjoying it too much. He would slip up, a lot. He would hold onto Liam just a little longer than necessary, he would look at Liam a little longer or even touch him for no reason. Not that Liam seemed to mind or even notice but he had a feeling the boys did. He'd often catch them whispering to each other, sometimes giggling about something. He would sometimes get caught looking at Liam and receive a look in return from one of them though he still wasn't sure how to interpret it. So he loved being around Liam but he just wished they could be alone more often.

"Hey." Louis said, a sleepy smile spreading across his face, his voice cracking from the sleepy tone.

"You disappeared." Liam observed, a small frown making it's way onto his face as he stepped into the room. Louis threw back the covers, the summer sun shining through the window making it too hot to keep them on any longer.

"Yeah, I uh- I fell asleep." Louis half lied. He hadn't technically fallen asleep, he was about to though.

"I saw that." Liam replied, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Didn't sleep last night?" Louis shook his head because no, he really didn't. He hadn't been able to get a good sleep in a while. "Something on your mind?" He asked. It's the same question he's been asked many times over the past couple weeks, by many different people but it's the first time he's actually felt a desire to open up. It's not that he doesn't trust the boys but he just felt like their goal was something other than listening to Louis' problems. He sort of felt like a science experiment they were trying to figure out.

"Uh, well... Sort of, I guess." Louis said, pulling himself into a seated position.

"Want to talk about it?" Liam asked and Louis did, he really did, but he couldn't.

"No." Louis answered, looking into his lap where his fingers began fiddling with each other.

"Okay." He said simply, crawling over the bed to sit by the Louis. "You don't have to talk, but can I?" He asked.

"Something bothering you?" Louis asked, feeling a little guilty. Everyone's been so concerned with Louis, Louis included, that he never bothered to check in on Liam once in a while.

"No, not- Well, sort of... I guess." Liam answered, leaning back against the headboard of the bed. The thing with Liam is that Louis was constantly having to remind himself how to act around him. Right now he wanted to pull Liam into a hug, maybe kiss him until the frown on his face disappeared and assure him that whatever it was, was going to be okay. But that's not what friend's did, not really.

"What is it?" Louis encouraged, squelching the urge to reach out ot him.

"Well it's not really me... I just- I'm worried about you." Liam said, making Louis duck his head. Louis was trying not to let his thoughts get the better of him when he was with the boys, but he knew it didn't always work. "I know with this letter thing, it’s probably just a lot to deal with... but you never talk about it. You never talk about the orphanage or anything like that. You never have." Liam explained and Louis had to fight the urge to sigh because of course that's what he thought was the only thing going on inside of Louis' mind. The letter.

"I just think you should talk about it, it couldn't of been easy living there and it can't be healthy to keep it all bottled up." Louis wondered why this was bothering Liam so much, why he sought Louis out to talk about it. He didn't want to talk about it though. It was in the past and he didn't want to drag out all those old feelings, he was dealing with enough of those already but Liam was looking at him with this look and he found himself sighing and making himself comfortable against the headboard as well.

"What do you want me to talk about?" Louis asked quietly, his fingers playing with the hem of his shirt. Liam shrugged, Louis feeling the brush of it against his arm.

"You were there the whole time?" Liam asked, turning his head to look at Louis but Louis stayed focused on the hem of his shirt.

"Well... I was sent back and forth between new homes and the orphanage." Louis explained and sighed when Liam looked a bit confused. "When people want to adopt a kid, they take them home for like a trial period to see if they are suitable parents and how well they mesh with the kids. Unfortunately, this also gives the parents a chance to say, no I don't them anymore." Louis explained with a bit more venom in his words than he intended.

"That's awful." Liam mumbled. Louis shrugged because that's just the way it was.

"I was never good at the meshing part." Louis admitted, swallowing around a tiny lump in his throat because he's never told anyone this before and it was _hard_. "I acted up in school, at the house, got in fights with the other children. I was a rotten kid, it's no wonder none of them kept me." Louis kept going because now that he started, it was all just tumbling out. "They'd just send me back like a defective iPod, say that I wasn't what they wanted and pick out another. I'd be sent back to my room, expected to just brush it off and go join the other kids again so another family could come and pick me.

"They'd just walk up to me and say, 'I want that one' and that was that. I felt like I was a cow on farm or something. I didn't get a say in it, if they wanted to take me home, I went, but it never lasted long." Louis was clutching at his shirt now, his knuckles turning white as he remembered the play room he spent countless hours in, hoping pointlessly that a family would come along and take him home for good. He was gripping the shirt so hard he could probably tear the material if he just twisted it the right way.

"Louis, that's- that's just-" Liam seemed at a loss for words. "I had no idea."

"It's okay. I never minded them not picking me... I mean, I minded but I knew I didn't want to be with a family that didn't really care about me, you know?" Louis asked even though he knew Liam didn't know, how could he? "And then one day... I saw a little curly haired boy come bounding into the room." Louis went on, his grip loosening on his shirt, a small smile forming on his lips. "Harry took one look at me and ran over straight away.

"He wouldn't shut up either, he kept asking question after question until Mum came over and joined us. He begged her to take me home and then... she gave him shit for treating me like a puppy." Louis said, his lip twitching into a bigger smile at the memory. "She gave him shit and after a while she asked me if I wanted to come home with them. She _asked_ me, Liam. I knew then that this family was different... And I knew I didn't want to mess it up." Louis was a bit more relaxed though he refused to look away from the crumpled fabric at his waist.

"Is that why you begged me to keep quiet about those boys who picked on you?" Liam asked quietly, frowning at the memory. Louis nodded his head, then tilted it back and looked at the ceiling.

"Yeah. I thought that if I inconvenienced Mum in anyway, she'd send me back." Louis admitted.

"She wouldn't have done that." Liam said immediately.

"I know that now." Louis mumbled.

"She still wouldn't, you know." A deep voice added in from the doorway, making both boys on the bed look up a bit startled. Harry stood in the doorway, Zayn and Niall at his side. They all smiled a bit awkwardly because they had been sort of caught listening in on what was supposed to be a private conversation. Maybe Louis should have been mad that they had been listening when they weren't supposed to but he couldn't find it in him to be. They were his mates and he was kind of glad he could open up to them about this one thing in his life because he couldn't open up about anything else.

"Well, yeah... I'm kind of too old to be sent back to the orphanage." Louis said, his tone a bit lighter now. Louis gestured for them come in because they obviously wanted to. They all did, somehow all fitting onto the bed. It was a bit comical really, five grown teenagers trying to squeeze onto a bed that was barely made for two.

"That's not what I meant." Harry said, flicking Louis' toes. "I meant... No matter what, Lou, we'll still love you. All of us." Harry said, meeting Louis' eyes. There was something in Harry's eyes, something that Louis couldn't quite get a read on but he had a feeling Harry was trying to tell him something. "There's nothing you could do that would make us not love you. And not just Mum, Robin, Gemma and me. All of us." Harry elaborated, gesturing to the four boys sitting on his bed. Louis had a feeling, he wasn't sure if it was a good feeling or not but he had a feeling that had him looking to each face on the bed.

Harry was looking at him intently, trying to somehow will him to understand some secret message Louis wasn't receiving. Zayn was giving him a small re-assuring smile as if to tell him everything was okay, as if he knew Louis might be freaking out a bit on the inside. Niall was giving him a knowing look, like he knew what Louis was feeling but how could that be possible when Louis didn't even know what he was feeling? He felt a little scared, he felt nervous for some reason because he had a feeling they were trying to tell him something that had to do less with fearing being sent back to the orphanage and more to do with something else. He just wished he knew what. Liam was sitting quietly, his eyes trained on the button of his jeans, the only one not looking at Louis but really the only one Louis wanted looking at him.

"Yeah, we want you to know that... No matter what you do or what you... Want, we'll be here for you. We'll support you. We're not going anywhere." Zayn said slowly, seeming to choose his words carefully. Louis nodded slowly because there was obviously something he was missing but he didn't want to admit that he was missing it because they all looked pleased that he understood.

Zayn and Harry's words weighed heavy in the air, sinking into Louis' skin, into his heart and he almost gave in. He almost broke down and told them because the looks they were giving him were so hopeful and sincere and he knew they _thought_ they meant it. He knew they thought they were telling the truth but they had no idea what they were promising to do. They had no idea what secret Louis was keeping. They had no idea what part of himself he was hiding from them and when they found out, he knew they wouldn't be able to fulfill their words and he wouldn't blame them.

He also could tell they suspected something. He wasn't that thick and neither were they. They've all been acting odd this summer, Louis included, and maybe it was only because Louis was acting odd but it didn't matter. They knew there was something going with Louis; they probably just didn't realize how big it was and how much it would change their lives.

"Anything you want to tell us?" Zayn asked and there it was. The same question they've been asking over and over and the dead giveaway that they knew something was up.

"I can leave." Niall offered, probably thinking he was the problem. "Really, I don't mind. I know we just met like a month ago... I-"

"No it's fine. There's nothing to talk about." Louis cut in. He wished there was, he wished he could tell them but he couldn't. He couldn't lose them.

"Are you sure?" Niall asked, making Louis sigh.

"Why are you guys being so persistent lately? There's nothing to tell you. You know everything about the letter and the orphanage, there's nothing more to tell." Louis explained, sounding exasperated. He was going to try making it look like the letter was the only thing going on. There was a silence, Zayn and Harry exchanging a look while Niall glanced over at Liam.

"We just- Want you to know we're here, for anything you need or need to tell us. We always have been and we always will be" Harry replied.

"And I know that." Louis assured them.

"Then why are-" Zayn started to ask but then Liam was speaking up for the first time in a while.

"Guys, he said he's good. Drop it." Liam said, shifting again on the bed as Louis silently thanked him. Zayn sighed this time, looking to Liam.

"We just don't want anyone to feel like they need to hide things between us." Zayn explained.

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "What about you, Li? Anything you want to share?" Harry asked, his tone no longer soft or even playful like it usually would be. Liam looked to Harry, a hard look in his eyes. His jaw was clenched; his body tense and Louis suddenly felt like he wasn't the only one keeping a secret.

"No, Haz, there isn't." Liam said through clenched teeth and then he was standing. "I told my Mum I'd help her with some things. Sorry, I forgot. See you guys later." Liam explained as he straightened his clothes and made for the door. Louis frowned because he was confused and Liam was obviously lying and upset and he didn't like Liam being upset.

"Wait, Li! Come on!" Niall called after him but all he got was a lazy wave over his shoulder and then Liam was leaving the room. Louis turned to the three boys left on his bed and raised an eyebrow at them.

"What was that?" Louis asked. Louis was shocked to say the least when Harry looked at him, glaring right at him. And it wasn't a playful glare or one of the glares he usually got when he'd tease Harry. No, it was a truly upset, pissed off glare and it was directed right at Louis.

"Nothing," Harry replied, shifting to slide himself off the bed. "Everything is just fine, Lou." Harry said a bit louder as he too left the room. Whether that was to follow Liam or not, Louis had no idea. This sort of pissed Louis off because he hadn't done anything, he wasn't the one pushing people to tell him stuff they didn't want to.

"Want to tell me again how you'll always be there?" Louis shouted at the door, going for a low blow but he didn't care. His words went ignored anyway. Zayn looked a bit torn about who to comfort first because these were all his best mates and he didn't want to pick sides. Niall sighed and rolled off the bed, only stumbling a little and shuffling towards the door.

"I'll get whoever I can catch." He called over his shoulder and then he too was out the door. Louis wondered when everything went wrong. This had started out about letting Louis talk about something that was bothering him and had turned into three of them getting pissed off.

"Lou, what's going on?" Zayn asked and Louis tried to ignore the way he sounded desperate, almost like he was begging Louis to stop all this and fix it, but he couldn't fix it. He had nothing to do with what happened, did he?

"Nothing." Louis mumbled.

"Louis." Zayn said, sounding unimpressed.

"Zayn." Louis mimicked in the same tone because he was also fed up with all the questions.

"Come on, I never ask you tell me anything. Can't you just- just this once?" Zayn asked, making Louis sigh in defeat.

"You're right. You never ask me, but don't I always come to you when something is really bothering me?" Louis asked, feeling incredibly guilty for taking advantage of Zayn's trust right now. Zayn looked at him for a long moment, studying him and Louis put on his best 'Everything is okay' look. Zayn sighed and nodded offering Louis a weak smile.

"Okay. If you say there's nothing wrong, nothing you want to talk about..." Zayn paused, looking up at Louis through long lashes as if he was hoping Louis might jump in and confess something. When Louis remained silent, he continued. "Then I'll leave it alone. Just- just let me know if there is anything, because you can literally come to me about anything and I-"

"Zayn." Louis cut him off, giving him a warning look.

"Sorry. Okay, I'm leaving. I'm going to go talk to Haz, you know he's not mad at you. He's just... moody lately." Zayn said, shuffling off the bed as well.

"Yeah, I know." Louis said letting Zayn leave. Louis knew Harry wasn't actually mad at him and even if he was, he wouldn't be for long. They've never been able to stay mad at each other for longer than a day; he just didn't understand what he had done to upset him in the first place. It was Liam who had stormed off, not that Louis wanted to blame Liam at all, but it was true. And why did Liam storm off? Was he really keeping a secret? He wanted to feel a bit mad about that but he couldn't be, not really. He supposed everyone had secrets that they didn't want people to know about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you liked it or not! And please leave kudos if you did! :) Thanks for reading!


	15. Chapter 14

As Louis sat on his bed he couldn't help but wonder if Liam was okay. He seemed pretty upset when he left and it wasn't like him to make excuses to not hang out with them. He didn't know what was going on between him and Harry, maybe Harry knew something Louis didn't or maybe Harry thought there was something to know just like he thought there was with Louis, but Louis really had no idea. Louis didn't understand why Harry was trying to interfere the way he was. He didn't understand why Zayn and Niall were trying to help him either. There was a lot he didn't understand right now but he really only had one concern at the moment.

Digging into his pocket, Louis pulled out his phone and opened the messenger app, scrolling to Liam's name and typing out a quick message to see if he was okay. He only hesitated for a second when he thought that maybe Liam was upset with Louis but then he realized he hadn't really done anything and hit send. He wasn't expecting a reply right away so he slipped the phone into his pocket and shuffled off the bed, needing to move. He couldn't sit on that bed any longer, his bum was starting to hurt.

Louis made his way down stairs, ignoring the hushed conversation going on inside Harry's room. He didn't think Louis barging into the room would help matters right now, it'd probably only make it worse. Whatever _it_ is. He made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen, going to get himself a drink. He wondered if Niall had caught Liam or if he was in Harry's room as well. He didn't like the thought of Liam being alone right now, but maybe that's what he wanted. Louis understood the need to just be alone, where you didn't have people poking and prodding at you every minute, where you could just do what you want and not have to worry about others. That's why Louis stuck to sending one single message, that way Liam knew he was here but if he wanted to be alone, he wasn't going to bug him.

Louis had poured himself a glass of water, taking a seat at the counter and started to flip through Anne's magazine that she had left there out of boredom. He wasn't really reading it so he had no idea what it was about, but there were a lot of pictures of flowers and gardening tools so he could make a guess as to what it was about.

"Hey." Louis lifted his head at the voice, seeing Gemma come into the kitchen, her bag thrown over her shoulder and her keys in hand.

"Hey, where are you going?" Louis asked, noticing she looked ready to leave.

"Just meeting up with a mate." She answered nonchalantly with a shrug, trying to seem cool, _too_ cool.

"Oh? Just a mate?" Louis questioned, raising an eyebrow at her. She narrowed her eyes at him in a playful glare as she opened the fridge.

"Yes, _just_ a mate." She replied. "What's going on with Haz?" She asked, changing the subject. Louis dropped his gaze because he really didn't have an answer.

"I don't know, he just got a bit upset, Zayn's talking to him." Louis explained. Gemma pulled a bottle of water from the fridge and threw it in her bag, closing the fridge behind her as she turned to lean on the counter by Louis. It was her turn to raise an eyebrow at Louis and he couldn't really blame her.

"Why aren't you talking to him?" She asked, her eyes roaming over Louis' face for any clue as to what was going on.

"He's kind of upset with me..." Louis admitted though he wasn't sure that that was the truth. Both of Gemma's eyebrows shot up at this because this didn't happen often.

"What'd you do?"

"I don't know." Louis said immediately. Gemma didn't look convinced. "I- I think he thinks I’m hiding something from him but I'm not." He admitted, already used to the guilt that came with flat out lying to his family. He wasn't so sure that was a good thing.

"That's it?" She asked, scrunching up her face in disbelief. "Oh. I thought it might be something serious. Don't worry about it, he'll be down here in ten minutes and you'll be getting into some kind of trouble, I'm sure." She said, pushing herself off the counter. Louis flipped her off as she left the kitchen, sticking her tongue out at him over her shoulder as she did. He knew she was right, Harry wouldn't stay mad at him long, he wasn't one to hold grudges with anybody; he just had to give him some space. Louis was about to go back to the magazine he wasn't really reading when he heard his phone chime, telling him he had a new message.

 **Liam** _I'm_ _fine_ , _just_ _needed_ _to_ _breathe_.

Louis nodded as he read the message, understanding the need completely. He often felt that way when he felt trapped, when he felt like everyone was questioning him or expecting something from him. Louis replied instantly.

 **Louis** _Okay_ , _I_ _can_ _come_ _around_ _to_ _yours_ _if_ _you_ _want?_

This time the reply was almost instant.

 **Liam** _No_ , _it's_ _okay._ _I'll_ _be_ _over_ _later_ _or_ _tomorrow_. _I'm_ _not_ _mad_ _at_ _him_.

 **Louis** _I_ _know_... _he's_ _being_ _a_ _bit_ _pushy_ , _yeah_?

 **Liam** _Well_ , _it's_ _probably_ _my_ _fault_. _I'm_ _sorry_ _about_ _all_ _this_ , _it_ _most_ _likely_ _is_ _my_ _fault_.

This confused Louis. How was this all Liam's fault? What was he missing? He didn't think this was Liam's fault at all and that wasn't just because in Louis' eyes, Liam could basically do no wrong. Liam hadn't done anything, it was Harry who got all pissy; not that Louis was upset about that.

 **Louis** _What makes you say that?_

 **Liam** _I_ _may have talked to them about how I thought you might be... depressed_?

Liam's admission took him by surprise as he stared down at his phone. Did they really think Louis was depressed? He didn't want them thinking that. He didn't want them worrying about him because he wasn't. Was he? Louis wouldn't classify himself as depressed. Sure, he may not be the happiest person in the world but he wasn't depressed. He had so many things to be happy for, he had his family and that's all he's ever wanted. It was worth living the way he did to hide this one thing from them so he could keep them.

 **Louis** _Depressed? I'm not depressed. Why do you think I'm depressed?_

 **Liam** _I_ _don't know. I just thought you were acting funny... This was a while ago though, then we found out about the letter_.

The message came in two separate bubbles, making his phone chime twice, the second one coming before the first could finish it's tune.

 **Liam** _Then I figured that was all it was, but they wouldn't let it be._

 **Louis** _Oh, yeah. That's all it was. I'll talk to them, thanks Li._

 **Liam** _I am sorry, Lou. I didn't mean to start all this._

 **Louis** _It's fine, just a misunderstanding._

 **Liam** _How are you doing with the letter though?_

Louis debated on lying again, he debated telling Liam everything was fine so he wouldn't worry about him but he really didn't want to continue to lie to anyone when he didn't need to. He had to do that enough as it was.

 **Louis** _Mum's trying to find her, I think._

 **Liam** _Really? Are we happy about that?_

Louis couldn't help but smile down at his phone because of course Liam asks how he should feel about that. He wouldn't want to upset Louis further, the thing was though, Louis didn't have an answer for him.

 **Louis** _I don't know. I'll have to wait and see if she actually finds her_.

 **Liam** _Well, I'm here either way. Don't ever forget that._

Louis smiled down at his phone even though he knew that already. He knew all of them would be there if he needed to talk about his biological mother again. He just also knows they wouldn't be okay with him being gay because that wasn't the Louis they befriended. Louis lifted his head when he heard footsteps coming into the kitchen. He was expecting it to be Harry, coming to apologize but it wasn't, instead his eyes met his mum's. She looked like she had just got off work, still in her formal clothes. In her hands she held a sheet of paper that she was running her fingers along the edge of as she regarded Louis. He could tell there was something she wanted to talk about so he quickly typed out one last message to Liam before putting his phone away.

 **Louis** _I_ _know, and I won't. See you later, Li_.

"Hey, Mum. What's that?" Louis asked, his eyes darting to the paper she was fiddling with. She walked up to the counter and slipped the paper in front of him, wordlessly telling him too look at it. He slid the paper off the counter and held it up in front of his face, peeling his confused eyes from his mother's and looking down at the paper. There wasn't much on the paper, two listings of names and very little information underneath them. It was the names that had him staring at the page with wide eyes. The first name was Johannah Amelia Poulston and the second Johannah Freya Poulston. "Is this..."

"I could only find two people with the same name that lived here the year you were born. They've both moved, though I'm not sure if those are current addresses or not." Anne explained, taking a seat beside Louis. "If you know how old she is, then we'll be able to tell which is her." She went on but Louis was still stuck on the fact that he had her information in front of him. One of these people was his biological mother. He could possibly go talk to his biological mother.

"She was fifteen when she had me." Louis mumbled, still a little shocked. Anne thought for a moment as Louis stared down at the paper. Johannah Amelia Poulston was born May 23rd, 1971 and now lived in London, or at least that was her last known address. Johannah Freya Poulston was born February 16th, 1976 and her last known address was in Doncaster. There wasn't any other information on either of them, no picture or anything and Louis found that it wasn't enough. He wanted to know more. He needed to know more about her.

"This one would have been fifteen in Nineteen-ninety one." Anne spoke quietly, pointing to Johannah Freya Poulston's name. Louis could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he sat there with his mother, his eyes running over the information again and again. Could this really be happening? Was he really considering going to meet his biological mother?

"How'd you find this?" He asked, finally setting the paper down and looking to his mother. She smiled sweetly at him, reaching up and pushing his hair back behind his ear.

"I have my ways." Was all she said then leaned forward and kissed his forehead. Her lips were warm on his skin and lingered longer than they normally would have but he didn't mind. Instead he slipped his arms around her waist and held her close because he wanted her to know that no matter what happened, she would always be his mother. He might go meet this Johannah person and they might talk and laugh, but Anne would always be his mother. Nothing could change that on his end.

"I love you, Mum." He mumbled into her shoulder.

"I love you too, baby." She replied, rubbing up and down his back before pulling away and regarding her son. Her eyes were roaming his face, going from his eyes to his chin then back up to his hair where a small smile spread across her lips. "We really need to get you in for a haircut." She mumbled, receiving a groan from Louis.

"Mum," He complained because he was twenty years old and he could decide for himself if he wanted to grow his hair long or not.

"What? I don't want Johannah thinking I've raised a slob." She said playfully but Louis had to wonder if she was really okay with this.

"Are you sure you're okay with this? I don't have to go, you know. I'm happy with who I have now." Louis told her but she only smiled in return.

"Of course, Louis. I think it'd be good for you to meet her." She replied.

"Meet who?" Came a new voice, one Louis didn't have to look to know who it belonged to. Harry was standing in the door way to the kitchen, Zayn and Niall behind him.

"Mum, uh, she found Johannah." Louis said, wondering if Harry would even remember who that was. Harry's eyebrows lifted, being hidden underneath his dark curls. Speaking of haircuts... Why wasn't Harry being pushed into getting one?

"And you're going to meet her?" Harry asked. Zayn and Niall were trying to peer over Harry's shoulder but Harry was too tall for them to see anything so they just pushed him through the doorway and stumbled in after him.

"I don't know yet. I- I need to think about all this." He replied because it was a bit much to process all at once and make a decision on.

"And that's okay, baby. Just let us know when you decide. If you want any of us to come with you or if you want to go alone, that's fine." Anne said, pushing Louis' hair from his face one last time before standing and grabbing her bag from where she placed it on the floor. Louis didn't think he'd want to bring his mother if he decided to go meet Johannah. Not for the first time at least. If he did go and things went well, maybe one day, but he was getting ahead of himself. She may not even be in Doncaster and she may have changed her mind about wanting to meet him one day.

Anne left the room shortly after, placing a kiss on each of her son's head and ruffling up Zayn and Niall's hair. Zayn smiled at her but as soon as she left his smile fell and his hands went straight to his hair, playing with it to assess the damage and try to re-style it, Louis tried not to laugh. The four boys stood in silence for a minute, Louis staring at the counter because there was no way he was going to speak first. He hadn't done anything.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Harry finally muttered, slumping into the stool across from Louis. "I was being a twat, a jerk... I suck." Harry admitted, picking at his finger nail and risking glances up at Louis as they sat there in more silence. Louis had already forgiven him but it was fun to see him sweat like this, as if Louis would actually _not_ forgive him.

"Well, just try to be less twatty in the future." Louis said, sending Harry a small smile that Harry returned. "Look, I was talking to Liam and I want you guys to know I'm- I'm not depressed, okay?" Louis explained, looking to each set of eyes in the room. "I'm not. I may have been upset about the letter, but I was never depressed. I don't want you guys worrying about me and I want you to just tell me when you are. Don't try all this shit to try and get me to talk, okay?" Harry and Zayn both nodded, looking a bit sheepish for being caught trying to be sneaky but when Louis looked to Niall, Niall was looking at Louis with an odd look, a considering look, like he wasn't sure whether to believe Louis. It's not like Louis was flat out lying here, so he didn't know why that look was making him so nervous. "What?" Louis asked nervously.

"Huh? What? Sorry," Niall said, seeming to snap out of whatever thought he got lost in. "Yeah, I understand that. I was just- Well, see, Josh is having a party tonight and I told him we'd be there." He explained. Louis wondered how that had to do with staring at Louis but he didn't question it. He didn't want to start a new discussion. "I just don't want to be... insensitive? If you don't want to go, Louis, I can cancel-"

"No," Louis interrupted because he was tired of all this sentimental bullshit. He just wanted to have a good time and forget about everything for a little bit and what better place to do that than at a party? "I want to go, it'll be fun. Call Liam." Louis instructed, standing from his chair, folding the paper with his biological mother's address on it and slipping it into the pocket of his jumper.

"Are you sure?" Harry questioned, seeming a bit sceptical.

"Yes!" Louis assured, dragging it out into a whine. "I want to have fun, okay? Come on, let's get ready." Louis said, leaving them in the kitchen and rushing upstairs to go take a shower.

 

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"...Clingy, you know?" Louis heard Liam's voice come into earshot as he descended the staircase. Niall must have called him over when Louis was in the shower. He wasn't planning on eaves dropping, he was planning on going right in but then he heard his name and he just kind of stopped outside the kitchen. "Louis won't- I mean, like- I don't know." Liam sighed and even though he couldn't see him or who he was talking to, he could imagine Liam shaking his head in frustration. "No one likes clingy, Haz." Liam continued and he wasn't sure what was worse. The fact that Liam was talking about him behind his back or that he was talking to _Harry_ about him behind his back.

"True... Maybe just distance yourself?" Harry suggested. Louis could feel something bubbling inside him, though he couldn't put a name to it. Betrayal, maybe. Hurt could definitely be used to describe it. Was he really being clingy? He didn't think so, he's been trying so hard to appear normal. Did they suspect something? What did Harry mean by distance yourself'? He didn't get to find out because he saw a shadow coming up the stairs from the basement and then Niall was appearing from them.

"Hey, Niall, what time are we leaving?" Louis asked loudly, loud enough so Harry and Liam would hear him as he slowly moved into the kitchen where Liam and Harry were huddled close together as if they had been talking about something.

"Uh, it’s okay Harry. We both got a little upset." Liam said, his eyes glancing between Harry and Louis. It took Harry a second too long to jump on board but eventually he got the hint.

"Yeah, it- uh, it happens, right? So we're good?" Harry said, smiling at Liam. Liam smiled back and pulled Harry in for a hug.

"Oh, good, you've kissed and made up already." Niall said, grinning at the two. "And we're leaving shortly, Lou." Niall said, turning to Louis. Louis nodded absentmindedly. He couldn't help but look at Liam and Harry, a little worried but they weren't even looking at him.

"Where's Zayn?" Liam asked.

"Upstairs, I'll go get him." Harry offered, shuffling by Liam and out of the kitchen. Niall followed him out, whether he was going to retrieve Zayn as well, it was unknown but either way, it left Liam and Louis alone and he wasn't sure if that was a good thing anymore.

"Um, right, I- I better go get ready as well." Liam said awkwardly backing up out of the kitchen and then there was just Louis in the kitchen, left to think about what he just heard. He obviously had to back off, he couldn't risk anyone thinking he was being clingy with Liam. That wouldn't help with keeping his secret, so if distance was what Liam wanted... Then he supposed he had to give it to him.

 

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Louis wasn't having the best time at the party, not like he thought he would. He was hoping for a night of laughing and dancing, some fun that would keep his mind off everything, but it wasn't happening. Instead he was sitting on the couch in the living room watching other people have fun, and they _were_ having fun, he could tell. There were couples dancing to the music, well it was more like they were dry-humping each other but Louis wasn't one to judge. There were people huddled in little groups, drinking and talking loudly, laughing every once in a while. There were couples in corners, eating each other's faces and running their hands over the other, accidentally lifting up clothing and knocking into things. There was a loud game of beer pong going on behind him and he couldn't see them but he was pretty sure that that was Niall's laugh he heard. It was your typical party scene and Louis usually loved parties, but he just wasn't feeling it tonight. He supposed he had too much on his mind, which was really frustrating him.

It's not like hiding his sexuality is a new thing, he's been doing it ever since he's discovered that about himself. It's never really bothered him before, it should be easy. It should be second nature by now, but it wasn't. He was constantly slipping up, causing all sorts of problems and he knew why, it was all Liam's fault. It was Liam's because Louis' never actually felt this way about someone. Sure, he's had crushes, thought someone was fit but he's never had it where all he's wanted was them. One single person's never made him feel safe and like there was nothing wrong with him. One person had never made him smile by just looking at him. He's never had a stronger desire to just touch him and be close to him so he's not used to controlling these feelings and now he's messed up big time because he was being too 'clingy'.

He hadn't realized before, he thought he was doing okay but apparently not. He didn't think he was being 'clingy', but Liam thought so and that's all that mattered really. He was still a little shocked to have heard Liam talking about him like that. He supposed it wasn't the worst thing he's ever heard about himself but it was the worst coming from Liam and it stung a bit. He really was going to have to get his shit together if he wanted to remain friends with Liam and that's why he was sitting on a couch in the middle of a party, sipping on water so he didn't get all emotional and seek out Liam. In fact he was avoiding all the boys because they might ask why he was avoiding Liam and he wouldn't have an answer for them because he couldn't say 'because I don't want to seem clingy' without raising suspicion.

"Excuse me?" A girl asked from in front of Louis. She was a redhead with long loose curls and Louis was only able to see the green of her eyes when she bent down in front of him, using the arm of the couch to support herself.

"Yeah?" Louis asked, putting on a bored expression because he could already tell what she wanted by the way she was curving her body to expose her chest in a way that allowed him to see down her top. The girl reached out and pushed Louis' hair back even though it wasn't falling in his face and giggled, obviously trying to be cute or seductive or _something_ but it wasn't coming across very well. He tried his best not to shrink away from her, wanting to send the message that he just wasn't interested in _her_ and not girls in general.

"Do you want to dance?" She asked in a low, supposed to be sexy voice but she was too drunk or high or both for it to work. "You've been sitting here all night." She frowned. Louis shook his head.

"I'm not feeling that well, Love." Louis said as an excuse. The redhead pouted, dropping her hand onto Louis' chest and running her finger down his stomach.

"I could make you feel better." She offered, her fingers getting dangerously low. Louis grabbed her hand before it got any lower, holding it away from him and met her eyes.

"I'm good, thanks Love-" He said but then there was a pair of arms sneaking around his neck from behind for a brief second and then Liam was falling over the back of the couch, half in Louis' lap and half on the cushions.

"Loooey!" Liam said, dragging out his name and ending it in a giggle. The girl huffed and snatched her hand away, spinning around and stumbling over to another bloke leaning against the wall. At least he didn't have to feel too bad about shooting her down. Liam adjusted himself on the couch, flipping so he was on his back with his head in Louis' lap. There was something off about him, there was a flush in his cheeks and his pupils were blown out, he had a dopey grin on his face and his movements were sloppy. If Louis didn't know any better he'd say Liam was drunk but Louis _did_ know better so he was slightly confused. "Loooey," Liam said again only this time it was more of a whine.

"Yes?" Louis asked, smiling fondly down at the boy in his lap. He wasn't able to help himself, Liam was adorable like this, all giddy and cuddly. It's not like Louis was initiating it, so this really couldn't be classified as Louis being clingy. At least that's what he was going to tell himself.

"You're comfy." Liam said and now Louis could definitely hear the slur of his words.

"Are you drunk, Payno?" Louis questioned and got his confirmation when Liam giggled and tried to bury his face in Louis' stomach.

"No." He replied but it was muffled by Louis' clothing and the music blasting away. Louis chuckled to himself, running his fingers through Liam's short tuff of hair on the top of his head. Liam hummed in contentment, nuzzling further into Louis and Louis found himself getting lost in the moment, in the warmth of Liam and his soft hair. He just sort of stared down at him, his fingers playing with his hair. He looked happy, completely comfortable so why did he say what he did earlier? And why was he here being all cuddly with Louis when he _did_ say those things? Was he testing Louis? The thought was brief because there was no way Liam would be able to fake being drunk and that's when it sunk in that Liam was _drunk_. Liam was drunk and that was the only reason for this, but he would take it. At least if anyone questioned him about it, he could blame Liam.

"Louis." Liam said, his name sounding normal again.

"Yeah?"

"I don't feel good." He mumbled, looking up at Louis with big, sad eyes. Louis gave him a small amused smile because it was funny to see the tables turned for once.

"No, I don't imagine you do." Louis replied, sweeping his thumb over Liam's temple before going back to his hair.

"I feel icky. Make it stop." He whined, shifting like he was uncomfortable.

"Well, the only way to do that is to sleep it off." Louis explained. "Do you want me to take you home?" Louis asked because it was getting to be that time anyway, it was probably two or three in the morning.

"No." Liam shook his head, making Louis frown. "Mum will be disappointed." Liam said, looking a bit worried about his mother finding out he actually got drunk.

"Alright. I can take you to mine? That sound good?" Louis asked. He felt like he was talking to a child, his tone soft and gentle so as not to upset Liam. Liam nodded but didn't make a move to get up and Louis chuckled. "Li, you kind of have to get up." Liam made a noise of disapproval but scrambled to his feet eventually. It was quite the show as he kicked his feet and hauled himself upright then after a moments rest, stood and nearly toppled over but Louis was right there to catch him. Liam leaned heavily on Louis, making it difficult to move them at all but step by step Liam shuffled his feet, wobbling slightly but using Louis to balance himself. Louis kept an eye out for any of the boys but he didn't see them so he kept going, figuring it'd be easier to get Liam to the truck and then find them.

Slowly but surely they made it to the truck, Louis dumping Liam into the vehicle, seeming completely out of it now that Louis had told him he had to sleep in order to feel better. Louis pulled out his phone, seeing that it was almost three in the morning and dialled Harry's number. There was no answer from him so he tried Zayn as he watched Liam try to do up his seatbelt but fail miserably, missing the buckle over and over again.

"Hello?" Zayn answered. There wasn't much noise in the background so Louis figured he must have stepped outside or maybe he was in the toilet.

"Hey, Liam's drunk so-" Louis started to explain but Zayn was already cutting him off.

"Liam's what?" He asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, I know." Louis chuckled as he watched Liam give up on the seatbelt, letting it go so it smacked against the window, and pouting adorably at his feet. "He says he's not feeling well so I'm taking him back to mine. I could come back for you guys or if you want to round up Harry and Niall, we could wait a few minutes."

"Nah, I haven't had much to drink, I'll make sure they get home." Zayn replied. "Just get him home and take care of him."

"Okay, see you later." Louis hung up the phone, slipping it into his pocket, seeing Liam still pouting at his shoes. Louis opened his door, grabbed the seatbelt and buckled him in. He had to lean over Liam to do so and just as the buckle clicked in, he felt Liam's arms sneak their way awkwardly around his torso, squeezing him tight.

"Thank you, Louis." Liam mumbled, squeezing him even tighter. Louis definitely didn't mind getting a hug from Liam, it was just a little tight and the angle was awkward with his ass sticking out the door. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, you're amazing." Liam mumbled.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, but you’ve got to let me go so I can get in." Louis explained, pulling himself away, Liam's arms dropping to his side with a small pout. Liam pouted for as long as it took Louis to circle the truck and hop into the driver's seat. When he was buckled in Liam rolled his head to the side, smiling at Louis who returned it because he couldn't _not_ return it, and reached for his hand. Liam flipped Louis' hand so he could thread their fingers together and just continued to smile at him. Louis felt the heat rushing to his cheeks and was a little confused as to what was going on but then he realized Liam himself probably didn't know what was going on so he just went with it, squeezing Liam's hand and sending him a smile before starting up the truck and pulling away from the curb.

The drive wasn't long but Liam seemed to grow bored and started fiddling with the radio controls, then the heat controls at which Louis smacked his hand away because they did not need to make it hotter when it was the middle of summer. When Liam grew bored of the controls he undid his seatbelt and slid over to the middle and tried to do up the one in the middle. Louis had to do it for him, trying to feel for the buckle while keeping his eyes on the road. When he successfully got it buckled, Liam smiled again and slipped his arms around Louis' waist, leaning his head on Louis' shoulder and mumbling out a 'thanks'. Apparently Liam was a needy, touchy drunk, not that he was complaining.

When they pulled into the driveway, getting Liam out of the truck was a little more difficult than getting him in, mostly due to the fact that he was apparently comfy and really didn't want to move but Louis dragged him out anyway and practically dragged him inside as well with Liam basically using Louis as a crutch. They stumbled through the door, Louis flinching when the door swung open and made a loud banging noise that echoed through the house when it hit the wall behind it. Liam didn't seem to notice though and soon Louis was helping him up the stairs with great difficulty.

He doesn't think he's ever been on this side of the drunken climb to his room, usually it's him being practically carried to his bed. It was definitely an experience and he would be sure to go around and specially thank anyone who's ever done it for him because it was no simple task. Liam seemed adamant on making things increasingly difficult, hanging off Louis and nearly sending them both toppling down the steps. He was thankful when they made it to the top and there was only a few more steps until they were pushing through Louis' closed door, Liam hitting his head on the door frame on the way through. He didn't appear to notice though, he just kept going, his arm thrown over Louis' shoulder until they were standing next to the bed.

"Louis," Liam mumbled, turning slightly to look down at Louis. "Louis, Louis, Louis." He repeated, a dopey smile on his face. Louis had his arm stretched across his back, though now with this new angle it was more like he was holding Liam to his chest.

"Yes?" He asked, not really complaining about the distance between them, or lack thereof. He doubted Liam would remember small details like this and if he did well, it wasn't really his fault. Liam hummed, smiling down at Louis but he didn't say anything and they just kind of stood there, looking at each other. Liam's eyes lazily looked over Louis' face, he was obviously going to fall asleep any second and Louis figured he should get him into bed before that happened. "Maybe you should lay down, Li." Louis suggested, glancing towards the bed.

"I love you." Liam mumbled, his eyes meeting Louis'. It was a little frightening how fast his heart rate had picked up with those words, his throat going dry because did Liam just say that? Did he just say he loved him? Did he just- oh. He meant he loved him like a friend. Of course he did.

"I- I l-love you too, Li." Louis stuttered out, trying his best to push a smile to his lips and keep his eyes on Liam's so he didn't give anything away. Liam's smile grew and Louis was a little worried about the way his heart fluttered at that but then Liam's smile was fading and Louis sort of panicked for a second because there was a questioning look in his eyes. Did he give away too much?

"Really?" Liam asked quietly, his eyes never leaving Louis'. Louis tried to come up with an answer but he felt like he couldn't breathe. He wasn't sure if it was because it sort of hurt to tell Liam those words but have him think it was only friendship or if it was the fact that his face, his _lips_ were merely inches away from his. Maybe it was both, but either way he couldn't speak, he couldn't move, he couldn't do anything but stare back into Liam's nearly black eyes, only a thin golden brown ring framing his pupil. His speech and mobility issues definitely didn't improve when Liam leaned forward, hesitantly at first, and then Liam's lips were on his, soft and warm and tasting of alcohol but wonderful all the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think and please leave kudos if you liked it! Thanks for reading! :)


	16. Chapter 15

For a moment Louis just got caught up in the kiss, like he normally did around Liam. He just wasn't able to think clearly around the bloke and really, that just wasn't fair. It wasn't fair because that made it harder for him to act the way he was supposed to act and it made people suspicious. He knew what he was doing was a bad idea, he knew the second he kissed Liam back he had just blown his whole act to bits. He knew he could have just pushed Liam away, pretend to be upset or even just laugh it off as a drunken mistake but he didn't. He _should_ have, but he didn't. He didn't because he wanted this, he wanted this more than he knew and now that he was getting it, he wasn't going to push it away.

Of course he wasn't thinking with his brain, he was thinking on instinct and instinct was telling him to kiss Liam back so he did. He did and he earned the most wonderful sound from Liam, a sound of surprise and content that quickly got muffled as Liam deepened the kiss, his arm around Louis' shoulder sliding down so his hand was gripping the back of his neck and holding him there as if Liam thought Louis might run. Louis didn't even have time to think about what was going on or what it all meant. All he had time to think about, all he _wanted_ to think about was Liam's warm lips pressing more and more urgently against Louis', his fingers slipping into the hair at the nape of his neck and his chest pressed flush against Louis'. Liam was all he could think about, Liam was all that filled his senses at the moment.

All he could feel was the warmth radiating off Liam, from his hand on his neck to his lips and chest pressed against his own. All he could taste was the alcohol on Liam's tongue as he licked open Louis' lips gently, shyly asking to be allowed in and against all reason, Louis let him. All he could hear was the quiet smacking of their lips and the tiny noises that would come from the back of Liam's throat, vibrating the kiss slightly. All he could smell was Liam's cologne, intoxicating and so good it made his head spin and although he couldn't see anything because his eyes had fallen shut to just enjoy every part, he knew right now, right here in this moment is where they both wanted to be.

It was in the way Liam clung to him, his left hand on his neck and his right on his hip, holding him close so he couldn't get away. It was in the way Liam kept the kiss going, deepening it with every second and tearing away any doubt in Louis' mind that this was a bad idea. It's almost like Liam knew somehow. Like he knew that Louis could jump away and run at any moment, and really that's what he should have done but with the way Liam was gripping him, silently asking him to just stay and let this happen, he stopped thinking about it all together. He didn't think about anyone finding out and his family not accepting him for it. He didn't think about losing everyone because he had Liam. He had Liam right here, right now, kissing him like he's wanted to just as long as Louis had, so why would he worry about anything else besides Liam?

Louis only pulled away when Liam bit at his bottom gently because he wasn't sure where this was heading but he knew he wouldn't be allowing it to head in _that_ direction when Liam was drunk of his arse. Liam's lips chased Louis' though and Louis gave in for a moment, giving him a quick kiss before pulling away for good to see Liam with a lazy smile on his lips. Louis couldn't help but smile because he was honestly just so happy now. He really couldn't believe this was happening but it was and Liam loved him.

"Li-Liam, I- What-" Louis stuttered, trying to say something because he felt like someone should but he was a little too overwhelmed at the moment.

"I've wanted to tell you for so long," Liam explained. "I was afraid I- I was even afraid to tell you I was gay, never mind that I've had a crush on you for _years_ now." Liam admitted. Louis smiled because now he could tell Liam was trying very hard to focus and to not slur his words. He was doing a pretty good job of it but Louis could still tell. "And I don't want y-you to be up-upset but I w-was so-"

"Li, it's okay." Louis cut him off because he could tell he was beginning to ramble and even though all Louis wanted to do right now is talk with Liam about everything, he really should be getting him into bed and he really didn't think this was a conversation they should have when Liam was drunk. They could talk in the morning when Liam was all sobered up and able to think clearly. "We'll talk tomorrow, yeah? You need to get to sleep." Louis explained, earning a pout from Liam. "No, no. None of that, get in bed." Louis instructed. Liam giggled at this, sinking down onto the bed.

"You could at least buy me dinner first." He said, giggling some more and even though Louis found it incredibly adorable, he rolled his eyes at him as he tucked him in.

"Oh, how very clever of you." Louis mumbled, smiling down at a still giggling Liam. Once he was tucked in, Louis hesitated for a second before leaning down and kissing Liam on the cheek before turning away to sleep on the couch.

"Where are you going?" Liam asked before he even got two steps from the bed. Louis turned around with a confused looked directed at Liam but Liam just lifted the blankets as an offer and smiled with a shrug. "It's your bed." Louis hesitated only for a second before slipping into the bed beside Liam. He was going to give Liam some space because he still wasn't sure where they stood or what was going on but then Liam was cuddling into Louis' side and who was he to deny Liam cuddles?

Louis couldn't believe this was happening, he was honestly waiting to wake up because there was no way Liam feels the same way. There was no way he's felt this way for 'years' and has never said anything. Hell, Louis' been going nuts after just realizing this summer, he couldn't imagine what Liam must have gone through trying to hide that from everyone. It wasn't easy but Liam apparently did a good job because Louis had no idea. He wished he had noticed or that Liam had told him then maybe they could have done something about it. Maybe they'd be together today, sneaking stolen kisses and sharing knowing glances and small touches. It would've been great. Maybe everything could be that way now. Maybe that's what Liam will want tomorrow when he wakes up. Louis couldn't wait.

Liam was quickly drifting off, Louis could tell by the way his breathing was evening out and by the way he seemed to relax more and more onto Louis. Louis shifted slightly so he could get his hand up and play with Liam's hair, twisting the short hairs around his fingers and smiling at the way Liam sighed in contentment. It was sort of perfect, this moment, laying there with Liam falling asleep in his arms, Louis only wished it had lasted a bit longer.

"I’m so happy, Louis." Liam mumbled sleepily. Louis smiled down at him even though his eyes were shut. It just made Louis happy to hear Liam was happy, especially in the current situation, but Louis' smile fell when Liam continued, his words mumbled and trailing off as he fell asleep. "I can't wait to tell the boys." Was what he said right before he fell asleep, tucked into Louis' side with his hand resting on Louis' stomach.

Louis froze in his spot, his eyes going wide as he stared down at a sleeping Liam. Tell the boys? _Tell the boys_? They couldn't tell the boys, they couldn't tell anyone. That couldn't happen. That- _This_ couldn't happen. What was he thinking? He obviously wasn't thinking, he never did around Liam. They couldn't do this, they couldn't take this anywhere. They'd never be able to hide it from them and apparently Liam didn't plan on hiding it from anyone. He was obviously going to tell them, he said so himself, and then they'd know Louis was gay. What had he done? He just threw away his life. With one little kiss, he just ruined his whole life. He would lose everyone he cared about; Harry, Gemma, Anne and Robin. He would lose Zayn, Niall and Lia-

But he wouldn't lose Liam. Liam was in the same boat as him, wasn't he? They'd be doing it together. They'd be in it together, right? When everyone pushed them away they would still have each other. It made the thought more bearable but it wasn't enough. His whole life he's wanted nothing more than a family that loved him and he couldn't just throw that away because of some silly feeling that could easily be ignored, at least he thought they'd be easily ignored... hoped.

Louis started to panic, he couldn't believe this was happening. He couldn't sit here any longer. He needed to move, he needed to get away. He needed to go somewhere, anywhere but here. He couldn't be by Liam, he had to be alone. He needed to _think_. Louis gently pulled back the covers, his slow movements contradicting his racing heart. When the covers were back, resting on Liam, Louis swung his legs out, slowly twisting out of Liam's hold on him and slipping out of the bed. When he turned around again to pull the covers back up properly, he made the mistake of looking down at Liam again. Liam was sleeping soundly, his arms loosely fallen against the bed now that Louis wasn't there. He looked so peaceful, so calm and soft. Louis really wanted to climb back into bed but then Liam's words were shooting through his mind and he was bending down, pulling the covers up to his chin and lightly kissing his cheek.

Louis moved quickly through the room, grabbing a backpack and shoving some clothes into it. He didn't really realize what he was even doing until he had a bag stuffed with clothes, his jumper pulled over his head and his wallet stuffed into his pocket. He was leaving, he had to. It was leave now and spare himself the humiliation or be kicked out in the morning when Liam told everyone what had happened between them. He might as well do everyone a favour, spare the awkwardness and just leave tonight without anyone knowing until it was too late. Louis took one last glance around the room to see if he missed anything, of course a lot of his stuff was still there, he couldn't fit his whole room in his backpack. He didn't really spot anything until his eyes landed on his desk where there was a picture frame, one of those ones with multiple frames in one.

He knew he couldn't take the whole thing but he did make his way over, flipping the frame over and removed the pictures from it. Before slipping them into his bag he looked them over, there being three of them. The first one was of Harry, Liam, Zayn and himself, all huddled together in front of a park they used to hang out at. They were all smiling at the camera, himself giving Liam bunny ears and he remembers taking that photo. He remembers Liam grumbling when he saw what he had done and he remembers Harry joking about how when someone did that it meant they wanted to kiss you. He also remembers, now that he thought about it, Liam going incredibly red and wondered how he had missed it all this time.

The next one was of Anne, Robin, Louis and what he believes was Gemma's foot, sitting around the Christmas tree when he was fourteen, having just turned. Harry was taking the picture, which explains its sloppy angle and Gemma being cut out of it but it was still one of his favourites. That year was his first ever Christmas with his first real family. He remembers being so surprised that they all got him a gift; Anne giving him his first iPod, Robin a PlayStation and Harry and Gemma each gave him a game for the PlayStation though he knows Robin and Anne actually bought them. He remembers being happy about the gifts but he remembers being even happier that he had a family because really, that was the best gift of all.

The last one was of Harry, Gemma and Louis when Louis was sixteen. They were stood in front of the house, Gemma and Harry in front with Louis behind them, holding up Gemma's long hair in attempt to cover his own face. You could see the goofy look on his face so it obviously didn't do a very good job. Harry was caught with his hand over his mouth, trying to hide his laugh like he often did back then because he was a little insecure about it and Gemma was caught mid- eye-roll, making it look like she was possessed or something. He remembers Anne telling them to cut it out because she just wanted a nice picture of the three of them, and she did it get it, eventually.

Louis wasn't even aware he was crying until he saw a tear drop falling onto the last picture, blurring Harry's face. Louis sniffled, taking a deep breath as he wiped at his wet cheeks, willing the tears away as he wiped at the picture with his sleeve. He slipped the pictures into his bag carefully, then threw it over his shoulder and left the room, sparing Liam on last glance before quietly closing the door. Louis made his way down the stairs, his blurry eyes making it difficult to see but he didn't need to see to maneuver his way around this house, he knew it well enough to walk around here with a blindfold and that just had more tears spilling from his eyes. He would never be able to come back here, he wouldn't be welcome in his home again. He has so many memories here and his last one will be of him leaving in the middle of the night.

When Louis left the house, he didn't look back, he couldn't. He just kept walking down the driveway and down the sidewalk. He didn't know where he was going, he didn't have a plan; he just knew he couldn't stay there. He had fucked that up royally and now he was paying for it. He could go back to Uni, his tuition and everything was already paid for and it was non-refundable so Anne and Robin wouldn't get the money back anyway, but the thought of going back there felt wrong. It felt like he wasn't really leaving and he needed to. He needed to leave and be done with it or it would end up hurting everyone even more.

So for now he would just walk around until he knew what to do. He didn't know how long that would be but he was thankful that the weather wasn't being a cliché right now with pouring rain and thunder. No, it was actually a nice night, a slight breeze that would have given him a slight chill if it weren't for the jumper he had grabbed. The sky was clear, the stars twinkling in the dark sky and it was kind of calming it helped clear his head of the storm it was currently in.

In a matter of a few seconds his life changed drastically. Because of a few seconds, he had lost his family, the one thing he's ever wanted and actually had for a while, was gone, and it was all his fault. He couldn't even bring himself to blame Liam even a little bit because it was all on him. It wasn't Liam's fault that Louis couldn't control himself. It wasn't Liam's fault that Louis was attracted to guys. It was Louis', he had no one to blame but himself.

Louis wasn't sure how long he had been walking but soon he heard his phone chime, saying he had a message. Louis wiped at his face again, digging into his jean pocket and pulled out his phone. It was a message from Harry and as he read the first message, another came through.

 **Hazza** _Im drunk im home and I needd watre_

_Warte**_

_Waterr**_

_Ah fuck it Plz brinng me taht clear liquid stuff_

Message after message came through, horribly misspelled, making Louis' heart ache because Harry had no idea. He had no idea yet and would probably be crushed when he found out. Not necessarily crushed that he left, but crushed that Louis was who he was because that's not the brother he grew up with and grew to love. About a minute later another stream of messages came through.

 **Hazza** _Where r u???_

_Y is Li in ur bed?_

_Loooouuuuu I need watre_

_The stairs r 2 hard 2 go down_

Louis kept walking as he watched message after message come through, begging Louis to get Harry some water. Tears were coming to his eyes again as he read the messages. He was going to miss Harry, he was going to miss him so much. Harry was his best mate, his brother. He had made Louis feel wanted when he felt like there wasn't a person in the world who wanted him, and he would never see him again.

 **Zayn** _Go get ur bro water. Im not going back there._

Another message came through, making Louis stop in his tracks, his hand shaking with the new flood of tears.

 **Hazza** _I think I woke up mum_

_I tripped on teh stairs and hit the wall_

_Im sorry_

**Niall** _Tell Haz to stop texting me, I'm trying to sleep!_

_Is Li okay?_

**Hazza** _I got ym water no thx 2 u_

Louis turned his phone off, unable to handle anymore. They were all clueless as to where he was, where he was going and what was going on. He wondered if they would be sad or just pissed off when they found out but decided it wouldn't help to think about that. Instead he pocketed his phone and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. When he looked up he saw that he was standing in front of a twenty four hour corner shop, the bright light blurring in his vision. Louis dug into his jumper pocket, grabbing his wallet and checking to see if he had any cash on him. He didn't, unfortunately and he wasn't going to use his credit card to buy a bottle of water. Instead he shoved it back in his pocket and was about to keep walking when he noticed a piece of paper on the ground.

Louis bent down to pick it up, unfolding the paper with shaky fingers. He recognized the two names immediately and the address of his biological mother and remembered he had shoved it in his jumper before the party. It must have fallen out when he took out his wallet. Louis crumpled the paper in his hand, shoving his hand in his pocket and kept walking. He still had no idea where he was going or what to do when he got there but he couldn't stay still. He had to keep moving, but as he was walking he gripped the piece of paper in his hand tighter and tighter, trying to ignore the urge to bring it back out and read it over. The paper was like holding onto a hot coal, burning his hand until he gave in and brought it out and read it over. Doncaster, she was supposedly in Doncaster right now.

Louis didn't know if he was going mad or if he was just feeling lonely and hoping that somehow this will fix that but the next thing he knew he was turning down a street that he knew would eventually lead him to a bus station.

 

                                      *                  *                  *

 

Louis sat at the bus station, his ticket held firmly in his hand that rested on his knee. His leg was jiggling up and down, the events of the night not allowing him to sit still. His nerves were at an all-time high at the moment, he couldn't believe he was doing this. Most of all he couldn't believe he was doing this _tonight_. He thought maybe he figured that he might as well pile all his biggest problems on at once, at least that way he could deal with them all at once rather than get over one only to have the other blow up in his face. That was the only reason he could think of as to why he had just bought a ticket to Doncaster so he could randomly just show up at her doorstep and say 'Hey, I'm the son you dumped on the doorstep of an orphanage! Do you remember me?’.

He wasn't thinking, obviously. It seemed to be the theme tonight so he decided to just roll with it. He knew this would have to be done anyway, he knew he wouldn't be able to just throw that piece of paper out, not without at least trying. Maybe he was hoping this would be a nice distraction from him losing his family, he didn't know. All he knew was that in fifteen minutes he would be stepping onto the bus that would be bringing him to Doncaster where he would hopefully find his biological mother, or maybe hopefully not. He didn't know what he wanted at the moment.

He's been sitting here for three hours, the clock on the wall saying it was nearly seven in the morning. He felt exhausted. Not only had he been to a party and then walked around the city for God knows how long, he hadn't been to sleep yet and he could feel it taking its toll on him. He was nearly falling asleep here in the chair but he kept himself awake because he didn't want to miss his bus. He could sleep on the bus if he wanted, surely they would wake everyone up when they arrived in Doncaster. He hope they would anyway.

"Bus seven to Doncaster, South Yorkshire, England, now boarding." Came a voice over the intercom, startling Louis slightly. Louis jumped out of his seat, grabbing his bag and making his way over to the terminal, handing over his ticket to the lady by the entryway. The lady waved him in with a polite smile and then he was stepping onto the bus, looking for a seat to sit in. There weren't a lot of people on board yet; only a mother and her two children, a business man and an elderly woman. Louis took a seat near the back, settling in and setting his bag beside him so no one would sit by him. If the bus got too full, he would move it but for now, it stayed.

Louis didn't end up having to more his bag, only about ten other people came on after him, all of them spreading out amongst the seats and soon they were pulling out of the bus station, heading to Doncaster. It was only about a two hour drive so he wouldn't get a lot of sleep, but Louis settled down into his seat anyway, trying to push thoughts of his family and Liam to the back of his mind and tried to keep his nerves to a minimum in hopes of getting at least a little bit of sleep.

It must have worked at some point because the next thing he knew, the elderly woman from when he first got on was shaking him awake, smiling down at him telling him they were here. Louis thanked the woman and grabbed his bag, following her off the bus and out of the station completely. Now, Louis had no idea where he was going, he's never been to Doncaster before and he was certain he would get lost if he tried to make his way around town on his own, so he hopped in one of the taxies that were conveniently parked outside the bus station and told him the address instead of trying to find his own way there.

Now that he was actually in Doncaster and actually heading to the address on the paper, it was growing harder and harder to just push his nerves aside. He was about to meet her, or possibly meet her, he reminded himself because she could have moved a long time ago. Louis was still nervous as hell because there was still the possibility of it being her and then what did he do? What was he even doing? Why did he come here? He really needed to start thinking before acting, it was getting him into a lot of trouble.

The ride to the address was too short in Louis' opinion and soon he was being dumped on the side of the road with his bag over his shoulder, staring up at small home with a little blue car in the drive way. It was about half past nine, nearly ten in the morning and the sun was just beginning to heat everything up, including Louis, though that could of just been his nerves. He wasn't sure how long he had stood there in front of the house, but he probably looked like a complete weirdo to anyone who saw him. It was just- He was about to meet her. Forgetting the fact that it might not be her, he focused on it being her and that had him chewing on his lip nervously.

All his concerns from before came rushing back to his mind. What if she didn't want him to come looking for her? What if she didn't like him? What if he wasn't what she was expecting? What would he do then? He'd probably break, to be honest. He wasn't sure he could handle rejection at this point, which didn't make sense to him at all why he chose to come here, but he just felt like this is what he should do. He couldn't tell you why, it was just a feeling and he really didn't have any other ideas.

Finally, Louis put one foot in front of the other, slowly walking up to the door, his hand freezing before it could knock on the door. He took a deep breath and tried again, his knuckles lightly tapping against the wood of the door. At first he didn't think it'd be loud enough to hear but then he heard a thumping noise, as if someone were running to the door. When the door flew open, it wasn't what he was expecting. It was a little girl with light brown hair and wide blue eyes blinking up at him, her little hands gripping the door still. It all happened so fast that Louis didn't really have time to process it before the door was opening even more, revealing a pregnant woman that was looking down at the little girl.

"Daisy, what have I told you about answering the door without me?" The woman scolded and then she was looking up at Louis, her blue eyes locking with Louis' and Louis actually felt his breath being knocked out of him as she smiled at him. He didn't know how he knew, but he knew. It was her. "Hi, can I help you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think and please leave kudos if you think it's worth it! Thanks for reading! :)


	17. Chapter 16

"Um, Sir?" She asked because it must have been at least a minute and Louis was just standing there, staring at her. He just couldn't find his voice. It was her. She was standing right in front of him, asking how she could help him and he couldn't speak. He didn't know how he knew it was her, maybe it was her nose, maybe it was her eyes or her hair and that she actually did look like him, but he just knew. He had so many questions, so many things to say to her, yet he couldn't make any words form. This was a bad idea. Hell, the whole night had been a bad idea. How did he go from being at a party, to being with the boy he loved, to losing his family, to ending up staring at his biological mother like a fish in a fishbowl? Why did he come here? He shouldn't have come here. Why did he think he could do this? He couldn't do this.

Louis' feet were way ahead of his brain, one of them stepping back, blindly searching for the step and only finding it when he stumbled back, nearly falling on his ass. The woman, Johannah, blinked at him, a confused expression crossing her face as her hands found the little girl's shoulder and held her close, probably protecting her from the crazy man who knocked on their door. Louis assumed she was going to pull the little girl inside and slam the door shut, he would of, but she didn't. Instead she bent down beside the little girl, whispering something in her ear and then she was running off into the house. Johannah straightened up, her arms crossing over her chest as she regarded Louis who was still backing up down the walkway, unable to look away. It wasn't until she opened her mouth to speak that Louis turned around, ducking his head and shoving his hands in his pockets. He was hoping he'd somehow become invisible, that she would just let him leave and forget the strange man that came up to her door and stared at her without a word for a couple minutes. Unfortunately, he had no such luck.

"Excuse me?" Came her voice from right behind him, she was following him. "Are you okay? Can I help you with anything?" She asked, putting a hand on his arm and pulling slightly to turn him around. For some reason he let her, not having much fight in him at the moment. Her face softened when he was fully turn, probably just noticing the tears that were beginning to burn his eyes. She rested her hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly. "What's the matter?" She asked but Louis remained silent, quietly looking her over. She was a little shorter than him with long brown hair, the same colour as his, her eyes were the same blue-grey as his that were regarding him with sympathy even though she had no idea who he was. Maybe the resemblance wasn't as evident as Louis thought, maybe he only noticed because he was looking for it but either way, he could still see they had the same nose and bone structure. She was quite small, kind of like he's always been, for a boy at least, and was definitely pregnant judging by the round belly on an otherwise small person.

"What's your name, love?" She asked softly, giving Louis a reassuring smile. Louis wondered why she as being so nice to a random stranger. She probably saw what a mess he was and was worried he'd go walk out in front of traffic or something. He could imagine what he looked like at the moment after crying all night and sleeping on a bus. Louis met her eyes for a long moment, willing his voice to come to him. When it did, he winced at the scratchiness, certain she didn't hear him.

"Louis." He said so quietly, his voice low and scratchy and barely audible. Johannah still smiled, nodding her head.

"Louis," She repeated. "Louis, what's the-"

"Louis William Tomlinson-Twist." He interrupted her and like that her smile vanished, her eyes going wide and wild, looking Louis over in a hurry as her hand retracted from his shoulder in shock. He was positive this was the part where she told him to leave, where she told him that he should have never come here, that she never wanted him to come here, but she didn't. Louis was shocked to say the least when she reached out again and pulled him into her arms, holding him close to her. Louis was a little taller than she was so his head hung easily over her shoulder, her round belly making it a bit awkward. Louis didn't hug her back, and not because he didn't want to because he really didn't know if he wanted to or not, but because he was just too shocked, too emotionally confused at the moment to do much of anything.

The hug didn't last long, maybe five or ten seconds, but Louis let her hug him because this was obviously hard for her as well if the sniffling in his ear was anything to go by. She pulled away with wet cheeks, wiping at them with her hand and sniffling her nose. She took an obvious step back, taking deep breaths to calm herself.

"I'm sorry, I- I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." She apologized, stilling trying to keep her eyes dry. "I- I just- I-" She seemed about as speechless as Louis felt and eventually just gave up, resorting to just staring right back at Louis, not bothering to wipe her face anymore.

Louis couldn't tell you what he felt in that moment. There were too many emotions swirling inside of him. Too many emotions that just didn't make sense to him. He felt relieved but at the same time tense and unsure, like yeah, she was obviously happy to see him but what would happen now? He felt happy that he found her and she hadn't pushed him away, yet, but he still felt the crippling sadness that was growing inside of him all night. He felt angry with her for what she did to him but he couldn't find it in him to show her. He was so confused on how to feel right now.

"Did you want to come in?" She asked after a long moment of silence. Did he want to go in? He supposed it would be rather silly of him to come all this way, say his name and leave. Louis looked to his feet, nodding his head slightly as he scuffed his shoe against the concrete, sniffling his nose. Johannah lead him inside the house, closing the door behind him and waiting for him to take off his shoes. The inside of the house looked bigger than the outside, a long hallway that stretched back into what looked like a kitchen, different openings along the way. To the right was a wooden staircase that lead upstairs, pictures lining the wall on the way up. He couldn't see specific details but there were four portraits of different girls, a photo of Johannah and another man and one of all of them together. Obviously this was her family and they looked happy. Louis had to bite down the bit of jealousy he felt stir inside him, he really did not need to add that to the list of emotions he felt at the moment.

"Did you want some tea?" She asked as she led him down the hall, taking a left into what looked like a living room with a couple couches placed in an 'L' shape around a coffee table with a television in the corner. She seemed to have calmed down some-what, her voice steady, her tears dried up but he wondered if she was really as much of a wreck as he was on the inside. Louis still didn't have much of a voice so he only nodded and then nodded again when she looked back at him and could actually see his response. "You can have a seat, I'll be right back." She smiled and gestured to the couch and left Louis to go fetch the tea she offered.

Louis took a careful seat on the couch, not wanting to disrupt the blanket thrown over the back of it. His hands were still stuffed in his pockets, pulling his jumper tight around him because he felt as though that was the only thing holding him together right now. He was looking around, spotting more pictures set up on the coffee table and on a shelf by the television. The house resembled his, not in size because Anne and Robin's might as well be a mansion and compared to that, this might as well be a shack. No, it resembled it in the way where everything about it screamed 'home'. There were photos hung up proudly everywhere, knitted blankets thrown over the backs of the couches and folded up at the end, there were toys in the corners and schoolbooks placed carelessly on bookshelves. It looked lived in, like a family lived here and they were happy together. It just had that feel to it. Louis had never really felt that about the homes he went in and out of. It became this thing that he dreamt about until he finally found it at Anne and Robin's. He would miss that feeling.

Louis' eyes landed on a little girl that stood in the entry way, half her body hiding behind the wall with her head poking out. It was the same little girl that answered the door, Louis thought Johannah called her Daisy. Louis tried smiling at her, not wanting to be rude but he's not too sure how that had turned out. Apparently it was enough for her to stop hiding and step into the living room, another little girl following behind her that looked just like her. They were obviously twins and they were obviously both curious as to who was sitting in their living room.

"Hello." Louis spoke gently, making one of the twins grab hold of the other's arm.

"Hello." The one who seemed to be the braver of the two spoke, the one that answered the door. Louis didn't say anything else because he wasn't sure Johannah would want him interacting with her children, but apparently the kids were too curious.

"Who are you?"

"Louis." He answered, glancing to the door Johannah had disappeared through nervously in case Johannah were to come back.

"I'm Daisy. This is my sister Phoebe." She said, stepping forward more and dragging her sister along with her. "Why are you here?" She asked, tilting her head to the side as if examining Louis. Louis wasn't sure what to say. The girl was probably less than ten years old and probably wouldn't understand.

"Uh," Louis stalled, trying to think of something to tell her when Johannah came into the room, a tray with two tea cups, a bowl and a cup of cream on it. She sighed when she spotted the two girls.

"Girls, what did I tell you?" She asked, setting the tray on the coffee table.

"But, Mum-"

"No buts, go on." Johannah interrupted, shooing them away. "Lottie!" She called out, smiling apologetically at Louis before another girl was coming into the room. This one was older, maybe about sixteen with dyed blonde hair and the same blue eyes as her mother, _as Louis_.

"What?" The girl asked, eyeing Louis suspiciously. Again, Louis tried to smile but he really didn't know if he was smiling or just stretching his lips.

"Can you watch your sisters for a while, please?" Johannah asked, taking a seat on the other couch.

"Sharon and I were going to a movie later." The girl complained, crossing her arms over her chest.

"It won't be for long and I'll pay for your movie." Johannah offered, making the girl sigh and nod her head, then with a final glance towards Louis, she disappeared down the hall. Silence fell over the room and Johannah turned to face Louis. Louis refused to look up, afraid he might cry again or do something worse. They were sitting there for what felt like an eternity to Louis but was probably only about thirty seconds.

"Oh, look at you." Johannah whispered, her eyes roaming over Louis. Louis wondered if he was what she expected. He wondered if she was expecting someone taller or chubbier. He wondered if she even ever thought about how he may have turned out to be. Instinct told him probably not but he wasn't sure he could believe that with how she was looking at him right now. "You look nothing like him." She mumbled and Louis wasn't sure who she was talking to; him or herself, so he just ignored the comment. Johannah cleared her throat then, leaning forward to grab a cup of tea. "Do you like sugar or cream in yours?" She asked, pushing the tray towards him. Louis shook his head no because he didn't, he actually hated when people put sugar or cream in theirs even though he wasn't the one who had to drink it, but he didn't even pick up the tea. When Louis glanced up he saw a small amused smile on her lips. "Me either." She agreed, then sipped on her tea.

"So, Louis, um..." She started, not seeming to actually have an idea on what she wanted to talk about. Louis had a few ideas, he had several but he remained quiet, now staring at what was supposed to be his tea. "What brings you- I mean, where did you-" She tried out the beginning of multiple questions, none of them seeming right in the situation. She eventually sighed, setting down her tea and folding her hands in her lap. "Did you come with anyone?" She asked finally, to which Louis just shook his head. He realized he may have been being difficult, not talking and definitely not making it seem like he wanted to be there.

"I'm sorry." She finally said, looking down into her lap, looking ashamed. Louis looked up at this, seeing the regret on her face and for some reason that made him speak.

"You did what you had to." Louis spoke quietly and to his tea.

"I know, but it doesn't mean I haven't regretted it ever since." She replied, her voice conveying how sorry she was. Louis swallowed around a lump in his throat, he was tired of crying.

"How old are your daughters?" Louis asked because he apparently wasn't ready to talk about _that_ yet. Johannah seemed to be taken off guard by the question but seemed to understand what Louis was doing.

"Charlotte's fifteen, Félicité is twelve, almost thirteen and the twins, Daisy and Phoebe are eight." She answered and Louis couldn't help but look to her stomach where she must have noticed because her hand came up to stroke her stomach. "More twins, seven months." She added before Louis could ask. Even in the situation he couldn't help but think about how funny it was that she had two sets of twins when a lot of people pray for twins and don't get them. "How about you? Any siblings?" She asked curiously, probably going along with what Louis wanted to talk about to keep him calm. He just wasn't ready to get into everything else just yet.

"Apparently six of them." Louis mumbled dryly, unable to stop himself. Johannah didn't seem bothered by the comment, or if she was, she didn't show it. "Two. Harry and Gemma." Louis said automatically though he wasn't sure how true that was anymore.

"Good. That's good." Johannah smiled, seeming relieved. "And... what about- your Mum?" She asked awkwardly.

"Anne. Anne and Robin adopted me when I was thirteen." He said. He found it weird how easily it was to talk to her. He didn't know what he was expecting, but he didn't expect to be able to tell her this stuff so easily.

"Thirteen?" She asked, obviously shocked. She was probably expecting him to have been adopted at a younger age. Louis nodded. "Are they nice?" She asked, seeming some-what concerned about the answer.

"Yes, the nicest." Louis replied, remembering he had photo in his bag. He thought for a moment then decided he might as well lay it all on the table, he may never see her again after all. Louis dug into his bag, pulling out the photos and holding them in his hand awkwardly. It took a moment but then she was standing, taking a few steps to sit beside him, leaving a good foot between them. "That's them, the year they adopted me." He explained, showing her the picture of the three of them sitting around the Christmas tree. She smiled and made as if to grab them but then dropped her hands awkwardly at her sides. Louis hesitated for a moment then held them out to her, giving her a small smile. She took them carefully, being careful about holding them at the edges.

"They look nice." She commented, smiling as she looked down at them. "You look happy." Louis really didn't know what to say. He hadn't expected this. He hadn't expected to sit down on her couch, sharing details about his family and showing her pictures. She turned to the next one, carefully placing the other at the back.

"That's Harry and Gemma." Louis spoke quietly, glancing at the picture but mostly focusing on his feet. Johannah gave a small chuckle, glancing over at Louis and then flipping to the next one. "Those are Harry and mine's mates. That's Harry and then Zayn and- and Liam" Louis explained, tripping over Liam's name and pointing to each of them. Johannah nodded, lowering the pictures and looking to Louis.

"Do you always carry these around or did you plan on showing me?" She asked. Louis brought his bottom lip in between his teeth, chewing on it while he thought of what to tell her. Apparently he took too long. "Is there something wrong?" She asked, slight concern in her voice.

"No," Louis said immediately, shaking his head because he wasn't going to get into _that_ with her. "I just- I just remembered I had them. I had no plan." Louis said quietly. A silence fell over them again, the comfortable feeling that had been growing had vanished.

"Louis," Johannah said and Louis could tell by her tone that the happy chit chat was over. "Don't take this the wrong way, because I am glad you came, I never thought- I never thought I'd get to see you but, why are you here?" She asked softly, leaning forward so her elbows were resting on her knees. "I mean, do you have any questions? Like, what were you hoping to get from this?" She asked. He supposed it was a valid question, and he supposed he should have an answer, but he didn't. He didn't know why he came here. He didn't know what he wanted to happen.

"I don't know." He admitted, still staring at the ground. "I- I just- I came here on a whim. I didn't even really think about it, not until you answered the door and- and then I really had no idea why I was here." He explained. She took a moment to consider this, probably just as lost as Louis.

"Do you have any questions you want to ask? I'll try to answer them." She offered but now that he had the chance, all he could remember wanting to know was why, and he knew that already. Johannah sighed when Louis remained silent. "Louis, giving you up was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I didn't want to, but I knew I couldn't take care of you and I've thought about it every day for the past twenty years. There wasn't a day that I didn't wonder where you ended up, if you were adopted by a nice family, what you looked like, what kind of music you liked, what you like on your pizza. Every little thing, I wondered what Louis would have liked." Louis could hear the shake in her voice and could imagine her eyes were filling up with tears, just like his. He found that they were in fact filling with tears when she shifted towards him, placing a gentle hand on his knee and making him look up at her.

"And I'm so, so happy that you have a family that loves you, a family that will take care of you no matter what." She went on, smiling softly. That broke Louis, completely shattering any resolve he had built up. Without meaning to, a sob escaped his mouth as the tears spilled over because he didn't have that anymore. He didn't have his family because of who he was and he hated that. He hated himself. Why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't he still be at home tending to Harry's hangover while secretly laughing at him with Gemma? Why couldn't he still be in the kitchen helping Anne make dinner and sneaking bits of food when she wasn't looking? Why couldn't he be sitting on the couch with Robin, watching the football game and complaining about the lousy defense? Why couldn't he have that?

Louis hid his face in his hands as the tears kept coming, his body beginning to shake. He just wanted to be home, he wanted his family. Johannah squeezed his knee, placing her other hand on his shoulder. She was probably a bit confused as to why he was sobbing into his hands on her couch but he couldn't help it. He couldn't make it stop. He felt so lost right now, he had no place to go, no one to turn to and he had no idea why he came here.

"Call it a mother's instinct, but I have a feeling there's something else going on here." She said softly. Louis didn't answer her, he didn't know why she hadn't already kicked him out. He was probably just being a pain in the ass. He didn't know why she was being so gentle with him.

"Mum, Dad wants to know what to bring home for lunch-" Came a voice from behind them. Louis tried to calm himself, he tried taking deep breaths and wiping at his face because he shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't be sitting here crying in some person's house, even if she was his mother. This wasn't her problem.

"Lottie, please. Tell him whatever you girls' agree on." Johannah said quickly.

"Is everything alright?" She asked.

"Lottie, go talk to your sisters." Johannah said more firmly instead of answering. The girl, Lottie, hesitated for a moment but then listened to her mother, shuffling back down the hall.

"I'm sorry." Louis apologized, standing up. "I should go." He said, grabbing the pictures and slipping them into his bag. He shouldn't have come here, not like this. He accomplished nothing, he was too much of a wreck right now for this to have worked out properly.

"Louis?" Johannah asked, stopping Louis in his tracks. Louis turned to her, meeting her eyes but barely keeping it together. He was a mess, he was tired and so, so lost. "Why did you come here?" She asked. Louis knew she had already asked this but this time it felt as though the question held so much more meaning behind it, like she knew there must be something seriously wrong here. Louis sighed, hanging his head and bringing his hand up to wipe at his face _again_.

"I don't know." He said, frustrated and dropping his hand to his side, it smacking against his leg. "I- I didn't know where to go. I- I had no idea what to do." He admitted but he probably wasn't making much sense.

"No idea what to do about what?" She asked, looking up at him. Louis sighed again, no clue as to why he was telling her this.

"I fucked up and now I can't go home." He said and if she had a problem with his language, she didn't mention it.

"I'm sure whatever you did, your family will forgive it." She said immediately. "If they love you, they'll forgive you." She said softly. Louis shook his head, she didn't understand.

"No, it's not forgivable." He replied, his voice shaking again.

"Why don't you sit down again?" She asked, patting the spot beside her. Louis actually fell into the seat, feeling utterly exhausted. "I don't know Anne and Robin, but I know me and I know that there is nothing that my girls could do to make me not forgive them. And if Anne and Robin are as nice as you say, if they love you, I'm sure it's the same for them." Louis hung his head, his elbows resting on his knees while his hands held his head up as he listened to her, wanting to be able to believe her but he just couldn't.

"Whatever you did, I'm sure you're making it a bigger deal than it actually is. Lots of people do that when they are upset." She said and Louis really did want to believe her but she had no idea what Louis was dealing with. He was certain she wouldn't be saying those things if she knew. He was certain she would kick him out and tell him to never come back. If she knew, she wouldn't be being so nice to him, she wouldn't be happy that he came, knowing what kind of person she made. Maybe he should tell her, maybe then he could leave and go lie down in a gutter somewhere like he felt like doing.

"Louis, trust me on this. A mother's love is a strong thing. Not much can break it." Johannah went on and the need to prove her wrong was too great for him to stop himself.

"I'm gay." The words were out before he could think about it, surprising even himself because he's never said it out loud before. Another silence fell over the room and Louis suddenly wanted to take it back. He didn't actually want her to kick him out. He knew they only just met but, he's been rejected by so many mothers before, he wasn't sure he could be rejected by her as well.

"Okay." She said finally, sounding confused. "What does that have to do with- Oh." She spoke softly again, barely audible which surprised Louis. He was expecting harsher tones and much harsher words. "I see now." She said, sighing afterwards.

"What?" He asked quietly.

"They don't know, do they?" She asked. Louis shook his head. Why wasn't she kicking him out? "And you think if they did, then..."

"Then they won't want me around anymore, I know they won't." He finished for her.

"Are they homophobic?" She asked like she already knew what the answer would be.

"Uh, no- I- don't know." Louis answered honestly. The subject had never really come up.

"Have they ever showed signs of being homophobic?" She asked this time.

"Not that I can remember, but that doesn't mean anything. It's different when it's your own-"

"Then what makes you think they'll care?" She asked, not letting Louis finish his sentence. Louis couldn't answer her this time. He didn't know. He's always just assumed because of the stories he's heard. His whole life he's been rejected time after time, why would this time be any different? "Louis, don't you think that they deserve more credit than that? These people took you in for a reason. They're kind people. If you love them, you must trust them. Trust that they'll still love you." She said, her tone soft and calming. It sounded good, to just trust them but he wasn't sure he could take that risk.

"And what if they don't?" Louis asked, his voice small and scared. Johannah sighed.

"The way I see it, is you're running because you _think_ they'll reject you but they haven't actually rejected you. You could be running for no reason." She explained.

"But what if I'm not?"

"But what if you are?" She asked, mimicking Louis and making him think. "Look at it this way, you run now and live wondering what could have been or you run later, knowing what happened. At least you won't be wondering what would have happened if you just told them... And that way they know what happened and they aren't left hurt and wondering as well." Louis thought about what she said, the room falling silent. She had a point. Maybe he was running for no reason and if he just grew some balls and told them, he'd know. He supposed he was losing them either way, at least they'd know why. Louis sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

"Mum! Daisy's being a brat!" A girl called from down the hall. Johannah chuckled slightly, shaking her head.

"No I'm not!" Another girl called out, Daisy, Louis was assuming.

"Will you excuse me?" She asked. Louis nodded, hoping some time alone would do him some good. He knew what he _should_ do but he wasn't sure he could handle the rejection. Not from them. Not from the people he loved so much. Louis gave a frustrated sigh, digging into his pocket for his phone because he wanted to know what time it was. After waiting for his phone to turn on he saw that it was half past ten and he noticed that his phone was at less than ten percent in battery and he hadn't packed his charger, shit. He was about to turn it off to save the battery when it chimed and a message from Harry popped up, and then another and another, then a couple from Zayn and Niall, even Anne and Robin sent him a few. Obviously they've been texting him all this time but he didn't notice with his phone off. He saw there was several missed calls as well and a couple voicemails and he was too curious to not look at them.

**Hazza**

_Did u not come home last night?_

_Lou?_

_Louis please come back, don't freak out about this._

_Lou, please. He's freaking out. He's sorry._

_Please come back so we can talk about this._

_It's not a big deal, Louis ur one of his best mates._

_He needs u, Lou. Please just come home._

 

**Zayn**

_Come on dude, just come back._

_He wanted to tell u earlier but he was scared._

_Louis ur being a dick about this._

_R u really gonna let this ruin 7 years of friendship???_

_Louis, he needs u 2 come back._

 

**Niall**

_Hey man, just come back, yeah?_

_U guys can still be friends._

_This isn't as big of a deal as u think._

_Look, I've seen the way u look at him._

_I've haven't told anyone and I won't, just come back._

_Louis he needs u._

_No one will care. We all know Li is gay and it's fine if that's what ur worried about._

_Just come back and we can talk it all out._

_I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that._

_I don't really know if u are, it was just a guess._

_I'm sorry, don't be mad._

_If ur mad at me, fine but just come back for Liam._

 

Louis was shocked at what Niall had said, in fact he was shocked at what they were all saying because Liam had obviously told them yet they were still telling him to come home? Was Johannah right?

**Mum**

_Harry is telling me to text you to come home._

_Is there something going on?_

_Louis, what's going on?_

_Please answer me, I'm starting to worry._

 

**Dad**

_What's going on, son?_

_I need you to come home or at least call me, please._

 

Without giving himself time to think on it, he called his voice mail. **_You have two new messages_** _,_ he heard his phone tell him. **_Beep._**

_Louis please just come home. Liam's sorry. You guys need to talk this out, you can't just run from it. I realize you might need some time but could you just answer me? Please, I need to know how you're doing, I'm your brother and I'm worried about you. Please call me._

**_Beep._ **

_Louis, honey, please come home. Harry's freaking out and he won't tell us what's wrong, only that he needs you to come home. Please come home, baby. I love you_

**_End of final message, to erase all messages, please press-_ **

Louis hung up his phone, going to the contacts to find Harry's name. He tapped on it and hit call, watching the screen change and was about to put it to his ear when he saw the screen go black. Louis clicked the home button once and then again repeatedly when it remained black. His phone had died. Of fucking course. Harry was fucking worried about him, he had to call him and his fucking phone dies. So much for no clichés.

"Sorry about that," Johannah apologized, coming back into the room. It sort of startled Louis but he couldn't focus on that right now. "Look Louis, I'm really glad you found me and... I would really like it if you wanted to meet up again so we can talk properly but right now is not a good time. You need to go home and sort this out. I know if it were me, I'd be worried sick if you just disappeared." Louis nodded along because she was right. His family was obviously worried and wanting home, why, he had no idea but he couldn't just let them worry like this. He had to go back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you like it! and please leave kudos if you did! Thanks for reading! :)


	18. Chapter 17

Louis' feet thumped against the pavement, the sun beating down on him making it too hot for his jumper anymore. He awkwardly took it off while juggling his bag and continuing to walk at the same time, tying it around his waist as he hurried down the streets of Holmes Chapel, focused solely on getting home. He didn't know exactly what would happen when he got there but he knew he couldn't leave without any kind of explanation. It wouldn't be fair to his family. It might be hard as hell to say, but he had to tell them. Even if they do throw him out, at least everyone would have the answers they needed. Of course it would suck if that's what happened but, it needed to be done. Louis was tired of hiding, of lying and pretending. He's been tired for a while now and he thinks he's finally snapped.

He was kind of glad he ended up at Johannah's. He doesn't think he would have realized what he needed to do without her. He'd probably still be roaming the streets of Holmes Chapel with no place to go and no idea what to do. At least right now, he had a goal and he could deal with what he had to do later if it came down to that. He promised Johannah that he would meet up with her again for a proper chat when he could think clearly and remember everything he wanted to know. She promised to try and tell him everything she could and made it very clear that she knew they could never have the relationship a mother and son should have, but that she would like to have some kind of relationship. She wanted Louis to properly meet her daughters, err... his sisters, and Daniel, her husband. He promised that he would one day but that he might need time. He did want to meet them, he just wasn't sure he could meet them right away but that was something to think about another day. He had enough to think about at the moment.

Louis was nearing his home and it seemed the closer he got, the harder his heart pounded in his chest. He really couldn't believe he was doing this. After all these years of lying he was finally going to tell the truth, or at least he hoped he was going to tell the truth. He had every intention of doing so, but he could never be sure of himself. He supposed if Liam told them everything, he wouldn't have a choice but if Liam hadn't and Niall had stuck to his word, he'd have a way out this. He could maybe spin this around somehow and come out of it with his secret still a secret but the thought had a cloud of dread filling his heart. Not only did he not want to do that, but he couldn't imagine how much he'd hurt Liam if he did. Who knows what lie he would have to tell to get out of this and any lie that he tells is bound to hurt Liam. No, Louis couldn't lie anymore. He couldn't, he had to do this.

Louis can't remember the last time he's actually been afraid to walk into his home, if that's what it was anymore. He didn't want to think that they'd tell him to come home only to throw him on his arse again but then, maybe Liam hadn't told them everything? Maybe Niall stuck to his word? He had a tiny shred of hope that everything would be alright, Johannah had promised as much as he slipped out of the door after a goodbye and a promise to call her so they could meet up again, but old habits die hard and Louis just couldn't help but let that shred of hope be devoured by the enormous doubt in himself that he's come so accustomed to.

Louis turned the doorknob anyway, pushing his fears and doubts aside, or at least trying to, and stepped into his home. It was quieter than he thought it would be, then again it was a big house. There was essentially no indication that anyone was even home, never mind where they were, so Louis toed off his shoes and made his way through the house. The living room was empty, so was Robin's office. The laundry room, although had a load running at the moment, was empty, it wasn't until he made his way into the kitchen that he came across his mother and father. Anne was leaning against the sink, her back to the sink with her arms folded over her chest and a look of worry on her face. Robin was in front of her, his hands on her waist, his thumbs rubbing comforting circles into her hips.

"It just have this feeling," Anne said, looking down in between them before continuing. "That something really bad is happening. I just know something bad has happened and Louis won't come home or call. My baby is out there and I can't- Oh, Louis!" Anne cut her sentence off when she looked up to meet Robin's eyes and instead caught sight of Louis standing in the entryway. Anne slipped out from between Robin and the sink and made her way over to Louis, engulfing him in a tight hug and not letting go. Robin came over as well, setting a hand on Louis' shoulder and squeezing.

"Where were you, son? Why didn't you call any of us?" Robin asked, trying to cover up his relief with anger but not succeeding very well.

"I, uh- I-" Louis' heart had never pounded so hard in his life with the weight of his father's stare and his secret hanging over his head, one they clearly didn't know about. "I went to Doncaster and my phone died." Louis said honestly, the words he knows he should be saying getting stuck in his throat.

"That early in the morning?" His mother questioned at the same time Robin asked his own.

"Why did you go to Doncaster?"

"I- Well, mum didn't tell you?" Louis asked, finally being allowed some space between him and Anne. Louis figured Robin's question would be easier to answer than Anne's.

"He went to see Johannah." Anne said quietly. Realization crossed Robin's face as he gave an understanding nod and a small smile. "But why so early? You should have let someone know. Why are Harry and the boys so worried?" Anne questioned faster than Louis could reply.

"I- I don't know, mum. Can I go to talk to them and then I'll let you know?" Louis said, the lie tasting awful in his mouth and the promise weighing heavy on his heart. He didn't want to have to keep lying to them but the thought of telling the truth had him nearing a panic attack.

"They're in your room." Anne answered softly, obviously knowing he was lying but figuring that her sons might have to work this out on their own. Louis nodded and gave his mum a reassuring hug and kiss on the cheek. He left them in the kitchen and made his way to his room. Louis felt like an intruder to be honest. His heart was pounding away as if he were breaking into someone's home and hoping to not get caught, which he knew was ridiculous because this was his home after all but it didn't feel so ridiculous when he saw Gemma going into her room and it felt like his heart jumped into his throat. Louis froze at the top of the stairs, eyes wide and hand gripping the banister, but Gemma just smiled and asked a simple question.

"Phone die?" She asked, making Louis' grip loosen and heart calm. Louis nodded, a small smile creeping over his lips as Gemma chuckled.

"I knew everyone was getting their pants in a twist over nothing." She said then continued into her room. Louis wondered if she would still think it's nothing if she knew the truth. Louis continued to his room, taking a deep breath before trying the door knob only to find it locked. He could hear murmured words on the other side, recognizing Harry's deep tone but not able to make anything out. He lifted his hand, resting his knuckles against the wood of the door and took another deep breath before knocking softly. The reply was instant.

"Mum! Please, just get Louis to come home." Harry called out.

"It's not mum." Louis replied, his voice quiet but someone still heard him because the next thing he knew, the door was flying open and he was being pulled into both the room and Harry's arms. Harry held him close, bent over slightly, allowing Louis to fit his head over his shoulder to see Liam sitting on his bed looking to the floor with Niall's arm draped over his shoulder but his blue eyes on Louis. Zayn was standing at the end of the bed, arms crossed over his chest and a cold glare directed at Louis.

"Why didn't you answer any of us?" Harry demanded, pulling away from Louis to look at him.

"My phone died, okay? I'm sorry." Louis apologized, trying his best to ignore Niall's knowing stare and Zayn's icy glare. "I'm sorry."

"I- We thought you were- running and I didn't know what to do." Harry said quietly, somehow making himself look small even though he towered over Louis. Harry must be a bit torn between his best mate and his brother and Louis felt like shit for putting him in that position.

"I-" Louis began but his words dropped off into a sigh as he realized just how much in the wrong he was. "I was. I was running, okay?"

"You're an ass." Zayn growled immediately. "He's your best mate and just because you find out he's gay, you just drop him like that?" Zayn was seething, Louis could tell, making Louis feel even worse if that was possible.

"There's more to the story, Zee." Niall spoke quietly.

"No, I don't give a shit. When you're best mate tell you he loves you, you don't run. Not after everything you've been through. You don't fucking run and leave him. You talk it out. Do you know how upset he was, Lou? What you did-" Zayn was on a roll, his arm falling to his sides and hands clenching into fists but one small voice stopped him.

"Enough, Zayn. Leave him alone." Liam said, still looking to the ground. Zayn clamped his mouth shut, a sad look crossing his face as he regarded Liam but his furry quickly returned when he looked back to Louis. An awkward silence fell over the room as no one was really sure what to say. Louis knew it was his turn to say something, to sort this all out but he couldn't make himself speak. He was still so afraid to tell them, it overpowered any will to confess and he hated it. He hated not being in control of himself and he hated that he obviously hurt Liam. Liam looked absolutely broken. His shoulders were slumped, his head hung and he kept wiping at his nose as if it were running. He wouldn't look up at Louis and that hurt but he supposed he deserved it. He knew what this all looked like, what they all probably thought happened. They probably thought Louis ran because he couldn't accept Liam like this. He should really explain himself.

"I'm sorry, Louis." Liam spoke to the ground. Louis immediately wanted to say that he shouldn't be sorry about anything, but he didn't get the chance. "I've been trying to tell you- I shouldn't have told you like that." Liam continued, shaking his head as if he were frustrated with himself. "I- I just don't understand. Maybe- Maybe I'm remembering wrong because I was drunk but- I thought everything was fine. I don't understand why you left." Liam finally looked up at him now, the hurt obvious in his eyes and Louis should really fucking say something but he couldn't. He was so scared, he couldn't make himself speak and that brought tears of frustration to his eyes.

"Look," Niall spoke now, standing up from beside Liam and taking a couple steps towards Louis. "I don't know you as well as the boys, Louis, but I'd like to think I know you well enough to know that last night was a misunderstanding, right? Because _like Zayn said,_ " Niall put a bit of emphasis on these words, pausing to lock eyes with Louis as if to convey a message. _Like Zayn said_? "Just because your best mate turns out to be gay, doesn't mean you bail. You stick around and you talk it out. You let them know that _it's okay, that you still love them no matter what_ , right boys?" Niall was speaking clearly, never taking his eyes off Louis and Louis suddenly got it. He got what Niall was trying to point out. Zayn _did_ say that. Louis hadn't thought much of it because he was sort of yelling at Louis when he did but he _did_ say it. They knew Liam was gay and they were still here by his side, defending him and loving him. They still accepted him, so why wouldn't they accept Louis?

Harry and Zayn looked a bit confused, probably figuring this point had already been stated and was now a bit redundant but they nodded their heads anyway and Louis felt this sort of relief wash over him, more tears springing to his eyes as he laughed at himself. The tears were spilling over but he was still laughing at himself because of how stupid he was, because of everything he went through for no reason, because even after all these years, he was still lumping this family with the rest of those horrible families. He realized he probably looked a bit mad at the moment but he couldn't stop.

"What the fuck is he laughing at?" Zayn asked, obviously still pissed. Harry looked like he was getting there, but he still seemed torn between what to do or if he should do anything and Liam, well, Liam looked like Louis had just slapped him. Okay, it was definitely time to explain himself before Zayn decided to punch him out. Louis took a deep breath, wiping his face while looking between each boy before landing on Liam because out of all of them, this affected him the most.

"Liam, I didn't leave because you told me you loved me." Louis said, unable to hide the smile that came with saying those words, he still couldn't really believe it. "I left because you said you couldn't wait to tell the boys, and I- I wasn't ready for that. I panicked. I panicked and jumped to conclusion like an idiot and ran." Louis explained, pausing to glance at Niall who was smiling at Louis, giving him an encouraging nod. Louis looked back to see Liam looking rather confused, though Louis didn't expect anything less. "I love you, Li. I do, and you're not remembering wrong. I just wasn't ready to come out. I was afraid to tell everyone and I didn't think about anything besides the possibility of losing everyone and it scared me." Louis glanced between Harry and Zayn, seeing the shock on both of their faces before glancing to the ground in shame. He couldn't believe he was so stupid. He couldn't believe he wasted all this time living in secret, hiding and lying to his family and living miserably. The only thing he could do was laugh at himself again, but this time it sounded bitter and not very humorous as he shook his head at the ground before looking to the ceiling, blinking back more tears.

"You don't know how long I've been hiding that and you don't know how good it feels to tell you." Louis sighed in relief, feeling the enormous weight on his shoulders lifting. He didn't know what would happen now, he didn't know much of anything besides the fact that he felt like he could actually breathe again, that he didn't have to analyze his every move and tell lie after lie. He didn't have to do any of that anymore and even though it just happened and the boys hadn't actually accepted it yet, it felt amazing. "And I know what I did was a shitty thing so Liam, I don't expect you to forgive me but I really hope that you do because I love you. I really do and I think I have for a while now, but I just wouldn't let myself see it before. I'm sorry." Louis finished, looking to Liam one last time before returning his gaze to the ground.

Another silence fell over the room, Louis' eyes remaining on the ground because he had just poured his heart out, he had just laid everything out on the line and _no one was saying anything._ He could feel all of their eyes on him and he could imagine the shock written on all of their faces. He really wished someone would say something, anything. He didn't care if it was completely unrelated, just _something_. Louis didn't get what he wanted, the room remained silent but the silence was accompanied by a hand slipping into his and squeezing ever so slightly. When Louis looked over to his hand he recognized Harry's long fingers and looked up to meet his emerald green eyes, slightly shining but mostly just happy.

"It's okay." Harry said quietly, smiling at Louis through shiny eyes. "We love you no matter what." He repeated Niall's words and Louis could tell he meant every one of them. Louis made a noise at that, a noise that was partly a laugh and partly a sob as Harry pulled him into a hug. He really couldn't stop the tears that were soaked up by Harry's shirt and he thinks that he is not allowed to cry for at least a year after this. He just felt so relieved and happy that it was finally out there and he didn't have to worry about losing anyone. Soon he felt another body press against his side and two more arms wrap around him as Zayn mumbled apologies and reassurance into his shoulder.

"We were always kind of hoping for Liam's sake," Harry mumbled quietly. "But we were never sure. Sorry if we got pushy." He apologized but Louis just held him tighter because he really didn't have anything to be sorry for. Eventually they pulled away from each other, Zayn giving Louis a sheepish smile to which Louis just shrugged to let him know it was okay because he probably would of done the same if the roles were reversed, it not worse.

Louis looked to the bed where Liam sat with his head hung again, feeling his smile fade as he took in his tense demeanor. He felt a small nudge on his back and looked over his shoulder to see Zayn smiling at him, nodding his head toward Liam. Louis took the few hesitant steps towards the bed, smiling briefly when Niall squeezed his shoulder and went to stand beside Harry and Zayn. He took an unsure seat beside the boy he loved, ready to be shoved away, but hoping to be forgiven. He wouldn't blame Liam if he did, it would hurt like hell and he didn't know what would happen at that point, but he wouldn't blame him.

"Are you mad at me?" Louis asked quietly, frowning at the snort he received at his question.

"Yes." Liam answered, making Louis frown even more and look into his lap. "Because you didn't talk to me, Lou. You- you should have just talked to me instead of running." He went on looking over at him. "I was so worried that I fucked everything up." Louis was mildly surprised by the F-bomb, he wasn't sure he's ever heard Liam swear before but he definitely wasn't complaining.

"I know, I'm sorry." Louis apologized. "I didn't think, I just acted."

"You never think." Liam replied but now his voice sounded softer, a bit more fond and a bit more teasing, making Louis look up to see him smiling at him.

"I'm an idiot." Louis admitted, smiling back at Liam.

"You are an idiot." Liam agreed and then he was leaning forward and pressing his lips to Louis'. Louis froze instantly, his old instincts kicking in and his eyes widening in shock because he was all too aware of the three boys standing behind them, witnessing every second of this. He was about to pull away, even though he knew he didn't have to, but then he heard the mock-cooing and wolf whistling and he relaxed, melting into the kiss, his eyes falling shut. It was better than last night solely because of the fact that Liam didn't taste like a bottle of vodka but like that herbal tea Anne always made. It was also sweet, softer and not so heated. Despite the lack of desperation and it being quite brief, much to his dismay, it still left him a little breathless and sitting there in a slight daze after Liam pulled away.

"Did you know?" He heard Zayn ask, but Louis was too busy staring at the deep brown of Liam's eyes to care much.

"I had a feeling... It's different when you just meet someone, you look for these things that tell you who they are, right? When you think you already know them, you don't look as hard." He heard Niall explain but then Liam was kissing him again and he really couldn't hear anything with how hard his heart was pounding, this time in the best way. It started off as small pecks on the lips, small pecks and soft brushes, Liam resting his forehead against Louis' but it was quickly turning into something more and he was sort of helpless to stop it at the moment.

"Oi, get a room!" Harry called out, his words fond and teasing. He heard the other boys snicker and decided that they had witnessed enough of their making up.

"Actually, this _is_ my room, so if you'll let yourself out, that'd be lovely." Louis pulled away long enough to get the words out but re-attached his lips as soon as he could, maybe pushing Liam back on the bed for dramatic effect, but maybe it was for his own benefit.

"They work fast..." Niall commented, Louis could hear the laugh in his voice before he heard the actual laugh itself.

"Well, they've been in the relationship for years... they just didn't know it." Harry teased but now his voice was distant, then he heard the door click shut and he knew they were alone. Liam was on his back with Louis on his side, laying on the bed but leaning into Liam with his hand on his chest. Louis pulled away to look down at Liam, feeling the happiest he's felt in a long time. It was a warm feeling in his chest that had been growing ever since the weight of his secret had lifted and it only intensified when he looked down at a smiling Liam. He could easily get used to this.

 

                                      *                  *                  *

 

Louis giggled, curling into a ball on the couch as he tried to get his neck away from a pair of ticklish lips. He didn't mind Liam kissing his neck, it was actually one of his new favourite things, but Liam was _trying_ to tickle him and it was working. He would lightly brush his lips down his neck, smiling to himself and only chasing Louis' neck when he pulled away. It was irritating and childish and pretty much the most amazing thing in the world right now, especially since they were laying out in the open on the couch in the living room, Robin in his office with the door cracked so he could easily see them but Louis didn't have to worry. He was allowed to do this, he was allowed to be with Liam like this whenever and where ever he wanted and it was amazing. He knew Anne was just in the kitchen, Gemma was downstairs doing whatever she does, and he knew that either of them could walk in at any moment, but it didn't matter.

Louis had gone downstairs that day last week to fulfill his promise and let Anne and Robin in on everything that was going on. Liam had come with him, his hand in his and it had been easier than telling the boys. He had Liam re-assuring him that everything would be fine, that Anne and Robin had been nothing but accepting when they found out about Liam but that didn't stop his initial instincts from making that doubt in himself appear again. Anne's eyes had immediately gone to their entwined hands and Louis knew from then that she already knew and the beaming smile he had received wiped out any and all fear in him. Liam was right, they were nothing but accepting, assuring Louis that they loved him and nothing could ever change that and Louis kind of had to mentally smack himself. He still couldn't believe he had been that stupid, but he supposed he couldn't change that now.

"Stahp it." Louis whined, placing his palm on Liam's cheek and pushing slightly, turning his face away from his neck. Louis was on his back, nearly falling off the edge because Liam was on his side wedged in between Louis and the back of the couch. Liam chuckled, moving his face away from Louis' hand only to dive in again, but this time with a different purpose. Liam's lips connected with Louis' neck, a warm pressure against his skin that was no longer ticklish but something else entirely. Louis' eyes fell shut as Liam began to suck and nip at the skin, something that should probably hurt at least a little but Louis found that he didn't mind.

"You want me to stop?" Liam asked, pulling away to look down at him. Louis isn't ashamed of the whine that left his mouth. Liam reconnected his lips, but only briefly, making Louis bite his lip to prevent another whine from leaving his mouth. "Are you sure?" He asked, his voice low because although they were allowed to be like this without hiding it, Liam still had some respect for Louis' family and didn't want to make Robin uncomfortable because who wanted to listen to their son snogging a guy on their couch?

"Not if you're going to do _that_." Louis replied, angling his neck a little to allow Liam easier access. Liam chuckled but took the hint and re-attached his lips, making quick work of making Louis a complete mess with his lips. By the time Liam let up, his lips traveling up his neck while peppering Louis in tiny kisses until he met his lips, Louis was squirming in his spot, his lips raw from chewing on them too much.

"Oi, we sit on that couch!" Harry's deep voice came and then a heavy weight was falling on top of his legs.

"You're going to break my fucking legs, Haz." Louis complained, breaking away from Liam to look down at the curly haired lad currently sitting on both Liam and Louis' legs. Harry grinned at him but stood, lifting their legs then sitting back down and placing them back on his lap. "Not exactly what I had in mind..." Louis mumbled, letting his head fall back onto the couch.

"Enough with the honeymoon, we've got work to do." Niall said, flopping down into the arm chair, followed by Zayn who took a seat on the armrest of the chair.

"Work?" Liam questioned, fingers absentmindedly playing with Louis' hair. Louis' eyes fell shut at the feeling and he adjusted himself so he had easier access to that as well.

"Yeah, we've got an eighteenth birthday to plan!" Niall said as if Liam should have known this, and since it was _his_ birthday, he probably should have.

"Yeah, man, you're turning eighteen in like... two weeks." Zayn reminded him.

"Oh." Liam mumbled. Louis could hear the frown in his voice, apparently Liam forgot that tiny detail.

"Anne already said we could use the house, we can invite everyone!" Niall said excitedly. "We'll have drinking games, loud music, lots of people; a real proper party." Louis chuckled at this, thinking about how well Niall would fit in with the Uni life back at school.

"Yeah, it's your big birthday, you've got to do it right." Zayn commented. Liam's fingers had stilled in Louis' hair, the first indicator that something was wrong. The second was when Louis opened his eyes to see Liam frowning.

"I don't know guys..." Liam said, his eyes falling down to look at Louis' shirt, though it was a plain shirt and Louis knew it wasn't that interesting.

"What's wrong, Li?" Louis asked, wiggling his arm out to gently touch his cheek in order to coax it out of him. Liam shrugged, sort of because it was an awkward position to do that kind of movement. "Li, come on. Do you not want a party?" He asked because he did know Liam and he knew that although he tagged along to a lot of them with the boys, he much preferred to stay in.

"I just- I'd rather just spend it with you guys. I don't need a big party with a bunch of people I don't really know." Liam explained, looking up between Harry and the two boys on the arm chair. There was silence for a brief moment but then Louis was jumping in to the rescue.

"How about we go down to the beach again? Just the five of us." Louis suggested, smiling fondly at Liam. Liam smiled sheepishly and nodded, leaning down to peck Louis' lips.

"Okay, fine. But I'm getting you properly drunk." Niall grumbled, seeming upset that he wasn't getting his party even though it wasn't really _his_ party.

"Who's going to drive home?" Liam asked, knowing that none of the boys would be willing to stay sober while the rest of them get drunk.

"I say we fill your truck with blankets and pillows and just sleep on the beach." Harry suggested, making all the boys smile.

"Okay. Sounds good." Liam nodded with a smile on his face.

"Seriously though, enough with the honeymoon, we miss you guys." Zayn said, the boys nodding along.

"Yeah, we're happy for you but come on, we've barley seen you in a week." Niall complained. Louis couldn't help but chuckle because, yeah, they have been kind of holding up in Louis' room. They haven't been doing what the boys probably thought they were doing, but they have been spending a lot of time alone together and they supposed that wasn't really fair of them.

"Okay, what do you want to do?" Louis asked, craning his neck to look at Niall.

"What I want to do is point out the massive love bite on your neck, Lou. Holy shit." Harry said, his eyes glued to Louis's exposed neck. Louis' hand flew to cover up the mark, glaring slightly at Liam who blushed and ducked his head.

"Sorry." He mumbled, lifting his head to kiss Louis' cheek.

"Ooh, I bet he's got more than just the one." Niall teased.

"I _know_ he's got more than just the one." Came a new voice. Louis sat up to see Gemma climbing the stairs, smirking at him over her shoulder. He lifted his hand high enough for her to see the finger he was holding up at her, she only laughed and continued her way up the stairs.

The boys didn't end up doing much of anything but sitting around together and taking the piss. The teasing was aimed mostly at Louis because they all knew he could handle it whereas Liam would redden like tomato and retreat in on himself. Louis got a couple of shots in of course, pointing out that they were all just sore about _not_ having any love bites at all, that shut them up for a short while before they started up again. It was ridiculous and a little annoying but Louis wouldn't have it any other way. He was happy like this. He was happy sitting here with his boyfriend, his brother and two best mates while they teased him to no end. All his life he's wanted nothing more than a family that accepted him for who he was, a family where he could be himself, bring home his boyfriend to meet him, share his problems and worries with without worrying about losing them and he finally had that. But then again, he's had it all along, it just took him a while to see that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think and please leave kudos if you liked it! Thanks for reading! :)


	19. Epilogue

_Seven years later…_

**Liam** _Hurry home ;)_

Louis smiled down at his phone before slipping it into the pocket of his winter jacket. He was just getting off his shift at the hospital, having spent the day wrapping up sprained ankles and tending to sore backs from slipping on the icy sidewalks. He was looking forward to going home and spending the night wrapped up in a blanket by the fire with Liam to snuggle up to. Of course it'll be a fake fire, one of those gas powered heater ones with the fake flames because they lived in a flat and not a house but it'll be just as nice. Even though they had moved into the flat several years ago, Louis still found himself smiling at the thought of it being _their_ flat once in a while. He just couldn't believe this was how his life had turned out. He remembers when he thought he'd be living his life alone and miserable with a not-so-dark secret hanging over his head. He still shook his head at his younger self, he couldn't believe how stupid he had been but he supposed everyone made mistakes.

"Goodnight, Margaret." Louis called out as he passed the front desk. Behind the desk was a kind elderly lady that Louis had grown quite fond of over the couple years he's been working here. She was very sweet and caring but also had that 'no bullshit' kind of attitude that he loved.

"Goodnight, Louis, and happy birthday." She replied with a sweet smile. Louis smiled back, thanking her as he slipped out into the cold evening air. If the snowy weather and icy streets weren't enough of an indication that it was Christmas Eve, the decorations hung up outside the hospital and along the sidewalks should do it. Louis loved this time of the year. He loved it for the lights and decorations, he loved it for the snow and ice skating, the hot chocolate and snacks you know you shouldn't eat but do anyway, and the family parties and smiles on kids but most of all he loved it because it was his birthday. As a kid he hated that his birthday was on Christmas Eve because it often got forgotten about at the orphanage in the hustle and bustle of Christmas but now he had family who didn't forget. Now he had a family that made sure to wish him a happy birthday and get him a gift. Yes, it still kind of got lost in the holiday but he's learned to move on from that because that's just the way it was.

Tonight he didn't really have anything planned, not really. He and Liam were just going to spend the evening together in their flat. Liam had convinced him that they were getting too old to throw big parties and get drunk, that they had to start acting responsibly and mature, especially with them waiting for the adoption agency to give their approval. He was okay with that, maybe a little disappointed but he supposed it _was_ time to grow up.

Louis tried to hurry home, just as Liam wanted him to but the roads were too icy to even think about hurrying and he knew Liam would rather him get their alive than in a hurry. Louis maneuvered his way home, parking in the underground parking beneath their tower block because it was too cold to park on the street and he really didn't fancy making that walk tonight. He made his way up to their flat, taking the stairs to try and make up for all the extra treats lately, and pushed the door to their flat open where he was greeted by Loki, their little black lab, jumping at his legs and barking to get his attention. Louis slipped inside and shut the door, noticing the flat was quite dark and quiet except for the yapping puppy at his ankles. He bent down, slipping his keys into his pocket, and greeted Loki. This involved getting his face attacked by a cold wet nose and a warm soft tongue.

"Oh, hello Loki, oh yes, I missed you too." Louis spoke, petting the puppy behind the ears and allowing the wet kisses to his face.

"I'm next." Came a familiar voice from the small hall of their flat. Louis grinned, and with one final kiss and pat, he stood and turned to see Liam standing there with a fond smile, waiting for Louis. Louis had yet to see him today because Liam always had to get up a couple hours before Louis to go to work and Louis just couldn't bring himself to get up that early. Louis was still often surprised when he looked at Liam, especially when he let a bit of stubble grow on his jaw. He's gotten so much bigger over the years, it was sort of expected with his job, and the stubble that he now sported made him look ten years older than he really was. Louis also knew Liam hated letting the stubble grow, claiming that it itched too much, but Liam knew Louis thought it looked sexy so he would let it grow just for Louis once in a while, especially on occasions like Louis' birthday.

"Are you sure you want to after he got a go at me?" Louis teased, allowing himself to be pulled into Liam's arms, his arms going around Liam's neck as Liam used one hand to slip around his waist and the other to wipe at Louis' mouth, getting rid of the slobber there. They both kind of chuckled before Liam did indeed take his turn, placing his lips on Louis' in a quick peck at first but like it usually did between them, it quickly grew into much more.

Louis was happy to find that Liam did not smell of smoke. He hated coming home to find that Liam had a smudge of soot on his cheek or that he smelled like he just decided to take a walk through a volcano and it worried him. Of course, Liam would try to cover it up by having a shower before Louis could get home and dowsing himself in cologne because he knew how worried Louis got but it didn't matter how much cologne he used, Louis could always smell the familiar scent of smoke on him. It was expected of course, Liam being a firefighter and all, but it still worried Louis. However, Louis was just as supportive because if this was what Liam wanted to do, if it made him happy, then it was what he wanted Liam to do, he just wished it wasn't so damn dangerous. He knew that Liam knew what he was doing and that there was no one more careful but still, accidents _do_ happen.

Louis was fully aware of Loki jumping at their ankles and the suspicious darkness of the flat but he couldn't bring himself to care much. How could he with Liam's lips slowly working against his, with Liam's tongue licking at his bottom lip and his hands making their way up under his shirt? He couldn't, that was the problem. The problem being that he couldn't even really register Liam leading him into the living room because this was Liam and he would go anywhere Liam wanted. He didn't even register the lights coming on or all of the people standing in their living room. At least not until they all yelled 'Surprise', startling Louis away from a now grinning Liam. Louis' pounding heart calmed a bit when he turned to see the familiar faces of his friends and family, all grinning from ear to ear at him.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" They all yelled, followed by a round of cheers, all for Louis. Louis was definitely surprised and more than a little confused because he had thought Liam had told him no parties, yet he was certain this was considered a party. Their living room had been transformed, the couch that usually sat in the middle of the room facing the television on the far wall was now turned and pushed up against the right wall, the coffee table now sitting in the middle of the room with bowls of crisps on it and a variety of drinks surrounding them, all non-alcoholic because there were children here. There were streamers stretched across the ceiling, drooping slightly, with balloons taped to the walls and a 'Happy Birthday' sign that hung above the television.

Everyone was here, everyone he cared about. Anne and Robin stood in the middle of the group, Robin's arms holding Anne close by the waist with Gemma and her husband Robert by their side. Johannah and Daniel stood by them, with their six children spread out beside them. Harry stood tall by Robin, grinning at Louis like he had just won some game. Beside him was Niall and his girlfriend of one year, Natalie, and on the end was Zayn and his pregnant wife, Perrie. It was everyone he loved, all here on his birthday to celebrate him, so obviously he was grinning back at them, despite his confusion.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Louis said, still smiling as he turned to Liam. "But this looks like a party." Liam grinned at him, hooking his fingers in the waistband of his scrubs and pulling him close, wrapping him in his arms again.

"You didn't really think I wouldn't want to celebrate your birthday, did you?" Liam asked, pecking Louis on the lips. Louis could see everyone closing in around them from the corner of his eyes and knew he was about to give out a million and one hugs, not that he really minded.

"Well, I just thought..." Louis said, lowering his voice so only Liam could hear. "I just thought we would celebrate in some _other_ way." Louis said, raising his eyebrows at Liam suggestively. Louis could actually see Liam's expression change but then he was being engulfed in a hug with Perrie so Liam didn't get a chance to reply right away. Perrie wished him a more personal 'happy birthday' to which he replied with a kind 'thank you' and was about to pull Zayn into a hug when he felt a firm hand on his back and warm lips brushing against his ear.

"Later." Was all Liam whispered but it was enough to send a shiver through his body at the thought. Louis gave him a pointed look over his shoulder to which Liam only winked and walked into the kitchen, to do what, Louis had no idea but he had other things to worry about.

"Happy birthday, mate." Zayn said, patting Louis on the back before pulling out of a hug.

"Thanks." Louis grinned and moved on to the next person, that person being Harry.

"Happy birthday, old man!" Harry grinned, wrapping Louis up in a tight hug, his long arms easily fitting around him.

"I'm only twenty seven." Louis mumbled, giving him a slight glare before moving onto to the next person.

"Happy birthday, Louis!" Came two tiny voices from down below. Louis turned to see Ernest and Doris, the youngest twins of Johannah and Daniel, standing at his waist. Louis bent down to give them each a hug, ruffling up Ernest's hair in the process. Louis continued to give out a hug to each person, the action getting tiring but he really didn't mind, he enjoyed it. After Johannah gave him his last hug, he excused himself to go change into something other than scrubs. They were comfy but he's spent all day in them and he didn't think they were really party clothes.

Louis was happy Liam had arranged all this with all of his family. He much preferred it over a big party with a bunch of people just looking for an excuse to get drunk or high. He was also happy that everyone got along. At first, years ago, Louis had been scared he'd have to tip-toe around Johannah and Daniel and Anne and Robin, thinking they wouldn't be able to be in the same room together but as usual, he worried about nothing. Shortly after Louis had met up with Johannah again, eventually meeting all the girls properly along with Daniel, Anne and Robin met them as well. It was a bit awkward at first but eventually they grew into comfortable conversation, Anne sharing stories about Louis growing up and it was nice.

Louis and Liam would often meet up with Johannah and either Daniel or a couple of the girls to catch up. Louis would attend Daisy's dance recitals and had attended Lottie and Félicité's graduation. The older of the girls, Lottie and Félicité, had been a bit hesitant at first towards accepting Louis as a brother, but the younger ones, Daisy, Phoebe, Ernest and Doris, had accepted him without a problem. To Lottie and Félicité, Louis was more of a friend then a brother at this point, having been too grown up to develop that kind of relationship properly, but they got along well enough. Harry and Gemma would sometimes come with them to the usual meet ups, Gemma enjoying conversing with Lottie, and Harry getting along quite well with Johannah, Daisy and Phoebe absolutely loving him. It may be a bit dysfunctional, but it was his family and he was happy to have them.

Louis made quick work of shucking out of his scrubs, throwing them into the dirty clothes bin, and picking out a nice outfit to wear. He was just grabbing his shirt when he heard the door open and close behind him. He turned to see Liam standing there with a soft smile on his face as he regarded Louis. Louis smiled back, shuffling over to give him a quick kiss, pinning him against the door, though Louis knew if Liam really wanted, he could easily get out.

"Thank you." Louis said softly, pecking his lips again.

"You're welcome."

"I love you." Louis said. It was almost automatic now, whenever Liam did something sweet or silly, or anything at all really, Louis would remind him that he loved him.

"I love you too, Lou," Liam replied, resting his hands on Louis' waist, his fingers grazing the bare skin of his hips. "So much, you have no idea." Liam continued, kissing Louis again.

"I think I have a slight idea." Louis teased because he was pretty sure Liam was the one who had no idea how much _Louis_ loved _him_.

"The agency called." Liam said randomly, looking into Louis' eyes intensely. Liam's deep brown eyes were lit up with a happiness that could only mean one thing. Excitement bubbled up in Louis, a smile breaking out over his lips that he couldn't contain if his life depended on it.

"Really?" Louis asked without Liam having to say anything more. They had been _approved_. They had been approved to adopt a child.

"We have an appointment at the orphanage on Thursday at noon." Liam said, his smile growing with every word. Louis couldn't help himself any longer, he darted forward, connecting their lips together and holding Liam close to him. He couldn't believe it, they had been approved. They were going to be _fathers_. Louis didn't really think they would be rejected, unfortunately it was pretty easy to be approved, but there was always that chance and the familiar doubt in himself that had never really left that had him worrying. But he didn't have to worry. They had been approved!

"Oh my god," Louis mumbled against Liam's mouth, letting Liam push him back until his knees hit the mattress of their bed. The couple fell onto the bed, Liam a heavy but welcome weight on top of Louis, his lips warm against Louis' though it was difficult to kiss him properly with how much each of them were smiling. "Li, we're- We're going- to be- dads." Louis said between kisses. Liam nodded, pecking Louis' lips once again.

"I know." Liam agreed, smiling down at Louis. The two of them were grinning at each other, their excited breaths the only noise in the room as this knew information sunk in. Liam's grin softened with every second he regarded his husband, his hand coming up to move the hair that had fallen into his blue eyes, his fingers gently caressing his cheeks in the process. "I love you." Liam repeated. "I love you so much it hurts sometimes. I can't think clearly around you, I can't ever stop thinking about you and I can't imagine doing this with anyone else. I love you Louis William Payne." Louis smiled up at Liam, lifting his head to kiss him again. It wasn't anything he hadn't heard before, but he never tired of hearing it.

"And I love you, Liam James Payne." Louis spoke softly. "And I always will-"

"Oi, you know there is a party going on out here in your honour, right?" Came a deep voice from the door. Louis didn't have to look to see Harry's smug smirk.

"Yeah, couldn't you wait till after we leave to have your kinky birthday sex?" Came Niall's Irish accent. "Or is that part of the kink?" He asked belatedly. Liam chuckled, dropping his head onto Louis' chest, his lips gently kissing the skin there.

"We're not-" Liam began, his voice muffled by Louis' chest but Louis cut him off.

"Actually we were waiting for you to come join, whatya say?" Louis asked, looking over Liam to grin at the boys, seeing the Zayn was there as well.

"Sorry, not really my thing." Niall said, sending Louis a wink.

"Yeah... and wouldn't that be like... incest?" Zayn asked, looking between Harry and Louis. The two boys shrugged, Louis looking to Liam, asking him a silent question before telling them. Liam pushed himself off Louis, nodding in the process while pulling Louis to his feet.

"Guys... We kind of have something to tell you." Liam said, looking from Louis to the three boys standing in there doorway. The three boys all exchanged curious looks before looking to Louis and Liam expectantly. "We've applied to adopt..." Liam began, the three boys' eyes widening in shock.

"And we've been approved." Louis finished, a grin crossing his lips as Liam held him close to his side.

"What?" Zayn asked, dumbfounded.

"Congrats, guys." Niall said immediately, grinning at the duo.

"Seriously?" Harry asked. Louis nodded, a happy chuckle escaping his lips when Harry engulfed him in a hug, Niall and Zayn soon following. The five of them stood like that for a moment, eventually breaking apart with wide grins and murmured congratulations. It wasn't long before Louis was being told to throw on a shirt and come join the party, all the boys leaving him to do so.

When Louis joined the party everyone was mostly just mingling amongst each other, Gemma and Lottie talking about Lottie's new internship at a fashion studio, Harry entertaining Daisy and Phoebe by goofing about with them. Niall and Natalie had taken it upon themselves to play with Doris and Ernest with Daniel close by as he chatted with Robin. Zayn, Perrie, Liam and Félicité were huddled in a group, chatting and laughing while Anne and Johannah stood in the kitchen preparing something to eat, happily chatting to each other. Louis has never been happier in his life, it was kind of surreal. He sometimes found it hard to believe he went from having no family to having an overly big family, but found that he wouldn't have had it any other way and that he couldn't wait to add to it.

 

                                      *                  *                  *

 

The orphanage was not as Louis remembered. The outside still looked tall and intimidating, at least to Louis, but the inside had changed completely. Where there used to be dull beige walls, there were light blue walls, decorated in the children's paintings. There were also large photo displays along the main hall that lead down to the playroom and then the bedrooms. In the displays there were photos of many different children, all with bright smiling faces, some playing in what Louis recognized as the playroom, some playing outside on the structure Louis remembered well, and some sat down to eat the food the orphanage made. The inside no longer looked rundown, it looked like a nice place, a happy place, but Louis knew better. He knew all too well that the smiles on those kids' faces were only a glimpse of brief moments. He knew that not even half an hour later of these picture being taken, those kids probably didn't have a smile on their faces anymore.

It wasn't the orphanage's fault, Louis knew that. It wasn't the staff or the kids', it was this _place_. You could put all the paint in the world on the walls, you could have photos of kids going on field trips or meeting their idol, because there was always some celebrity looking for a bit of good press, but it wouldn't change that fact that this place was filled with little kids who didn't have a family. Kids who have been dropped off, their parents no longer wanting them. Kids who have lost their parents to a horrible accident. Kids who have lost everything they cared about and who were expected to put on a smile so some family would come and say 'I want that one' and take them 'home'. So the new paint and the more welcoming looking hallway didn't fool Louis, and he knew he was right in not falling for it when they walked in and saw a little boy sitting in a chair outside of a door with his feet hovering over the ground.

Louis and Liam had just walked in, the heavy door slamming shut behind them, not that the kid seemed to notice. It was a bit overwhelming to be back here, to see that kid sitting there, his head hung so his dark brown hair fell in front of his face. It reminded Louis too much of himself sitting in that chair. He knew all too well what the slumped shoulders and the tight grip on the armrest meant and it had Louis gripping onto Liam's hand even tighter. Liam seemed to sense something was wrong, though it could have just been the way he was squeezing his hand, and stopped walking to look at Louis, but Louis wasn't looking at him. He was looking at the boy who now seemed to notice he wasn't alone anymore and looked up towards them, tears running down his cheeks. They starred at each other for a second longer, a ghost of an ache cutting through his Louis' heart, and then the boy was hastily wiping at his face, his brown eyes squeezing shut as he visibly tried to calm himself. It was too much for Louis.

"Lou, are you okay?" Liam asked quietly.

"Li," Louis said, turning to face him. "We are not leaving here with a kid just _because_. Whoever we bring home is staying." Louis explained, not sure if he was doing a good job of explaining himself and why this was so important to him. Liam frowned at this, reaching up to thumb at Louis' cheek softly and nodded.

"Of course, Love." Liam replied, his eyes darting between the kid and Louis. It took him a second to understand but then Louis could tell that he _did_ understand and then he was being pulled into a quick kiss and a hug that Louis curled into, needing a moment to pull himself from the flashbacks currently running through his mind. Flashbacks of his walk of shame back to the playroom, of the other kids' faces when they've realized he was returned _again_ , of crying into his pillow every night because he felt so _alone_.

The sound of a door opening and footsteps sounding in the hall broke them apart, though not completely, and together they watched as these 'parents' said the parting words. The boy was facing them, the parents with their back towards them. Louis couldn't help but feel a bit proud of the boy and how you couldn't even tell he had been crying a minute ago. He knew it wasn't easy to pull off. The boy put on a good show, his face looking a bit bored as the people said their goodbyes. Louis was a bit surprised when the boy looked past them and right at Louis, a look in his eyes that really did remind Louis of himself. Maybe it was that reason Louis just knew what he was going to do, maybe it was because the boy really did remind him of himself that he sent him a comforting smile and an approving wink, the boy smirking right before he promptly stomped on the man's foot and took off down the hallway.

The couple was a bit startled but they didn't appear surprised, as if this wasn't the first time they've had their foot stomped on by the boy. Maybe it wasn't, but either way it had Louis smiling to himself because he wished he had thought of that. The employee that had followed them out of the office quickly apologized on behalf of the little boy, the couple basically brushing her off and shuffling down the hall to the door. Louis tried his best not to laugh at the couple, though he was positive he didn't succeed, as well as tried his best not to scream at them and tell them what horrible people they were. That's when the employee noticed them, making a surprised noise and making her way over to them.

"Oh, hello, you must be Liam and Louis." She said happily. She had short blonde hair that was curled into ringlets that bounced when she moved her head. He green eyes were hidden behind thick framed glasses, making her look like a principal with her white blouse and black pencil skirt. Beneath the red-lipped smile she wore was a nervousness, probably over them witnessing what just happened. If only she knew.

"Yes, I'm Liam and this is my husband Louis." Liam introduced, extending his hand which she shook.

"Hello, my name is Kendra, we spoke on the phone." She said to Liam but extended her hand to Louis which he took. "If you'll just follow me into the office, we can get started." She said, leading them down the hall and into the office. Louis wondered if anyone was taking care of the boy. In the office they took a seat in the two chairs in front of a desk and watched as Kendra made her way around to the chair behind the desk. "Okay, so are you familiar with the process of adopting?" Kendra asked, shuffling through a filing cabinet until she pulled out a folder with a couple papers inside. Liam looked to Louis with a raised eyebrow, seeming unsure of what to say here.

"Yes, I am familiar with how it's done." Louis said, his hand finding Liam's.

"Oh, have you adopted before? Because your file says this is your first time?" Kendra questioned, opening the file she had in her hands, probably theirs, and reading it over before looking at Liam and Louis.

"Well, actually... Louis was..." Liam began but trailed off, looking to Louis to continue.

"I was an orphan here actually, so I'm quite familiar with how it all works." Louis explained, his voice sounding tighter than he'd like, he didn't want to seem rude... It wasn't _Kendra's_ fault this place was a bad part of his childhood.

"Oh," Kendra sounded surprised, the papers in her hands now forgotten about. "Really? That's-" Kendra seemed like she wanted to say something but thought better of it and just smiled. "That's good then, I don't have to explain as much." She said, trying to work around the sudden awkwardness. Kendra briefly went over the process anyway and Liam and Louis both listened, not wanting to seem rude. Kendra seemed like a nice person, she was always smiling and kept the conversation going as she lead them down the hall to the playroom even though Louis remembered the way well. She asked if they knew if they wanted a boy or girl or if they knew what age range but Louis just told her they didn't care, that they just wanted someone they connected with, gender or age didn't matter. Kendra seemed happy about that, if not somewhat surprised. He figured a lot of people came in here saying they wanted a little blue eyed blonde-haired girl, as young as they could get and that was why a lot of kids ended up back here.

When they reached the playroom they could hear the children playing before they actually entered. When they did they saw a room full of small children, most of them around the age of four or five but there were a couple older ones sitting by themselves in the corners. Louis had another flashback of himself sitting in one of those corners and was thankful for Liam's arm around his waist, keeping him stable. It was a bit weird and a little overwhelming from this side of the process. As they walked further into the room, kid after kid looked up at them with hopeful expressions and Louis kind of wanted to cry. He knew that look, he knew the thoughts behind it and the tears that would follow later at night when they hadn't been take to a new home.

A little red-headed girl, probably about four years old, smiled up at Louis, her green eyes wide and sparkling as she looked up at him with hope shining in them. Another little girl beside her, this one blonde with brown eyes and about the same age, also smiled up at Louis with the same hopeful expression. Behind them was a little boy with blonde hair that was running around with a toy plane in his hands, fake motor noises leaving his mouth, but he stopped when he spotted Louis and Liam, his face changing into an excited, hopeful expression as well and Louis couldn't take it anymore. It was too much. He couldn't handle these children looking at him like that, knowing what they've been through and knowing that he couldn't take them all home with him.

"Do you need to step outside?" Came Liam's voice, soft and concerned, right next to Louis' ear. Louis was about to nod his head yes because he felt like he was on the edge but then his eyes locked on a little brown eyed boy sitting in the corner with his knees pulled up to his chest. It was the boy from the hall. He was a bit older than the rest, probably about seven or eight, with shaggy brown hair that nearly hid his brown eyes. Louis shook his head and jerked it towards the little boy then looked to Liam. He could tell Liam understood what he wanted when he looked over at the boy then back to Louis, his eyebrows raising. "Really? The foot-stomper?" Liam chuckled as Louis nodded his head. "Okay, but I'm keeping my feet away from him."

Louis snorted as they made their way over to the little boy, Louis trying to not pay too much attention to the disappointed looks of the other children. Louis saw when the boy realized they were coming to talk to him, it was in the confusion on his face and the way he looked around to see if there were any other kids around that they could be coming to instead. When he realized that they were in fact coming to _him_ , a look of nonchalance passed over his features, like he didn't care if they did or not but Louis knew better.

"Hello." Louis said, smiling at the little boy as he kneeled down in front of him. The boy looked a little wary, like he wasn't sure why they would be talking to him.

"Hi." The boy replied, his voice quiet and unsure. Louis remembered what it was like to have some stranger come up to you and start asking all these random questions so he tried to not be too much like that but it was difficult because he wanted to know more about this boy.

"My name is Louis, this is Liam, what's your name?" Louis asked. Louis felt a hand on his back and saw Liam kneeling down as well to join in on the conversation.

"Alexander." The boy replied. He still had his knees pulled to his chest, his arms wrapped around them and his head hung in a sort of shyness.

"It's nice to meet you, Alexander." Liam spoke in a friendly tone.

"That was quite the stomp in the hall." Louis said instead of going right into the questions. The boy looked up at him with this, more surprise and confusion crossing his face. Louis saw Liam give him a look out of the corner of his eye but ignored that because Liam didn't understand. Of course, there was no way he could and of course Louis knew that it was wrong of Alexander to do that but it was also wrong of that couple to do what they did.

"He deserved it." Alexander mumbled, going on the defensive immediately.

"He did." Louis agreed, feeling Liam's fingers digging into his back. Louis mentally rolled his eyes. "Of course, there are better ways to handle that kind of situation." Louis added for Liam's benefit.

"I know." Alexander replied. "But that way is funnier." Louis fought to keep a straight at his reply, seeing that Liam was struggling as well and Louis thought he knew why. Alexander's reply was what Louis would have probably said if the roles were reversed. Alexander sighed, letting his legs go and crossing them in front of him, his hands falling into his lap and he regarded Louis and Liam.

"I'm eight years old, my favourite colour is orange, I like to play football, I like batman, I don't like broccoli or spinach, I'm not very good at school and I'm clumsy." Alexander listed off, obviously having been through this process one or two times before. "I'm sure one of the younger kids would interest you more." He finished. It was kind of sad how much older he sounded, he pulled at Louis' heart strings and had him looking to Liam. He could see Liam noticed this as well with the frown on his face and somehow Louis just knew. He knew he wanted to take Alexander home with him. He wasn't sure why, maybe he really was just letting his emotions pick for him, taking pity on Alexander. Maybe it was the way he saw a lot of himself in the little boy and he didn't want Alexander to grow up like he had, always doubting himself, much like he was now. He didn't know, but he did know this was the child he wanted to take home with him. Liam seemed to realize this, his eyes searching Louis' and a small smile slowly spreading across his lips before turning to Alexander.

"Well, now that we know all about you, do you have any questions for us?" Liam asked, his smile staying as he made himself comfortable on the ground, pulling Louis down with him and wrapping his arm around his waist. Alexander looked a bit suspicious, like this was some kind of joke but eventually spoke.

"Are you mates?" He asked, his eyes darting between the two of them. Louis bit his lip, looking to Liam at the same time Liam looked to him.

"Louis is my husband." Liam said simply, looking back to Alexander.

"Oh. Okay." Was his reply before he started asking them more and more questions. The questions were simple and slow at first, like what their favourite colours were but eventually progressed into ones with more importance as Alexander seemed to grow more comfortable with them, like if they had other children. Louis figured he's realized that this was not a joke and they were seriously considering him and he could see those walls being lowered with every second that passed. When the questions started to dwindle again, Alexander seeming to run out and resorting to questioning them about their age and unimportant things, Louis looked to Liam, sending him a silent question that Liam picked up on right away. Liam smiled at Louis, nodding before pecking Louis on the lips and turning to Alexander who was watching them curiously.

"Alexander, we've had a wonderful time talking to you and we'd love it you'd want to come home with us. Would you like to be a part of our family?" Liam asked, a wave of fondness for the man he loved washing over Louis. Louis grinned, nuzzling a bit closer to Liam before turning to see Alexander looking at them like they confused him. Despite his confusion, Louis could see that underneath that was a shred or hope mixed with a sliver of excitement and he knew they had made the right decision.

"Okay." Was his reply, quiet and small but filled a lot of emotion. There was happiness and doubt, excitement and disbelief, and the same expression he knows meant that Alexander didn't think they were serious and that this wouldn't last. Louis knew they could change that and couldn't wait to do so.

 

~~END~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it! Please let me know what you thought of the story, it'd be much appreciated! and don't forget to leave kudos if you liked it! I am in the process of writing a sequel to this about Liam and Louis later on in life, it's posted on Wattpad (The Orphan 2 - x2XLyricsX2x) but is not completed yet, but it's almost done so as soon as it is, if this gets a good reaction on here, I'll post it here too! Let me know if you want it! :) Thanks for reading this to the end! Bye!

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a story a wrote a while ago, the full thing is up on Wattpad if you'd rather read it there, same title, same username :)  
> I hope you like it! Please let me know what you think of it, and if you have any advice for my writing I'd love to hear it! I want to improve in anyway! :)


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